Archive for December 31st, 2009

I swore I would not say this

December 31st, 2009

I wasn’t going to write again today, but I’m in a good mood.

You see, I had to go into the library in Skobieville this afternoon to return the books we borrowed to bring to France.  They had been sending threatening letters again.  Anyway, the bloke behind the counter was in a good mood and he let me off the fines, which was fair enough, but then he wished me a Happy New Year, so I kicked his teeth in.

That’s why I’m in a good mood.

I swore I wouldn’t do this, as it is completely against my religion, but everyone else is doing it, so fuckit – here goes.

Thanks for visiting during the year, and even greater thanks if you commented.  It’s what keeps me going [along with the tobacco, Guinness and Prozac of course].  I really appreciate all the comments, no matter how snarky, misspelled or downright rude they are.

To those of you who are regular readers, but have never left a comment – be brave.  I promise I’ll try not to be too sarcastic in response if you break the habit of a lifetime.  After all, it’s rude to peer through the curtains without knocking on the door first?

So here goes -

[*Closes eyes. Takes a deep breath and hopes no one is listening*]

Happy New Year everyone!

[*opens eyes, and swallows large whiskey to take the taste away*]

There.

I said it.

Enjoy yourselves.

See you on the other side.

2010 in retrospect

December 31st, 2009

 

JANUARY

AIB asks for, and receives €10bn funding.

Government announces that the recession is over.

John O’Donoghue is appointed Minister for Finance.

 

FEBRUARY

BOI asks for, and receives €15bn funding.

Government announces that the recession is over.

 

MARCH

BOI asks for, and receives €28bn funding.

Emergency budget: Standard rate of tax increased to 85%.

 

APRIL

Irish Nationwide asks for, and receives €18bn funding.

General Election called after vote of no confidence.

Fianna Fail promise tax decrease to 75%.  Ireland suffers collective selective amnesia.  Fianna Fail voted back in on landslide.  Green Party achieve first ever negative poll.

Government announces that the recession is over.

 

MAY

Renewed fears of Global Warming as Ireland suffers two consecutive days of sunshine.

 

JUNE

Fears of Global Warming allayed as Dublin Airport closed for two weeks by snow.

Irish football team travel to South Africa but aren’t allowed into stadium.

Government announces that the recession is over.

 

JULY

Celebrations announced in Rosslare as two French tourists arrive on ferry. [Celebrations cancelled as tourists announce they thought they were on Southampton ferry.]

Government announces that the recession is over.

 

AUGUST

Irelands last hospital closes due to massive MRSA outbreak.  New replacement ‘Centre of Excellence’ hospital announced.  To be completed in 2085.

 

SEPTEMBER

Shannon region suffers worst flood since records began, twice in one month.

Irish Ferries opens two new services, from Naas to Athlone and from Naas to Cork.

Mary Harney’s expenses claims top one million.

Government announces that the recession is not yet over, and the worst is yet to come.

 

OCTOBER

All Ireland report on clerical abuse published.

28 bishops don’t resign as they have reflected, and have a clear conscience.

Pro Cathedral, Cobh Cathedral, Waterford Cathedral, Kilkenny Cathedral, Armagh Cathedral all destroyed by accidental fires.

NAMA goes bust with bad debts of €258 billion.

 

NOVEMBER

Tiger Wood’s potential infidelities reaches the two hundred mark.

Cork disappears under 150 feet of floodwater.

Government promises to build flood defences for Cork in 2130.

 

DECEMBER

All Irish banks taken over by foreign banks.  Assets are stripped, and Irish banks are closed.

Christmas cancelled for second year running.

Country goes into receivership.

Germany buys Ireland at auction for €38.56.

Ireland converted into nuclear waste dump.