Passing my NCT
Grandad February 16th, 2010
I just received a phone call from Doc.
You may remember, if you had bothered to read in the first place, that I had been to see him last week, and he siphoned off a few pints of blood for tests.
Anyhow, he phoned me to tell me that the results are in. This is exciting stuff. It’s like waiting for election or exam results.
He sounded rather despondent on the phone. Normally, whenever he is giving me bad news he is very cheerful so I gathered by his mournful tone that the news was good.
Blood sugars: Normal
Blood: Yes.
Prostate: Still have one.
Cholesterol: Within limits.
Alcohol level: 386 milligrams per 100 millilitres.
There were loads of other tests, and for each one is voice became more dismal as everything was within limits.
“So” says I, “it sounds like I am going to live for another day?”
“I’m afraid so” he muttered. There was a pause. “Do you still have that cough?” he asked hopefully.
“Nope. All clear, and back to full smoking.”
“Damn! You don’t feel like you are coming down with the Swine Flu?”
“No. Fit as a fiddle.”
“Bugger. Nothing wrong at all?”
“Well, actually, I do have an irritating noise in my ears.”
He cheered up immensely. “What kind of noise?”
“It sounds like a doctor touting for business” says I.
End of phone call.
- Health
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From the trial of Oscar Wilde, Edward Carson QC questioning Wilde;
“Do you drink champagne yourself?”
Wilde “Yes; iced champagne is a favourite drink of mine-strongly against my doctor’s orders.”
Carson “Never mind your doctor’s orders, sir.”
Wilde “I never do.”
In my youth, a doctor once told me to restrict myself to two pints a day. I went to four more doctors and they said the same. That was fine. Ten pints was enough for me anyway.
Best advice I ever got from a doctor was: “If you eat it, drink it or do it and it hurts afterward, then don’t eat it, drink it or do it again.”
So isn’t nice to know that all those aches, pains and what-have-you’s have nothing to do with your health?
.-= Kirk M´s last brainfart .. I’ve given it a lot of thought =-.
My Vindaloos always hurt after I eat ‘em, and they never do me any harm. In fact, they are brilliant for cleaning out the system the following morning, so they are very healthy.
Doctors know fuck all about health anyway.
Congratulations Grandad – its good to know you are in rude health as usual!!!
.-= Kate´s last brainfart .. It’s Finished!! Despite the animals….. =-.
NCT?
National Cunt Test?
Nocturnal Chloroform Testing?
Nutritional Cat Tasting?
Newly Contaminated Testicles?
Not Completely Troubled?
Nicotine Covered Thumbs?
Non Conformist Troubadour?
Nightly Cocaine Taking?
Never Courtesy Taken?
Nutter Chump Typing?
Negro Child Tickling?
.-= Brianf´s last brainfart .. Kittens =-.
Kate – Who’s being rude? Me? Never!
Brianf – Never Criticise Tobacco? Not Clearly True? New Chocolate Teapot? Who Cares?
Now Coun Tyourblessings (sorry ——)
Good on yer Grandad .. good to see you’re still fightin’ fit … Lol
NCT = Numerical Competency Test ? .. Oh well, never mind .. Ha ha ..
I never drink Champagne .. even half a glass gives me blinding headaches … but that’s no loss, as I reckon its vastly overrated (and certainly overpriced) anyway …
The last time I got a call from my doctor he completely failed to tell me what was actually wrong. But he did manage to waste five minutes of my life on the subject of my liver (which is apparently a rather bad topic). The fact that I drink copious amounts of vodka had kind of given me a clue to that one..
Never did actually tell me what was wrong with the parts of my body they were supposed to be scanning though..
You lucky sod..
Champagne is for people with a taste for money, not good booze.
Welcome BTS. I forgot to ask mine if I still had a liver. Actually, I’m a bit miffed that everything is in such good order. When they plant me at the end of my days, I don’t see the point in having perfect bits. I aim to wear everything out in equal measure.
yes well done n all that….puts me to shame…well I assume….
.-= manuel´s last brainfart .. Why are people such dicks? =-.
Of course you are unhealthy, Manuel. It’s all that hanging around restaurants, and giving up smoking and shit like that that causes it.
Congrats on a clean bill of health, docs hate that.
I’m healthy as a horse (where did that phrase come from? Most of the horses we’ve had have been frequently seen by the vet).
I’m tellin’ Joe Duffy of you, Groandad. And his people have firelighters and they aren’t afraid to use them. BURN HIM!! BURN SOME SENSE INTO HIM!! Heh.
I do hate going to the doctor’s. Place is fucking full of sick people, most of them smelling of pee or coughing, or coughing until they pee.
Prostate, is he fond of the old prostate massage?
.-= not twitter´s last brainfart .. Liam Gallagher – true =-.
Brighid – Have you thought about entering yourself for the Grand National?
Cap’n Con – Would you ever fuck off! What do you think I am? A head shop?
Not Twitter – I take it you always ask for a house call? Doc doesn’t do the prostate investigation. Four broken fingers taught him a valuable lesson.
Henry Ford would’ve loved you..
Whoa son, are you comparing this blonde bomb of a Granny to a horse?
.-= Brighid´s last brainfart .. HEAR THEM RING !!! =-.
BTS – Any colour so long as I’m black?
You started it, Brighid. “I’m healthy as a horse“.