Head Rambles

Grandad October 8th, 2010

I used to wonder what it would be like to have nothing to do.

When I was a kid, it was dangerous to express an opinion on boredom as I would immediately be given loads of shit jobs to do around the house. I learned at a very tender age that one doesn’t mention boredom.

Later, when I joined the workforce I used to relish the idea of boredom. The idea of not having to get up in the morning seemed the ultimate in luxuries. The idea of having no timetable whatsoever seemed too good to be true.

As I advanced in years, I began to have a change of heart. Did I really fancy the idea of sitting staring out the window all day?

I began to fear retirement. I had this vision of empty days stretching off over the horizon. People say that when you retire, you should take up a hobby like golf. That’s all very well, but golf is fucking expensive, and anyway I don’t play very well. Give me a dried dog-turd on the lawn, and I can sail it off into the next parish, but somehow I never could apply those techniques to a golf-ball. I just didn’t fancy the idea of spending my twilight years searching in long wet grass for little white balls.

When I left work, over nine years ago, I feared boredom so much that I started my little company. That was a fucking disaster. The company became so fucking successful that I didn’t have a minute to myself, which was the opposite extreme.

Last year, I decided to go for broke and try the life of utter boredom. I managed get rid of all my clients, and when people approached me to do work, I told ‘em to fuck off. Of course everyone thought my business had gone bust, and I didn’t bother disillusioning them. For some strange reason, people found it impossible to believe that I was shutting down a successful business simply because I wanted to try out boredom.

I have been doing nothing for over a year now. I am still waiting for the boredom to creep in. The days are flying past at a scary rate, and I just can’t believe it’s Friday again.

I have discovered that I just don’t have the time to be bored.

Doing nothing just takes up every spare minute of my day.

• Getting old , Rambles
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Grandad October 7th, 2010

Just suppose that America dropped a nuclear device on Iran?

Just suppose that on the same day Simon Cowell announced he was leaving the X-Factor?

What would Twitter and Facebook be full of?

Just wondering…….

• Rambles
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Grandad October 6th, 2010

FOR SALE

One hardly used house

As featured on frequent news items television.

Within difficult easy commuting distance of Dublin [so is perfect for those mileage claims]

Experience the life of luxury and live like a senator.

Offers over €650,000 plus expenses.

Ideal as holiday home, but may be used as primary residence for substantial extra cashflow.

The owner is currently unemployed and is anxious for a quick sale.

Full details here

• Property
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Grandad October 5th, 2010

I don’t think anyone would argue that Ireland has gone down the toilet?

In fact we have gone down the toilet, through the sewers and the sewage farm and are well out to sea by now. And lake any waterlogged turd, we are sinking fast.

When they are not making an appalling show of themselves with their crappy advertising and their drunken interviews, our Glorious Government have finished spending our money on the banks and are now well into the grandchildren’s inheritance. Times are bleak.

So naturally I have been doing some thinking. If a ship is sinking, there is no point in standing on the sun-deck admiring the view? No. If a ship is going down, you take to the lifeboats. It’s a case of Grandads, women and children first, and may the devil take the hindmost.

But having taken to the lifeboat, where do we make landfall? England isn’t in a much better state than us. They may not have our financial problems, but they seem to be more of a police state that us, which is saying something.

France would be really nice. Beautiful scenery, not too overcrowded and the cost of living is a bit better. It is also quite close to Ireland so we wouldn’t be too remote from the grand kids. The problem with France though is that they all insist on speaking a foreign language, and I’m too old to begin learning to talk again.

Then there is America. That would be fine but for the fact that it’s full of Americans. Like the French they have tried to develop their own language but have just succeeded in bastardising the English language, and once again, I’m too old to take on the task of teaching a quarter of a billion Americans how to talk proper. Nor do I like burgers, so I think America is out of the equation.

I did think about Australia, but everyone knows that place is full of convicts and rabbits, and Sandy is to old to be chasing them [or the rabbits].

New Zealand sounds nice but it’s a fucking long way away, and I don’t know if I fancy that long a trip.

Really, what I’m looking for is a country that speaks my language, that isn’t too far from here, has a nice warm climate and that isn’t so fucking anally retentive about smoking.

Anyone any ideas?

• Rambles
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Grandad October 4th, 2010

There are two names that should go down in the history of this country.

Charlie Haughey and Bertie Ahern.

Haughey was the corrupt bastard who skimmed millions in backhanders while in office and Bertie is just a corrupt little money grubber. Both saw the position of Taoiseach as a means to an end; that end being self enrichment.

The latest low point is an ex leader of our county appearing in a television advertisement for a cheap tacky tabloid paper.

Bertie is a cunning little cunt. I have to say that about him. He was the ultimate architect of this country’s demise, as he was the leader for the period when the corruption was at its worst and which ultimately led to our downfall. This little cunt is still knocking back an exorbitant salary for doing sweet fuck all except swan around the country in a state provided car. He even managed to worm a tax free exemption for his biography. Tax exemptions are only permissible for works of fiction, but there again, he is a consummate liar so he probably does qualify.

Now the little bollix is popping up on our television screens advertising his ‘sports column’ for a rag paper. Is there anything he won’t do to make money?

There was talk of him running for president. I don’t know if that’s still a runner, but if it is then this country really has sunk to an all time low.

Could this really be the future president of our country?

God help us all.

• Politics
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