Archive for November, 2010

Another false start

November 6th, 2010

I have made a decision.

For a long time now I have been working on The Book.

The only problem is that all the work takes place in my head and I haven’t made a serious attempt to put it on paper.  Or should I say hard drive?

I have made a few false starts but other things have distracted me and I have never gone beyond a few thousand words.  I have decided that something must be done.  I have been incubating my wee tale for long enough.  I really must make a serious attempt to rid myself of that fucking storyline that has been worming around in my head for so long.

The problem is that I have to rid myself of other distractions, and one of my biggest distractions is this fucking site.

I’m not quitting, so you can all please stop having heart attacks.  It is just that this place will be knocked off the top of my priority list, and occasionally I may forget to scribble here altogether.  So if any of you would like to volunteer to poke me in the ribs occasionally and remind me to dish out a soupçon of vitriol then feel free.

There are reasons why I haven’t given The Book more attention in the past while, but I hope those reasons have disappeared.  There is only one way to find out and that is to try.

Why do I have a funny feeling that I will change my mind within the next week?

A man or a mouse

November 5th, 2010

There are times when I wonder if the whole world has gone mad.

I was browsing the headlines today.  It was the usual shite about the Gubmint about to rape us with their fucking budget, and the threat of major flooding throughout the country.  In other words, SNAFU.

Then a wee item caught my attention.

Apparently if you are a needy person, the Gubmint is going to sort you out.  They are going to issue cheese.  Yes.  You read that right.  The fucking Gubmint is arranging to give fucking cheese to needy families!!!

Are you freezing in your home because you can’t afford fuel?  Never mind.  Have some cheese.

Are you sitting in total darkness because your electricity has been cut off?  There there.  Have some cheese.

Are you suicidal because you can see no hope for the future?  You’ll feel a lot better after nibbling on a chunk of Cheddar.

Now, I like my cheese.  Just so long as it is red Cheddar, and not too strong, I’m happy.  Not everyone has the same taste however, and many prefer a different variety.  Herself for example likes goat’s cheese, which is why I’m thinking of buying a goat to live in the shed with her.  She wouldn’t thank you for a lump of Cheddar.  But the Gubmint aren’t accounting for tastes in this exercise – you take your Cheddar or you die.

Now if they handed out vouchers for electricity, or bags of fuel then I would say fair play.  Everyone can use a drop of electricity or a nice smoky bag of coal.  But cheese?

I suppose some will say that a lump of red is better than a kick in the arse, but it’s a close call if you ask me. 

I have a feeling that come next Spring, there are going to be a hell of a lot of happy mice around the country?

A boggling bet

November 4th, 2010

I like the odd bet.

Last night I was chatting to a friend, and she bet me that I couldn’t use the word ‘boggles’ on this site.

Of course I accepted the bet as the odd tenner comes in handy.

It was only a while later that I realised what a corner I had painted my self into.

I mean to say – who in their right mind would use the word ‘boggles’?  It’s a fucking stupid word.  It’s the kind of word that would be used by tweedy old dears as they sip their afternoon tea.  It is not the kind of word I would use in the course of normal conversation.

I suppose I could have written about how the mind boggles at the sheer neck of our Gubmint, but I would be more inclined to just talk about how our Gubmint has a neck like a jockey’s bollox, as the use of the word ‘boggles’ just doesn’t quite cut the mustard somehow.

I spent the morning trying to think up a subject where I could slip ‘boggles’ in under the radar as it were, but I just couldn’t think of anything.  So the Gubmint have been forced by the Constitution to hold an election?  That is boring rather than boggling.  So a DJ had a quick bash of the bishop on a flight from London to Cork?  So what?  I have enough wankers to talk about in the Gubmint without humiliating a poor DJ, and again I can’t think where I could slip a ‘boggles’ in there.

Fuckit, but it looks like I have lost the bet. 

That’s a rarity.

Leaving no turn unstoned

November 3rd, 2010

I see that California has rejected the idea of legalising cannabis.

Fucking idiots.

Another victory for the brain-dead do-gooders.

But their loss should be our gain.  We don’t have a federal government looking over our shoulder yet [but give Brussels another couple of months and we will have] and are supposed to be independent, so why don’t we legalise the stuff?

We have the empty houses that would be ripe for conversion into cannabis farms.  We have the expertise.  I have the seeds We can easily import the seeds.  All we need is the green light to go into mass production.

Forget your fucking Smart Economy which is just a load of bollox that The Grinner Ryan dreamed up.  What we need is a Green Economy.  Even the tree huggers would have to back that concept?  The Grinner and Gormless would have to back the idea unless they want to prove they are utter wankers.

Just think about it.  Mass production of Mary Jane in quantities vast enough to satisfy this country’s needs, with more than enough left over to export.  As we would be the only country that has legalised the stuff, we could set our own price.  Ireland could become a world class economy again in no time. 

This is an enterprise that cannot fail.  There are two possible outcomes – we either become the worlds greatest exporter of happiness, or the whole thing goes belly up and we end up owing trillions.

And if the latter, will we give a shit?

No way, Man.

We’ll be too fucking stoned to care.

A startling new invention

November 2nd, 2010

I read an article over the weekend.

To say that my gast was flabbered would be the understatement of the year.

I was shocked.  I was stunned.  I think I can safely say I was both shocked and stunned.

Yes, indeed – Biggest Halloween Risk for Kids is Surprising.

Now in fairness, I have to say I was truly surprised.  Why did no one tell me this staggering information before? 

You see, I was brought up in a house that was full of cigarette smoke.  I lived in a world where the majority smoked.  I always travelled on the upper deck of a bus, which happened to be the smokers’ deck.  Everywhere I went I was surrounded by smoke.  In fact I can say that clean air was an extreme rarity. And now I find that I had been breathing something so deadly?  You can see how I was shocked?

I had no idea that I wasn’t supposed to enter a house where people smoked.

I didn’t know I was supposed to come down with all those nasty medical complaints.

Indeed, if I had known I would surely have died as it was something that obviously was expected of me.

I’m baffled though how no one ever mentioned these startling facts though.  Obviously none of my friends had heard either, because not one of them died.

Now that I do know however, I am going to spread the word.  I hope you read the article and drink in every word.  Note especially the bit about how your children must never accept lifts in cars driven by smokers. Never ever.  Tell them to walk instead.  If they are mugged, raped and killed then so be it.  At least you will be happy in the knowledge that it wasn’t a whiff of smoke that killed them.

I am puzzled though as to how I have managed to live this long.

Maybe it’s just because the lethal dangers of smoke have only just been invented?

Boy, was I lucky to have grown up when I did!

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