Archive for April, 2010

The Silence of the Lambs

April 20th, 2010

I had a very surreal experience today.

I had to go down to the village.  There was nothing surreal about that, and Sandy drove beautifully, as she always does.

I dropped into the pub to buy some tobacco, and to have a chat with Pullit, as one does.  We stood and batted the breeze and looked out the window.

It was then I saw them.

There was a group of about six in front of the grocery shop.  They were obviously tourists, as they all had massive cameras around their necks.  But they were just standing there, like sheep.  Every now and then, one would raise a camera and photograph nothing in particular.

After I left the pub, I realised there were a whole lot more.  I would say there were around two dozen in all, and they were all just standing silently and photographing nothing.  Have you ever seen “Children of the Damned”?  It was a bit like that, only more hair raising.

I stood near a group to hear the accents, but no one said a word.  They looked like your typical Americans – over fed and over here, but they were too quiet.  Eerie.

I waited until another raised his camera, and I stood right in front of him to block his view.  He never batted an eyelid, and just carried on staring through the viewfinder, with a glazed expression.  There was a woman beside him who was very busy photographing the sky.  Maybe they were Americans who had been trapped here by the airlines’ inability to fly through imaginary dust, and were just going through the motions until they could get home again?  Who knows?

It was really scaring me at this stage, so I shot one just to see what the reaction would be.  There was a reaction all right – they all came over and clustered around the body and photographed it, in total silence.

I admit I was really scared it this stage.

I got home as fast as the dog could drive me.

Ash my arse

April 19th, 2010

I’m getting a little tired of this volcano thing.

The television is full of it.  The newspapers are full of it.  My car is covered in it.

I asked Herself what she thought about it.  “I feel sorry for all the people trying to go to Switzerland for euthanasia” was her reply.  I didn’t pursue the topic.

Personally, I am indifferent to the whole thing.  I haven’t flown for years, and nor do I intend to for a very long time.  Actually, life is quieter now, with no jets flying overhead.  It reminds me of the 50s when we used to run outside if we heard an aeroplane as it was such a rarity.  I also vote we revert to calling the Dun Laoire ferry “the Mail Boat” once more.  It was always called that in my day.

For a volcano that is the top item in the news every day, it manages to remain remarkably anonymous.  It is always referred to as The Icelandic Volcano, or just plain The Volcano.  The reason being that with typical Icelandic cuteness, they named the mountain Eyjafjallajökull, and no one here dares mention it by name.  I have even heard a theory that the whole business is a conspiracy by the BBC’s Pronunciation Department who triggered the eruption in retaliation for all the crap-speak on radio and television these days.

I tried researching “Eyjafjallajökull” to see what the name means.  Strangely, most translation packages convert it to “Eyjafjallajökull”, which wasn’t much help.  I did some further research into some ancient Icelandic scriptures and came up with a possible meaning – roughly translated, it means “Fuck you Europe, we’re not paying the cash”.  That seems reasonable?

I presume the winds of change mean that the whole topic will soon blow over?  It’s a terrible pity they couldn’t have arranged the eruption for just a month earlier, so all our esteemed government would have been trapped overseas.  It would have given our economy a chance to recover.

I only have one thing bothering me now.

Who in Iceland gets the bill for my car wash?

Fun and wife swapping

April 18th, 2010

I had a very busy day yesterday.

It was a beautiful day, so I decided it was time to do some long overdue jobs around the estate. There were hedges to be trimmed, ground to be dug and trees to be cut back.  I set Herself to the digging while I trimmed some shrubs.  I had to leave the tree pruning as I didn’t have a suitable saw.  I even cut the grass.

Of course, having cut the grass, I had to have a bit of a smoke.  Then the neighbours got wind of it, as it were, and they wanted a sample of the grass too.  We ended up having a bit of a neighbourly barbecue.

It’s funny how these things get out of hand.

Somebody suggested a spot of wife swapping.  I was all on for it, but for some reason Herself wasn’t too keen.  I persuaded her that it was all in the best interests of the community spirit, so we went for it.

I’m very glad we did.

