Headlines
Grandad September 15th, 2009
Day after day, I browse the headlines from Ireland in the hope that I will find something to cheer me up.
Day after day, it’s the same old shite. Murders, NAMA, debt, Lisbon and politicians giving reasons why they shouldn’t explain why they are allowed to milk the system.
It is so fucking depressing.
I want to wake up one morning and tune in to see something really cheerful.
“Gardai are not treating the assassination of Bertie Ahern as suspicious”
“U2’s offshore accounts to be repatriated to solve financial crisis”
“Collapse of Lisbon support cited as reason for Fianna Fail mass suicides”
“Smoking ban rescinded as passive smoking is found to be harmless”
“John O’Donoghue’s application for bed in Simon Community refused”
“Grandad to be granted ministerial pension in recognition for services rendered to the state”
There are plenty more that would cheer me up, but I will leave that to you.
I live in hope.
- Rambles
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Maxi Cane in Timothy McVeigh style attack on Dail, all politicians dead.
“Crea wins lotto, stuffs lousy PC with dodgy slow connection into the paper shredder and goes to live on sunny island”
Is that too long?
Government building collapses due to unprecedented full attendance.
Thrifty – That will do very nicely.
SAm – No. Not too long. Not very cheering for me though? Not unless I change my name to Crea?
Chris P – You forgot the “No survivors” bit.
Bertie found dead after bass drinking, greyhound raping orgy
Thrift, that’d be bad editing, as it’s not obvious exactly who was doing the raping; the greyhound or Bertie.
…either would be good news, obviously.
“Ní Bheoláin cites ‘prefers older men’ as reason for marriage breakup”
“RTE seeks to correct years of massive underpayment in now-retired ex-employees”
“Pipe-smoke plus Guinness equals elixir of life! See more inside”
“Space aliens stole my millions. Bono reveals all”
“Irish and English people placed in wrong Islands at birth. Referee to stand in Celtic Sea and make ‘swap sides’ motions.”
“Mandelson changes name by deed poll to Voldemort.”
“Former Taoiseach confesses to using the odd Dail stamp for letters home to Mammy. Throws self on mercy of court.”
“Once on a lullaby discovered on far side of rainbow.”
“God denies own existence. Zaps self with lightning bolt.”
“Woman, 97, dies.”
“Insomniac threatens to stay awake during death”
Bit off track but I get bored of Ireland. And I’m from there.
Such headlines! Yours and theirs; all good for my soul.
STILL laughing at Voldemort…
Genius! Loves it!
Maybe not the time to be serious, but on a serious note (err!) does anyone think democracy in this country has some strange new definition? Damned if i can work it out!
Man who tried to be ‘serious’ not taken seriously.
O’Donoghue starts to name names in retaliation for being sacked.
Banks donate 54b youros to cash strapped gub-mint