Archive for March, 2010

Half a million

March 7th, 2010

Half a million.

That is one huge fucking number.

500,000.

Half a million miles will get you to the Moon and back.

Half a million hours ago, I hadn’t even started in Junior Infants.

Half a million days ago, Ireland was still ruled by the Celts.

Half a million Euro would nearly pay a minister’s salary for a whole year.

Half a million words is two thirds the total output from Shakespeare, or two thirds of the entire bible.

That is a lot of fucking words.

It is the number of words I have written since I started this lark.

I must be mad.

Half a million words

Caring for the elderly

March 6th, 2010

I must say I am more than a little disappointed.

For reasons beyond my sphere of influence, I was a little tied up yesterday.  I would have been more tied up but Herself always was fucking useless at tying knots.

I had things to do; people to meet and, when you boil it down to the essentials, a life to lead.  In other words, I didn’t have the time or the inclination to scribble on this site.

Now, I knew I was in safe hands.  I knew you would drop by and having found no new material would while away your hours finding those gems that you had missed in the past.  I refuse to believe that you have read everything that I have ever written [even I haven’t done that] , so I can guarantee there are hidden treasures that you have missed.

I finally got around to switching on my laptop last night, and what did I find?

I found that you bastards hadn’t bothered your arses dropping by at all.

OK, there were one or two who had enough of a soul to visit, but the rest of you are just fickle, fly-by-night fair-weather users. Have you not heard all those advertisements asking you to check on your elderly neighbours?  For all you know, I could have been dying here of hypothermia and starvation, but do you care?  Not a fucking jot.

You see, I am now officially an Old Age Pensioner.  I must be treated with respect and reverence.  I must be treated with care and most of all, you need to make sure that I am OK.

Yes, I am disappointed, and more than a little hurt.  I thought you cared, but you are more interested in your fucking iPods and your fucking Facebook than you are in my welfare.

I have a good mind to start charging entry into this site.  By God, but when you have paid your €1,000 per year to visit, you’ll want to get your money’s worth and will drop by whether I have written or not.

I was so disheartened last night that I had to console myself by leaving sarcastic comments on Twitter about Ireland’s entry for the Eurovision which was being voted for on the Late Late Show.

The entries were like you lot.

Pathetic.

World Book Day

March 4th, 2010

I see today is World Book Day.

This doesn’t surprise me because every fucking day is World Somefuckingthing Day, so I suppose books must get an elbow in at some stage.

I received my first cheque from the publishers a couple of weeks ago for my Magnum Opus.  Quite an occasion?  I brought it to my bank to lodge it, and there were the usual embarrassing scenes where the manager came out with the champagne and cigars [whereupon we had to go outside to smoke ‘em in the rain, which wasn’t exactly the ambience he was trying to create?].  He started plying me with leaflets telling me all about their fantastic investment schemes, and I told him to fuck himself, that the money was already spoken for to pay the balance on that island in the South Pacific.  Did he honestly think I was going to hand my money over to a fucking bank to mind?

Anyhow, I digress.

Apparently, World Book Day is a day for encouraging people to read, and there is an emphasis on reading sessions in libraries.  I have already contacted as many libraries as I can find and have received promises from them that my book will be on the reading list for the children’s sessions.  It’s wonderful what a simple threat of arson will achieve?  I didn’t particularly like resorting to threats, but I consider it my mission in life to broaden people’s minds, and where better to start than with the young?

I see those fucking publishers have dropped the price of The Book a tad, which means the next cheque will be a bit smaller.  Bastards.

Head Rambles

If you want to get your orders in for Mother’s Day [assuming you really hate your mother?] then you had better hurry – Amazon in the US have only five left, and there are just two left in the UK.

I see there is a new review on the US site.  It’s long and rambling, but reasonably flattering.  They end up with the paragraph:

Head rambles is a delightful read which makes you stop and laugh at the small things that make Irish life unique. The random order of stories and topics makes the book feel how it was meant to; like a witty, grumpy old man venting his frustrations about everyday life to the world.
You can almost see him sitting at the laptop with a cup of tea and his pipe. Highly recommended.

I wouldn’t object to this apart from the second last sentence – “You can almost see him sitting at the laptop with a cup of tea and his pipe”.  What the fuck do they mean by that?  “You can almost see him”? 

Are they implying that it’s all a figleaf of my mind?

Do they think I am making it all up?

Fucking nerve!

Life Liberty and the pursuit of happiness

March 3rd, 2010

Life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.

These are probably the most famous words in the American Declaration of Independence.  I would consider them to be probably the most basic rights of any man on earth.

