Archive for September, 2009

A short answer to a longstanding problem

September 10th, 2009

A little piece of whimsy caught my eye yesterday.

Taller people are happiest, say researchers

The first thing that struck me is who the fuck commissioned this piece of vital research?

“Hey! Jack – We have a few hundred thousand left in the coffers.  Wanna do some research?”

“Research into what?”

“I dunno.  Whatever you like.  How about ‘do SUV drivers really have small penises’?”

“Done that, and the answer was yes.”

“Well, how about ‘are farts on aeroplanes odourless’?”

“Done that and the answer was no.”

“For fuck’s sake! Go and think up something, you short miserable little prick.”

And thus a mighty piece of research was born.

They never asked me anything.

I am well over the six foot mark, and I can assure you that life isn’t a bed of roses.  For a start, I could never travel in comfort on Concorde.  I can also painfully testify that there are quite a lot of doors around that don’t cater too well to the elongated individual.

It does have advantages, I must confess. 

I usually get a good view at a standing only concert.  If I do drop a ripper, it’s the shorties who get it first.  Heh!

What has me completely baffled though is their conclusion -

The report’s authors concluded the findings were almost wholly explained by the positive association between height and both income and education, both of which are closely linked to better lives.

What the fuck?

I’ll have them know I was tall [for my age] before I ever started school.  And I used to get 3d for my pocket money.  Hardly well off?

I suppose genetics had nothing whatsoever to do with it?

I still say No

September 10th, 2009

One of the great things about not being in Ireland at the moment is that I am not being subjected to endless bullshit about Lisbon.

Naturally, I haven’t seen a single ‘oui’ or ‘non’ poster since I arrived.

On one hand that is a nice thing as I can see the beautiful countryside unencumbered.  On the other hand, it is a reminder of how the French were denied the right to vote.  And why were they denied that right?  Because Brussels knew what the outcome would be – no.

I shall be back in time to cast my scrap of paper and have no hesitation in declaring what that piece of paper will say – A resounding no, or at least as resounding as I can make an X.

I have stated my reasons before, but there is no harm in repeating them.

First of all let’s look at what we are voting on.

Let there be no mistake about it, we are voting on a new European Constitution.

They call it a Treaty but that is solely to avoid referenda in other countries where they know it would be defeated.

“The substance of the constitution is preserved.That is a fact.”
- German Chancellor Angela Merkel, speech in the European Parliament, 27 June 2007

“The difference between the original Constitution and the present Lisbon Treaty is one of approach, rather than content … The proposals in the original constitutional treaty are practically unchanged. They have simply been dispersed through the old treaties in the form of amendments. Why this subtle change? Above all, to head off any threat of referenda by avoiding any form of constitutional vocabulary … But lift the lid and look in the toolbox: all the same innovative and effective tools are there, just as they were carefully crafted by the European Convention.”
- V.Giscard D’Estaing, former French President and Chairman of the Convention which drew up the EU Constitution, The Independent, London, 30 October 2007

Europe is being very damned careful not to mention that this is a constitution, and must be thrilled at the gullible Irish being given assurances on such trivia as neutrality and abortion.  Here, they have the perfect red herring to distract from the real content of the treaty.

“Public opinion will be led to adopt, without knowing it, the proposals that we dare not present to them directly … All the earlier proposals will be in the new text, but will be hidden and disguised in some way.”
- V.Giscard D’Estaing, Le Monde, 14 June 2007, and Sunday Telegraph, 1 July 2007

This treaty is not about bringing us into the heart of Europe, or whatever the current crap bit of propaganda is.  It is nothing less than a cynical manipulation to bring about the ultimate goal – A United States of Europe.

“The Constitution is the capstone of a European Federal State.”
- Guy Verhofstadt, Belgian Prime Minister, Financial Times, 21 June 2004

“Are we all clear that we want to build something that can aspire to be a world power? In other words, not just a trading bloc but a political entity. Do we realise that our nation states, taken individually, would find it far more difficult to assert their existence and their identity on the world stage.”
- Commission President Romano Prodi, European Parliament, 13 February 2001

Still have doubts?

“Sometimes I like to compare the EU as a creation to the organisation of empires. We have the dimension of Empire but there is a great difference. Empires were usually made with force with a centre imposing diktat, a will on the others. Now what we have is the first non-imperial empire.”
- Commission President J-M Barroso, The Brussels Journal, 11 July 2007

Vote Yes – Ireland gets swallowed up into an amalgam of states where our voice will be of little consequence.

Vote No – The treaty cannot be ratified and they are back to working out some other devious scheme.  We will have struck a major blow for democracy, and we will have the undying thanks of the disenfranchised in the rest of Europe.

Public announcement from WANK

September 9th, 2009

As you know, I have been an admirer of ASH for some time now.

I have always admired their devil may care attitude to science and the philosophy of not letting the facts stand in the way of a good story.  This is the way research should be done.  Who cares if the facts are distorted so long as it looks good.  If you can throw in a few irrelevant but snazzy sounding credentials, then so much the better.

My one criticism of ASH though is that they confine themselves to smoking.  Why?  There are far worse killers out there.

To this end I am founding a new organisation – Warnings About Natural Killers.

We in WANK have already done some extensive research and have come up with some startling results.

In conjunction with Cornell University, we have analysed the water that you drink every day.

