2010 April | Head Rambles

Archive for April, 2010

Banning the car for the sake of our health

Grandad April 8th, 2010

I came across a wee article yesterday about air pollution in Dublin.

Of course the very first sentence had to contain those ubiquitous words “according to a report”. The majority of articles I read seem to contain “according to a report” or “research has shown” or “recent studies”. In other words, some people with too much time on their hands are trying to justify their pathetic existence.

What struck me about the article is the terminology, or rather the lack of it.

Traffic pollution is a proven hazard. It is full of carcinogens and toxic materials and before the advent of the catalytic converter, was a favourite means of suicide. Measured levels at the roadside are frequently above the maximum recommended dose, which is more that can ever be said about cigarette or pipe smoke.

Yet in all the waffle, there was no mention of carcinogens. There was no mention of protecting our children. There wasn’t a single buzz-word so favoured by the health fanatics. Why?

If the Nanny State is so determined to save us from ourselves, then why aren’t they calling for an immediate and total ban on the internal combustion engine? It is costing the state a vast fortune in road construction, fuel, infrastructure, deaths and the cost to the health service alone must be staggering. Yet there is no mention of banning it. They were quick enough to ban smoking which not only cost the state nothing, but actually contributed to the coffers, and has no deleterious effect on others apart from causing a smell which they don’t like.

I am not for a moment suggesting that the internal combustion engine should be banned. The idea is patently ridiculous, yet I can’t help but wonder at the double standards.

I think there is a lot more than just traffic fumes in the air.

I think there is also a considerable stench of hypocrisy.

Going through the motions

Grandad April 7th, 2010

We have a septic tank in the garden.

I know we have, because I built it. In those days, there were no sewers or any of those so called modern conveniences, so you had two choices – a chemical toilet or a septic tank. I don’t like the stink off chemical toilets, so a septic tank was the order of the day.

I read somewhere recently on the Interweb that these tanks are supposed to be pumped out on a regular basis. I had a funny sort of idea that there was some kind of maintenance called for, and had idly decided that the thing to do is to wait until the tank stank. It doesn’t stink at the moment, though I don’t generally go sticking my nose down the vents, so I have decided to let sleeping turds lie.

I built that tank back in ‘65 or ‘66. It is the best part of forty five years old, but it has never been pumped, or cleaned out. There are poos in there that I dropped when I was a teenager. Maybe I should open it up as a museum?

If something does go wrong with it, then I have a little bit of a problem. Back in the days when it was built, there was easy access, but in the intervening forty five years, a load of trees have shot up, which means there is now no way for a lorry to get to it. I don’t know what they do in this situation? Do they take the lid off and empty it by hand, using buckets? Maybe they could dig a trench and let it empty itself into the river that flows past our place?

I confess, I haven’t really given it much thought up until now. It has lain there doing its business on my business and we have left each other alone. To pump, or not to pump. That is the question. Whether ‘tis nobler in the mind to let the neighbours suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous stench or to take arms against a sea of shite.

I think I’ll leave it alone.

It’s too nice a day to worry about these things.

Who is Tiger Woods?

Grandad April 6th, 2010

The news was on the television last night, but I had the sound turned down.

Yer Man – what’s his name – the black fella – Tiger Woods was shown strutting around and being interviewed.

I turned up the sound a bit to see what crime he had committed, and fuck me, but they were all talking in hushed reverent tones about him. He is making his first public appearance since his ~~minor~~ major indiscretions were revealed.

So fucking what?

Here is a bloke who stuck his mickey in a few places where he shouldn’t and the missus caught him out. It’s all part of the great game of life. It goes on in every fucking parish in the world, so there is no startling news there.

What is Tiger Woods world famous for? Apart from having a stupid name, he is world famous for whacking a ball around a field with a fucking stick and for screwing a few waitresses! How daft is that? If he had discovered perpetual motion, or was the person who solved Fermat’s Last Theorem, then maybe I could just understand, but hitting a ball into a hole in the ground? Fuck off!! And now they are making a huge deal about his making a comeback?

During a press conference, he put on a meek doleful voice and said that from henceforth he was going to give a good example to people. What idiot is going to take example from a golfer? Is he the new Messiah? Is he the new spiritual leader of the world? I know we could badly do with one, but a fucking golfer? He needs to be taken down a peg or two.

I don’t even like him. He plays like an automaton, with no sense of playing a game, which is all it is. It’s not fucking rocket science. There is no art or talent involved – just a bit of practice.

I could beat him any day.

I can guarantee he can’t sail one of Sandy’s dried deposits through the neighbour’s window like I can.

Tosser.

Why?

Grandad April 5th, 2010

I was going to write the definitive dissertation today on how to solve the world’s problems.

Then I thought why the fuck should I?

Why the hell should I waste my time casting pearls before swine?

Have I really convinced any non-smokers that the anti-smoking laws are unjustified and unjustifiable? I doubt it.

Have I convinced any Fianna Fail voters that the shower of wankers that they keep voting in are ripping us off and have destroyed the country? Probably not.

Have I made anyone think and realise that we are grossly over legislated and that the majority of laws are just there to control us and leech fines off us? I would like to think so, but I am not under any illusions.

So why do I bother my arse? I know I have answered this before under the banner of “people have asked me why I write, and here is the definitive answer” but that’s a load of bollox. I am answering to myself now, and the truth is required.

Am I doing it for the fame and the fortune? Hardly. I despise the celebrity culture, and the idea of being famous is abhorrent to me. I like the quiet life. As for the fortune – that’s a joke. If it was money that I was after, I’d be charging to read the site, and then I would lose the couple of readers I have left.

Am I doing it because I think I have some vast intellectual wisdom that I need to share? I hardly think that ramblings about guinea pigs and gripes about the government come under that category?

Am I doing it to amuse people? Well, why the fuck should I waste my time tapping away here just to keep people amused? I don’t think I have much of a sense of humour anyway. If I had one, I’d probably go and tell jokes down in Grafton Street and collect a few bob in the old cap.

Do I do it because I’m a lonely old bastard who has no friends and desperately needs some kind of human contact? I don’t know about that one. I’ll have to work my way through my list of friends and ask their opinion about that.

I have been racking my brains as to why I do this, and have finally come up with the definitive answer.

It’s better than doing the washing-up.