Archive for December, 2009

Pandemic

December 23rd, 2009

Whatever happened to the Swine Flu Pandemic?

A few short months ago, all we heard on the news was the latest pronouncements on the Pandemic.  God, how they loved that word.  If they couldn’t fit Pandemic into a sentence, then they weren’t interested.  People were even naming their babies Pandemic.

Night after night, we were gravely told the latest alert status, and experts would be brought on with the latest estimates of the number of billions that were to die.  Countries vied with each other for the highest fatalities, and if there were a fatality, we weren’t told where it was, in case there was mass panic and an exodus from the affected area.

No one talks about it now.

Other topics have taken over the headlines, and the Swine Flu Pandemic is but a forgotten memory.  If you develop sniffles now, people don’t want to know.  That’s yesterday’s news, they say.  Swine Flu is soooo not now.

Swine Flu must empathise with that kid from the X-Factor.  All that build-up, and then nothing.  A massive anti-climax.  No companies closing down because they have no staff left.  No bodies lining the streets waiting to be collected.

I think Swine Flu may have a legal case for breach of contract.  It should be able to sue for false advertising.

I feel sorry for it.

All that build up and then…..

Nothing. 

Merry Xmas My Arse

December 22nd, 2009

I swear to God, if I hear that fucking Slade song “Merry Xmas Everyone” one more time, I’m going to find that Noddy Holder, stick my twelve bore up his arse and fire both barrels.

Noddy

Gutted

December 22nd, 2009

It’s not often you get good news in the papers these days.

I was browsing this morning, and of course one of the main stories was the Guinness fire.  Here was a national tragedy that was narrowly averted.  Forget your recession, your kiddy-fiddling priests and your NAMA – if the brewery had gone up it would have been the end of the country.

Guinness_fire
Firemen adding a white head onto the black stuff.

Then I spotted another item that cheered me immensely.

Simon Cowell is gutted at losing the Number One spot in the charts.

I don’t give a flying fuck who’s in the charts, to be honest, but anything that makes that wanker miserable is going to cheer me up.  I am sick to the teeth of him and his fucking X-Factor.

I have never watched the programme.  I would far rather have my testicles slowly removed with rusty shears than watch that unadulterated crap.  It is the epitome of all that is wrong with modern society.  All it is is a bunch of talentless oiks all belittling themselves in order to become famous for a day.  Pathetic.  Even worse are the people who watch it.  They are whipped up into a frenzy of passion for their tosser of their choice and then are gullible enough to spend a fortune on the voting.

I have had the misfortune to see extracts from the programme, and I have yet to see any performer [apart from Yer One with the eyebrows] who is any different from half a million other talentless wannabes.  And of course there was Jedward!  Holy fuck!!  I have more talent in my little toes than that pair, and my little toes are utterly talentless.

I would love to think that Cowell will quit the show in despair.  It’s unlikely though, considering the fortune that is being made out of the saps that watch it.

In the meantime, I shall celebrate Cowell’s misery with a few pints tonight.

Pullit had the sense to buy in a large number of kegs in the Guinness’ pre-fire sale.

Season’s Greetings

December 21st, 2009

Christmas?  Pish!  A newfangled institution.

New Year?  Piffle!  Nearly as fresh out of the box as Christmas.

Now if you want a good honest decent festival, pick one that predates those two pretenders by thousands of years.

Happy Solstice everyone.

Film of the Year 2009

December 21st, 2009

One thing that really pisses me off at this time of year is the obsession everyone seems to have for the best movie/song/whateverthefuck of 2009.

Who gives a flying fuck?

I have my opinion on things, and it is very unlikely to coincide with your opinion.  If I rate my top film of 2009, are you going to read my review and say to yourself “Holy Fuck!!  I thought that film was shite, but because Grandad says it’s good, I must go out and rent it again”? No.  I thought not.

Of course the television is at the same shite.

If I see one more “sports personality of 2009” I will scream.  Can you not get it through your thick skulls that by definition, sports people have zero personality to start with?  I can always tell when a sporty person is being interviewed simply by listening to their monotonous drone and their use of single syllable words.  I swear Mary Mad Cow Harney must have missed her true calling, because she has that precise monotonous droning voice that would mark her down as a weight lifter or Sumo wrestler.

The car industry has to go one better.  They have to announce their “car of the year 2010”.  How the hell can they do that?  How do they know that come January, I’m not going to produce an incredible car that does 500 miles to the gallon with a top speed of Mach 3 and does 0 to 60 in 5 nanoseconds?  They don’t.  So they can fuck off with their “car of the year”.

There seems to be a sort of collective brain diarrhoea in the “blogging scene” at this time of year.  I have noticed in the past that there seems to be a Winter Doldrums that starts now and will last for about two weeks.  People will only write utter crap on their sites which no one will read.  Few will write anything incisive, and fewer still will read their splodge.  Of course I will continue to attempt to keep the standard up with my incredibly insightful, highly intellectual scribings, but it’s a losing battle.

I know that no one is going to visit this site for the next two weeks.  I don’t care.  It’s your loss.

And before I go, I would like to nominate my film of 2009.

It was a film I took of the young dollybird swimming stark naked in her pool, next door to us in France.

And no. You can’t see it.

It’s all mine.

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