2009 December | Head Rambles

Archive for December, 2009

I swore I would not say this

Grandad December 31st, 2009

I wasn’t going to write again today, but I’m in a good mood.

You see, I had to go into the library in Skobieville this afternoon to return the books we borrowed to bring to France. They had been sending threatening letters again. Anyway, the bloke behind the counter was in a good mood and he let me off the fines, which was fair enough, but then he wished me a Happy New Year, so I kicked his teeth in.

That’s why I’m in a good mood.

I swore I wouldn’t do this, as it is completely against my religion, but everyone else is doing it, so fuckit – here goes.

Thanks for visiting during the year, and even greater thanks if you commented. It’s what keeps me going [along with the tobacco, Guinness and Prozac of course]. I really appreciate all the comments, no matter how snarky, misspelled or downright rude they are.

To those of you who are regular readers, but have never left a comment – be brave. I promise I’ll try not to be too sarcastic in response if you break the habit of a lifetime. After all, it’s rude to peer through the curtains without knocking on the door first?

So here goes -

[*Closes eyes. Takes a deep breath and hopes no one is listening*]

Happy New Year everyone!

[*opens eyes, and swallows large whiskey to take the taste away*]

There.

I said it.

Enjoy yourselves.

See you on the other side.

2010 in retrospect

Grandad December 31st, 2009

JANUARY

AIB asks for, and receives €10bn funding.

Government announces that the recession is over.

John O’Donoghue is appointed Minister for Finance.

FEBRUARY

BOI asks for, and receives €15bn funding.

Government announces that the recession is over.

MARCH

BOI asks for, and receives €28bn funding.

Emergency budget: Standard rate of tax increased to 85%.

APRIL

Irish Nationwide asks for, and receives €18bn funding.

General Election called after vote of no confidence.

Fianna Fail promise tax decrease to 75%. Ireland suffers collective selective amnesia. Fianna Fail voted back in on landslide. Green Party achieve first ever negative poll.

Government announces that the recession is over.

MAY

Renewed fears of Global Warming as Ireland suffers two consecutive days of sunshine.

JUNE

Fears of Global Warming allayed as Dublin Airport closed for two weeks by snow.

Irish football team travel to South Africa but aren’t allowed into stadium.

Government announces that the recession is over.

JULY

Celebrations announced in Rosslare as two French tourists arrive on ferry. [Celebrations cancelled as tourists announce they thought they were on Southampton ferry.]

Government announces that the recession is over.

AUGUST

Irelands last hospital closes due to massive MRSA outbreak. New replacement ‘Centre of Excellence’ hospital announced. To be completed in 2085.

SEPTEMBER

Shannon region suffers worst flood since records began, twice in one month.

Irish Ferries opens two new services, from Naas to Athlone and from Naas to Cork.

Mary Harney’s expenses claims top one million.

Government announces that the recession is not yet over, and the worst is yet to come.

OCTOBER

All Ireland report on clerical abuse published.

28 bishops don’t resign as they have reflected, and have a clear conscience.

Pro Cathedral, Cobh Cathedral, Waterford Cathedral, Kilkenny Cathedral, Armagh Cathedral all destroyed by accidental fires.

NAMA goes bust with bad debts of €258 billion.

NOVEMBER

Tiger Wood’s potential infidelities reaches the two hundred mark.

Cork disappears under 150 feet of floodwater.

Government promises to build flood defences for Cork in 2130.

DECEMBER

All Irish banks taken over by foreign banks. Assets are stripped, and Irish banks are closed.

Christmas cancelled for second year running.

Country goes into receivership.

Germany buys Ireland at auction for €38.56.

Ireland converted into nuclear waste dump.

They even deny me that

Grandad December 30th, 2009

It’s freezing cold.

It has been pissing down like an incontinent elephant all day.

It is blowing a gale, and it is grey and dismal.

It is a fucking horrible day.

So why, today of all days, do they decide to have two fucking power cuts? Not one, but two?

I have few pleasures that I require in life, and two of them are a drop of warmth and a mug of tea. And the fuckers even try to deny me them.

I can do without my radio or television. The Interweb is just a distraction. I can even doze in the dark, but I must have my warmth and my tea.

Wankers.

New Years Resolutions

Grandad December 30th, 2009

Can we just agree on one thing at least?

Can we all agree to drop all this shite about New Year’s Resolutions?

You know it’s all crap, and I know it’s all crap so let’s nip it in the bud right now.

Every year it’s the same old verbal diarrhea. You are going to lose weight, or you are going to give up smoking or you are going to be nicer to people. Bollox. We both know that after a couple of weeks you are going to slip back into your old ways and resolutions will thankfully be forgotten.

But in the meantime you have become an insufferable bore. You can’t help but be smug about your new abstinence or your new found personality, and everyone grows to hate you. When you slip back into your old ways, not only have you lost all your friends, but now you are full of self loathing for failing in your quest. So all you have achieved is the loss of your friends and your self esteem, and have gained nothing. Is that a good bargain?

Anyway, what is all this nonsense about self improvement? What is there to improve? So you smoke a few packets of fags a day? Good on ya. Carry on enjoying your puffing. And unless you are in the Mary Harney league, forget about diets. What’s wrong with a little extra bulk? It will keep you warm on the cold days.

I made one resolution back in ‘65, and I have managed to unwaveringly keep it. I resolved never to make another resolution. I am all the better for it, even if I am still smug about the fact.

And can someone tell me why we should only wish happiness on prescribed days? That always baffles me. Tomorrow, and the day after are no different from any other days of the year, apart from being cold, wet, dark, windy and miserable. Their only significance is an arbitrary number. There is nothing to distinguish them apart from a calendar on the wall?

But we all have to go all gooey and squishy and make resolutions and wish each other a Happy New Year, and make lists of the best and worst of 2009. The first person to wish me a Happy New Year is going to get my size 11 up their hole.

Mind you, New Years Eve does have one good thing going for it.

It’s yet another excuse to get totally rat-arsed.

As if I needed an excuse?