I swapped her for the loan of a chain saw.

Homeland Security

April 16th, 2010

I did my annual purchase of a pair of underpants last week.

People may accuse me of being slovenly, but I do change my underpants on an annual basis.

But what the fuck is this lark of putting a button on the fly?  I already have a zip on my outer trousers, so what do I need a button for?

There are times when Todger needs to make a quick exit.  After a few pints, for example, or if some Young One wants a quick flash.  Speed may be of the essence, and having to fumble my way through an extra layer of buttons can have disastrous consequences.

I presume it is something to do with underpants bombers?  People are becoming paranoid about terrorists and security and all that shit.

I blame the Americans.

When smoke gets in your ears

April 15th, 2010

The other night, I watched Panorama on BBC.

They did a programme from Alder Hey Children’s Hospital in Liverpool on what they called ‘preventable illnesses’.

It was pretty scary stuff.  We heard about thirteen year old girls regularly being carted in unconscious after drinking themselves into oblivion.  We saw a five year old slug who is so obese that his mother has to follow him around with a wheelchair as he is too fat to walk far.  We saw three year old kids on the operating table having all their rotten teeth removed.

The strange thing about the parents was that not one seemed to realise that she was in any way responsible.  The three year old with the rotten teeth “Just had to have her lollipops, starting with one first thing in the morning”.  The mother of a fourteen year old who drank a bottle of vodka a week just couldn’t connect this with the fact that she gave the son cash whenever he asked for it.  The mother of the slug insisted her son’s obesity was genetic, and had nothing to do with giving him dinner portions that would suit a Sumo Wrestler.

There was one group though where the parents weren’t to blame, yet they were the only ones that were actively and loudly blamed for their children’s malaise.  The were the Glue Ear crowd.

For those of you who aren’t doctor, Glue Ear is a condition of the middle ear which is temporary and not serious.  It causes some hearing impairment and usually clears without treatment.  What causes it?  Even the NHS doesn’t know.  I quote from another medical site I found -

The cause is probably due to the Eustachian tube not working properly. The balance of fluid and air in the middle ear may become altered if the Eustachian tube is narrow, blocked, or does not open properly. Air in the middle ear may gradually pass into the nearby cells if it is not replaced by air coming up the Eustachian tube. A vacuum may then develop in the middle ear. This may cause fluid to seep into the middle ear from the nearby cells.
Some children develop glue ear after a cough, cold, or ear infection when extra mucus is made. The mucus may build up in the middle ear and not drain well down the Eustachian tube. However, in many cases glue ear does not begin with an ear infection.

Now, the doctor who was featured treating these kids was fucking unbelievable.  She was convinced that every single case was caused by the parents smoking.  Do you see any mention of smoking in the extract above?  I don’t.  This cow however was the type of Nazi that would blame an ingrown toenail on smoking and she was determined to have her way.

She would examine the child’s ear.  First question to the parents?  “Do either of you smoke?”  If the answer was yes, she would sit back smugly and announce that this was the cause.  In a couple of cases the smokers insisted that they smoked outdoors.  “Oh!” says this fucking expert, “that doesn’t making any difference.  The fumes you carry in on your skin are just as dangerous as cigarette smoke and that’s what’s causing the Glue Ear”.  What a fucking twat!

At one stage, she turned to the camera.  “I always know when there is a smoker around the child, because I can see the yellowish tinge to the inside of the ear”.  What was so appalling was that this cow – a doctor – actually seemed to believe this tripe.  Any fucking dickhead can tell you that earwax has a natural yellowish tinge and has fuck all to do with cigarettes.

At the end of the programme, they did a revisit, to see how the children were coping.  I was interested in the Glue Ear parents.

One father had given up smoking ‘for the sake of his son’ and was having a miserable time.

Another father was happily puffing away on his fag as he was interviewed.  “No” says he. “Why should I give up?  Most of these doctors are just talking a load of bull about cigarettes.  Most of the stuff we hear about cigarettes is rubbish, and I don’t believe I’m harming my son.”

There’s hope for the world yet.

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