Archive for December, 2009

I poke around the Interweb and I find kids who are millionaires because of some crap idea they had, at an age when I was playing around with crystal radios and wondering when they were going to invent the silicon chip.

Then I poke a bit further and find all those warm cuddly sites telling us old folk not to worry too much about the Interweb, and that our grandchildren can easily teach us how to use email.

It’s all wrong. It goes against nature.

The traditional way of doing things is for me to grow in age and wisdom, and then start stunning the younger generations with my vast reserves of knowledge. Instead of that, they go and invent something in the latter stages of my life that leaves my vast reserves of knowledge just about fit for a museum.

It’s not fair.

Why the fuck couldn’t they have invented the computer and the Interweb when I was still young enough to grow up with it? I mean to say, my encyclopaedic knowledge of playing Solitaire is hardly going to impress some child just out of nappies who can trounce me at World of Doom or whatever the fuck it is they play these days?

It is all wrong.

Is there anyone out there who would like to hear all about the thermionic triode valve?

Anyone?

Triode Valve

Silence of the wolves

Grandad December 3rd, 2009

For a while there, I was very confused.

First there was the Murphy Report that exposed the inherent evil within the Dublin Diocese. Children were systematically raped and abused, yet the Vatican has absolutely nothing to say about it. The bishops are ‘reflecting’ but doing fuck all else. The lesson I learned from this is that it is apparently quite all right to molest children, rape them and then toss them aside before moving on to fresh pastures.

Then there was the case of the priest who defaulted on his taxes. Unlike the bishops, he gets a belt of the crosier because he called the tax people a shower of bastards and said they were responsible for people committing suicide. This is where I began to get really confused. It is apparently all right for the bishops to cause people to commit suicide, but you can’t say that about the tax people? The Church got very upset about it anyway. I didn’t learn any lesson from this, as it made no sense.

Then there is the case of the cardinal who said the homosexuals and transsexuals can’t go to heaven. Now I would have thought this was just part of the theological rubbish that is constantly pouring out of the Catholic Church, along with all that crap about contraception and celibacy and the like. Not so however. This apparently is far far worse than defaulting on your taxes or raping children. Why? Because the Vatican got involved. They got very hot under the dog-collar, right up to the very top of the organisation and retracted the cardinals statement.

So here are the facts.

Rape children to your heart’s content. Result? Catholic church not interested. Carry on. It’s quite OK.

Become a major tax defaulter and call the tax people names. Result? The bishops are going to get very annoyed with you but the Vatican couldn’t give a shite. Tax people are obviously more important than children though.

Say that homosexuals are sinners. Result? All hell breaks loose and the Vatican screams from the rooftops. This is obviously a heinous crime.

I found it difficult to reconcile these three reactions. They seems to be utterly disproportionate.

But then it struck me.

I understand now.

According to the Catholic Church, you can do whatever the fuck you like. You can systematically rape young boys and girls. You can evade taxes to your heart’s content. But what you must never ever do is say anything.

It’s the Eleventh Commandment.

Keep your fucking mouth shut.

Celebrity Gossip

Grandad December 2nd, 2009

One aspect of modern society that has me utterly baffled is the cult of the ‘celebrity’.

What the fuck is that all about?

When I was a child, my ambition in life was to be a train driver [that was in the days of steam locomotives, and the driver was The Man]. Nowadays, ask any schoolchild what they want to be when they grow up and they’ll tell you they want to be a fucking ‘celebrity’.

I looked up ‘celebrity’ in the dictionary, and it basically defined it as ‘someone famous’. But that can’t be right? You wouldn’t exactly call Brian Cowen a ‘celebrity’ but he is famous [or infamous] enough? Then you have someone like Paris Hilton, who basically seems to be famous solely for being famous [and wearing no knickers] who is classed as a ‘celebrity’. Why?

The way it seems to work is that someone does something and becomes famous. Because they are famous then everyone, for some strange reason wants to read about them. So they are in the papers more, and they become even more famous. It a vicious circle. Why people want to know about famous people is beyond me, but celebrity gossip seems to be all important to the brain dead youth of today. And if I ever hear the expression ‘celeb goss’, be warned – I have an immediate reaction to hang the offender from the nearest lamppost by their intestines.

What brought on this little brain fart?

Tiger Woods is a bloke who apparently is famous for hitting a ball around a field with a stick. Big fucking deal. I use golf clubs to clear dog shite off my lawn, and I can guarantee I have hit more cars than Tiger Woods, but I shun the limelight, so I’m not a ‘celebrity’. Thank God.

Anyway, Mister Woods crashed his car into a tree. So? Was he pissed as a coot at the time? He says not. Was he on some chemically induced trip at the time? He says not. Was he robbing a bank at the time? Not unless his house is a bank.

So why all the fuss?

I hit trees all the time. Especially when I’m driving home from the pub. It’s no big deal [as they say Over There].

So why all the fuss over a golfer driving his car into a tree? It has been in the papers, and on the television news, for fuck’s sake. Even that bastion of respectability, the BBC has run the story on their news.

Will someone please explain to me why it is so vital that we know why a chap drives a car into a tree?

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