How to earn Brownie Points
Grandad January 3rd, 2010
Herself ran out of fags a couple of days ago.
She had been nagging me unmercifully to get her some more, but I didn’t fancy going out in the cold and the snow, so I told her the roads were too dangerous. She suggested that I walk, but I told her I wasn’t going to slip and break my neck for anyone.
Herself is a terrible sight to behold when she runs out of smokes. If possible, she gets even more cantankerous and nothing is safe around the house. The guinea pigs built mounds of hay and hid for the duration, and Sandy only came out when she was sure the coast was clear. After a bout of abstinence I usually have to restock on crockery too.
She started by threatening me, but the baseball bat put a stop to that. Then the pleading started, with promises to behave herself and do all sorts of favours if I would only nip down and buy a packet of fags.
Yesterday, she really got on my nerves, and spent the morning pleading with me, promising never to nag again and that she would never ever mention my indiscretions again. It was pathetic. As it happened, I had run out of pipe tobacco, so I told her I would go down to the village… just for her.
The village was nice and quiet when I went down. Our lane was pretty slippery but the road was grand. I stocked up on tobacco and bought a couple of packs of fags, and contemplated going for a coffee. But there again, sitting outside in the freezing cold supping coffee isn’t really my cup of tea, so I decided to go back home.
The only person I met [apart from the girl in the shop] was Doc. He yelled his usual “How are ya, Grandad?” and as usual, I ignored him. I knew the mean old scroat would only bill me for a consultation if I replied.
I gave Herself her fags when I got back and she lit up with a trembling hand. Soon the house rang with the sound of her cough, and the animals knew the coast was clear. She has a lovely sweet cough – a bit like someone trying to start a faulty chain-saw.
“Where the roads bad?” says she, between hacks.
“Terrible,” says I. “Just take a look at the lane. I had to abandon the car half way, and walk.”
“There was no need to go to that trouble,” says she, shooting a perfectly aimed glob of phlegm into the fire.
“Ah, there was,” says I. “I knew you needed a smoke and I hate to see you suffer.”
“You’re a pet,” says she, as she lit up the next one.
I know.
- Around the village
- Comments(16)
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Grandad you are bound for martyrdom.
Jennikybooky´s last brainfart .. Week Twelve
I sincerely hope it doesn’t go that far! Can I not just be made a saint?
aww that was a nice thing to do. my mum gets like that when she does not have her ciggies as well. Mind you shes off them now. Well your certainly a saint for going out in the freezing cold to that for herself. I had to do the same thing yesterday i had to collect a prescription and to say the least i wont be going out again. Now heres a question for you is guinness a good pain relief? I hope it is.
Vicky Rogers´s last brainfart .. calm down stressarella
Well alright but you’ll have to pass the urine test first.
Jennikybooky´s last brainfart .. Week Twelve
Vicky – She just doesn’t appreciate me. I have learned to live with the sad fact.
Guinness? Who cares? Drink it anyway and you’ll soon forget the pain.
Jinnikybooky – A urine test?? What for? Are you taking the piss?
Ah, no New Year’s resolution to stop subsidizing our government then?
Aw, c’mon now, Ian! The only pleasures I have left in live are my pipe, my Guinness, my hunting, my wimmin, the odd toke and playing with the dog. You wouldn’t deny me my simple pleasure now, would you?
You are on the road to sainthood. Himself will do the same for me when the vodka gets below 3 gallons, and the snuff silo is low.
Brighid´s last brainfart .. FUR FLYING
Brighid – Apparently I have to have a urine test first. Himself sounds like a real treasure too? I think we would get on well…..
I would quit smoking, but it’s the only thing I’m good at.
Someday Herself will learn to read and then you will need the Doc for more than a consultation. (How is the vet in the village?) Phlegm in the Fire played at our wedding.
TT – You are quite good at arguing too?
Sixty – Of course she can read! I just have this site blocked off her laptop [I'm not stupid!]. Doc doubles up as the vet. He says we are all basically the same under the skin, though I wish he’d stop trying to treat me for Hard Pad.
Only when I am right. Plus you need one commenter to hold you to task and keep you in check.
TT – You’re always right [except when you're wrong, which is most of the time]. It is nice to know though that there is one person on earth who disagrees with me.
I’m shipping Himself over to you. I’ve given him a map and pinned a large sign on him that says “American Tourist”. Thanks for your help in this matter.
Brighid´s last brainfart .. FUR FLYING
You ARE a pet! *pet pet*
rhodester´s last brainfart .. OC Cabbie: Fear And Loathing In Huntington Beach