The Americans are always on about liberty, and make great play about how they are probably the freest society on the planet.  I would argue that, especially since they introduced their Homeland Security thing, but that’s not what I’m on about today.

I was browsing yesterday when I read a piece in The Rest of the Story.  Quite honestly I had to read it a couple of times before I could believe my eyes.

"To further our mission of building healthier communities, effective February, 1, 2010, Memorial Health Care System will no longer hire individuals who use tobacco or nicotine products in any form. Memorial Health Care System and its affiliates recognize the major importance of associates’ health and well being, and the responsibility of maintaining a healthy and safe environment for all associates, volunteers, patients and visitors. Therefore, all individuals who are offered a position with Memorial Health Care System or any of its affiliates, are screened for illegal drug, alcohol, and/or tobacco/nicotine use as part of the post-offer health screening. Individuals whose post-offer health screening results are verified positive for illegal drugs, alcohol, and/or tobacco/nicotine use, and/or whose reference and/or background checks are verified unsatisfactory, will be disqualified from employment, their job offer will be withdrawn, and they may be disqualified from applying for employment for six (6) months from the date of the post-offer health screening."

In the land of Freedom; the land of Liberty, an organisation is refusing to employ people who have contact with nicotine.  Now, the anti-tobacco crowd will see nothing wrong with this and maybe even some of you rational people may see no problem here, but I would ask you to stop and think.

I suppose it is within the realms of logic that a company could refuse to employ smokers.  There is a marginal argument that a company may not like their workers nipping outdoors for a fag break during working hours.  I would contend that if a company were so concerned, that they should fight to have the indoor smoking ban removed. 

However, when you examine this ‘mission statement’ above, you will find they are going do regular screening – presumably blood/urine tests? – and therefore a person who may smoke say two cigarettes a day over breakfast is ineligible for employment. 

However, this is not the ultimate farce.

A person who may be trying to give up smoking, with the aid of nicotine patches or an inhaler cannot be employed.

This drive against smoking is reaching new depths of depravity.  We are reaching a level where the mere mention of nicotine will be a crime.  Irrespective of the fact that there is no scientific proof whatsoever that nicotine causes to anyone [with the possible exception of the smoker, but I would even dispute that] there is a drive to criminalise a sizeable portion of society.  Not only that, but they are criminalising even those who are trying to quit smoking.  Smokers are now not only being treated as second class citizens, with no rights, but are actually being deemed unemployable.  Where is the liberty here?  Where is the right to the pursuit of happiness here?

This doesn’t just concern smokers.  This should concern every single right thinking person.

This is not about smoking.  This is about how a group of fanatics whose cause is based on hearsay, prejudice and irrational fear can inveigle their way so deeply into society that their twisted thinking becomes the norm.

Do we want a world where one group can discriminate so outrageously against another?

Do we want a world where, on the unsubstantiated claims of one group can turn another group into second class citizens?

Today, it’s smokers.  Tomorrow it will be drinkers, eaters, you name it.

Am I the only person who is terrified at the way the world is going?

New traffic regulations to come into effect

March 2nd, 2010

Transport Minister Noel Dempsey has announced a series of new regulations which are to come into effect in the very near future.

Following on the report from the Road Safety Authority that one third of all road deaths are work related, he announced from his holiday on Bondi Beach that new measures were required to cut the carnage on our roads.  “If one life can be saved, it will be worth it” he said.

The new legislation will ban any driver from using his or her car with the express intention of doing work.  It is not yet clear if this legislation will include drivers who use their vehicles to drive to or from work, but it is expected to.

When contacted in his holiday villa in Malta, the minister stated that there would be exceptions to the new laws.  “As people will be forbidden from driving to or from work, we have to provide additional public transport.  Bus and taxi drivers will of course be considered as special cases.”

When asked about the inconsistency of this exception the minister, who was in Thailand at the time, replied that there would be no exceptions to the use of vehicles.  “Bus and taxi drivers may continue to carry out their duties, but will, under the new laws be obliged to use bicycles”.

Noel Brett, Chief Executive of the Road Safety Authority welcomed the introduction of the new legislation.  “Work related driving accidents cost millions of lives every day in this country” he said.  “It is a well known fact, widely accepted by the scientific community that a van driver will kill at least a hundred people in the course of a week.”  When challenged on the veracity of his figures, he retorted “what are you?  Some kind of killer loving, child hating maniac?”

After intensive lobbying, Postal Workers have negotiated an exemption for themselves and will be allowed to continue delivering the post.  They will however be restricted to a speed limit of 2 kilometres per hour on all roads.

Gay Byrne is said to be delirah and excirah at the new legislation

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