Head Rambles

Grandad January 1st, 2010

Herself has just read my little musing from earlier today.

“You’re very rude” says she.

“Me?  Never!” says I.

“You’ll get into trouble calling the Pope a fucker” says she.

“I didn’t say it,” says I.  “Blame God”.

“Anyway, you won’t get many comments.  Everyone is off getting pissed.” says she with impeccable logic.

She has a point.

I’m snowed in today.  No chance of going anywhere.  The roads are all closed.  There is only one thing to do.

Our Puppychild has the right idea.

She got pissed as a newt at Christmas.  Fucking champagne, if you don’t mind!

When I was her age, I had to make do with whiskey.

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Grandad January 1st, 2010

Me: Hiya God! Happy New Year.

God: Hiya Grandad.  What new year?

Me: On Earth.. 2010 and all that?

God: Listen, Sunshine. I look after millions of planets and at least one is celebrating a new year every few seconds.  You don’t expect me to keep track of every single one, do you?

Me: But you are infinitely powerful?

God: There are limits to infinity, you know.

Me: I didn’t know, actually.  I just wanted to ask you about this Global Warming thing we have going on back at Earth.

God: What global warming?

Me: They claim that mankind is warming the planet with all the gasses we have produced.

God: Hahahahahahahahaha!

Me: Please don’t laugh.  The sound causes earthquakes and tsunamis back home.

God: Well..  You have to laugh, don’t you?  As if you lot could influence something as big as a planet!  Only I can do that.

Me: The Pope says otherwise?

God: That little fucker?  What does he know?

Me: He claims he is your ambassador, and that he has a direct line to you. 

God: How many times do I have to tell you?  He is the head of a religion which has nothing whatsoever to do with me or any faith.  He’s only in it for the power.  I sent Gabriel down there the other day to jump him and make him pregnant.  He’ll have one hell of a job explaining that one away!

Me: True.  Incidentally, our new blasphemy laws came into effect this morning.  You must be pleased about that?

God:  Why? 

Me: No one can insult you any more.

God: If I were worried about such piffling things as insults, I would have wiped out the Universe ages ago.  I get it all the time.  Do your lot think I’m that insecure?

Me: Well, I’ll probably be sued for repeating this little chat?

God: Don’t worry about it.  If you’re short of cash, put a few grand on Rampling Rover in the 3.15.  He’s going to win at 100:1.

Me: Great!  Thanks.  What racecourse?

God: The Oval, on planet Hyasssaddf.

Me: *sigh*

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