Archive for August 5th, 2010

Under the spotlight

August 5th, 2010

I confess I am a little nervous.

Some time ago, I received a very polite email.  It was someone from some university or something.  She wanted to know if she could ask some questions.

I am a very accommodating bloke so I told her to fire away.  I thought it would be the usual guff about why I started writing this site and when the fuck was I ever going to end.  It wasn’t like that though.  She started asking me all about my personal life.  She wanted details of what I did every day and when I did it and why.  She even went so far as to send me fucking forms to fill in where I had to fill in the actual times I started to do something, what I did, why I did it and when I finished.  I asked her why the fuck she wanted to know all this shit and she explained that she was an anthropologist, and wanted to study my behaviour.

I had to think about this one.  What in the name of Jayzus did an anthropologist want to study me for?  What sets me apart from the rest of the human race that I need to be studied?  Could it be that as pipe smokers are an Endangered Species that she was putting on record one of the last known specimens?  Could it be that I am one of the first members of a super new species that is evolving out of the current splodge of Homo Sapiens?  Am I the first Homo Grandad?

There have been developments since the first email.  She has started turning up in the garden.

I sometimes think she is taking the piss, because she wears a white coat and has a clipboard.  How fucking clichéd can you get?  She keep appearing at the window and peering at me and then taking notes, which is why I’m getting a little nervous.

However, I know how to play the game.  One trick I have developed for her benefit is to run out into the garden and collapse panting after a few seconds.  She usually throws a few bananas at me at this stage to see how I react [I throw ‘em straight back.  I prefer apples].  I then light up the pipe and do fifteen laps of the estate without pausing for a single pant.  I can just see the headlines – “Research has shown that pipe smoking is very good for stamina!”  Heh!

Some people brag about how they have their own personal solicitor.  Others talk about their own psychiatrist or keep fit trainer.

But how many can brag that they have their own personal anthropologist?

Stick that in your fucking pipe and smoke it.