Do you know that you are killing yourself with this stuff?

Forty fucking carcenogens?  Fucking radioactive materials?  Do you realise you are in imminent danger of being a nuclear explosion?

Let’s have a look at some of these vile chemicals which you are taking into your unwitting body, and will cause you to die of a virulent cancer immediately:

acrylamide
adipate
alachlor
atrazine
benzene
benzo(a)pyrene (PAH)
carbon tetrachloride
chlordane
di(2-ethylhexyl)adipate
dibromochloropropane (DBCP)
1,2-dichloroethane
1,1-dichloroethylene
dichloromethane
1,2-dichloropropane
dioxin (2,3,7,8-TCDD)
di(2-ethylhexyl)phthalate (PAE)
epichlorohydrin
ethylene dibromide (EDB)
heptachlor
heptachlor epoxide
hexachlorobenzene
lindane
pentachlorophenol (PCP)
polychlorinated biphenyls (PCBs)
simazine
styrene
tetrachloroethylene
total trihalomethanes (TTHMs: bromodichloromethane, bromoform, chlorodibromomethane, chloroform)
toxaphene
1,1,2-trichloroethane
trichloroethylene (TCE)
vinyl chloride
arsenic
asbestos
beryllium
cadmium
chromium
lead
nickel
Radium 226, 228
Radon

On behalf of all you poor innocent sods who are drinking this lethal cocktail, we are campaigning to have all water banned from the workplace, home and every other fucking place.

Under no circumstances should you have any contact whatsoever with water.  If you see some, please stay at least one hundred feet away from it and warn everyone else to do the same.  Warn the authorities so that they can collect it in lead lined containers and ship it to safety.

We urge everyone, for the sake of their health to take up smoking cigarettes.

At least they only contain microscopic traces of eight carcenogens.

atom_bomb 
Johnny drinks a glass of water

More lies from ASH

September 8th, 2009

I needed a laugh, so I have been having a little poke around ASH Ireland’s website.  You know them?  The Storm Troopers of the Anti Smoking Nazi League.  They poke at my life on a daily basis, so fair is fair.

One page in particular took my fancy.

They call it “Resources” on their menu, and I thought it would be links to other sites and stuff I can download and things like that.  It wasn’t.

When I got into the page, it was titled “Key Facts”.

Oh boy!  Facts?  There are one or two lines in there that are certainly ‘facts’ such as that the smoking ban came into force in March 2004, but the rest?

One line caught my eye – “It costs the State €1 billion per year to provide health services for smokers”.

This is a downright lie.

Simple calculation will show that the correct figure is nearer €3.6 billion.

How do I work that out?  Simple.  €15 billion spent on health?  24% of the population smoke?  24% of 15 is 3.6.

Of course the cororally of that is another simple fact, namely the the Irish government spends €11.4 billion on healthcare for people who don’t smoke.

This is a shocking figure.  Eleven billion, four hundred million Euro spent on non-smokers?

There is one simple solution to this – Obviously the smokers cost less so it should be incumbent on our government to encourage smoking at all costs.

Stick that in your pipe, Harney.

Oh, and while I think of it – Ash?  Your website is a heap of shit.  And it is not standards compliant even though you proudly proclaim that it is.

More fucking lies.

I have seen the signs

September 7th, 2009

Has anyone ever thought about the amount of shite at the side of Irish roads?

I’m not talking about the old mattresses, supermarket trolleys and other stuff that has just been dumped.

No.  I’m talking about the number of signs.

It never really struck me until I saw the alternative – a road system where signs are only erected if they are essential.

Take a drive on any road in Ireland and you will be accosted by signs warning you to put your seat belt on.  You will see signs proudly proclaiming the number of deaths in the last couple of years, as if it were some kind of all-Ireland fucking competition.  You will see signs exhorting you to tune into some local radio for “traffic information”.  There are signs advertising Bed and Breakfasts, “Tourist Attractions”, festivals, local pubs and every fucking thing under the sun.

If there is some kind of match on, of course you will find a clatter of irritating signs saying that “so and so’s bar wishes The Lads all the best in Dublin” or some such shite.

And when you are done with all the above, you may even be lucky and find one that tells you that “Jesus loves you”.

All these signs do is distract.  When you are supposed to be concentrating on the road ahead, you are reading some fucking useless sign telling you that Ballygobackwards is holding its village fete two months ago.

My award winner is one I saw some months ago on the M50, which [for non-Irish readers] is a lethal “motorway” [more often a car park] that circles Dublin.  It was a huge monstrosity of a sign with flashing lights that spelled out different messages if you watched it long enough.  It’s main message was to watch out for the car in front!  Of course, most motorists would be concentrating too much on the sign to see its next message to bother about the car in front.

In France there is a remarkable lack of signage.

On the main routes, you will find massive gantries straddling the road, telling you which lane to be in for various destinations.  At junctions, you will find large signs telling you where the side roads go. 

They tend not to bother much with warning signs, as they assume a reasonable level of intelligence in the driver.  So if you see a sign warning of a bad bend, you had better fucking believe it – it will be a bad bend.

Speed limits are well signposted, to such an extent that they even give advanced warning of a limit.

I wonder if anyone has ever actually done a survey into the number of accidents that are caused by Irish signage?

Maybe they should introduce a new one?

DANGER 

Reading signs is a hazard

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