Archive for December, 2010

Afterlife

December 9th, 2010

One or two of you may have noticed that I didn’t write anything yesterday?

It wasn’t for the lack of material.  We just had a rather nasty budget that only had one really sensible item in it – no increase in the price of my baccy.  We are still suffering an abnormal cold spell and the country is gearing up for a general election which should provide some material for the future.  To be quite honest, I just decided I couldn’t be arsed.

Anyhow, I noticed a distinct silence in response to my own silence.  Not a fucking whisper out of anyone.  Not a peep from a single sinner to enquire after my health and well-being.  Thanks for that.

That doesn’t bother me, to be honest.  I can survive for a day or two without the adulation of my fan.

But it did get me thinking though….

One of these days, I’m not going to write.  You lot will sit complacently on your arses and you’ll wait for the following day.   And the next day.  And the next.

But the site will remain unupdated.  [I like that word]

And the reason it shall remain unupdated [I still like that word] is that I shall have popped my clogs.  I shall have bought the farm. I shall have kicked the bucket. As Monty Python would say – I shall be an ex-Grandad.

The thought of that day doesn’t bother me at all.  After all, I shall be beyond caring anyway.  But what will happen to this site?

It is quite an interesting question, when you think about it.  No one has the passwords to it so no one can make a grand announcement.  It shall remain languishing in a state of suspended blogification.  My last post will remain just that – the last post.

What will happen to the site?  Shall it just remain there as a testement to a bygone genius?  Shall it be used in the English Departments of the world’s universities?  Will my grandchildren point it out to my great grandchildren and say “your great Grandad wrote that”?  Will they even nail a placard onto the front of the site saying “Grandad lived here”?

Who will own it?  This is an important point as the film rights could be substantial.  Several other “blogs” have been made into films, so why not this one?  Will it become the property of the hosting company?  Should I mention it in my will?

After all my efforts, it would be a shame if someone just casually pressed the Delete key.

Wouldn’t it?

Time to grab your ankles

December 7th, 2010

I’m off to the village now.

I have to buy copious quantities of Vaseline and KY Jelly in the hope that it will ease the pain.

Yes.  It’s Budget Day.

And if you want to know how we got into this mess, take a look -

Head Rambles Airport

December 6th, 2010

I’m getting a tad pissed off with this weather.

I had to go out today.  I spent longer in the front driveway than I did on the road.

First of all, I had to scrape the ice off the windscreen.  That is a tedious job, because no matter how fast I scrape it, the fucking thing freezes over again.  And then I have to tackle the fucking ice on the inside.

Having got the windscreen reasonably clear of ice, I then have to sit for ages in the car with the engine running and the heater going full blast.  As soon as the remainder of the ice on the windscreen begins to thaw, I turn on the windscreen wipers, which smear the melt water into a thin film of water which promptly freezes again.  Fuck!

Then there are the side windows.  I can’t open them because they are electric, and the motor can’t cope with the thick layer of ice that has frozen around the side windows and gummed up the works.

Eventually, I get the glass in the various windows clear enough to peer through and the next phase starts.

The next phase is the attempt to get the gates open.  This requires a lot of pushing and shoving and a great deal of scraping as the snow has frozen solid on the ground and the gates won’t pass over it.

Eventually I get the gates open and it’s time for phase three – getting the fucking car out of the fucking gate.

Getting a car out of a gate shouldn’t be too much of a problem?  Think again!  You see, there is a bit of a slope from the driveway up onto the lane.  It isn’t much of a slope but it’s enough.  I try to nose the car out the gate and it gets as far as the slope and stops.  By this stage I am in a multi-temperature state – my blood is boiling but my fingers are frozen.  There is only one way to get out of the gate, and that is to take a run at the slope.  This is very effective, but some day soon, I am going to come flying out that gate, just as somene else is driving up the lane.  That should be interesting?

It has reached the stage where driving anywhere is like flying to London – it takes a hell of a lot longer to get the vehicle going than it takes to make the actual journey.

I sometimes wonder if it’s worth it.

 

The why factor

December 5th, 2010

I had a very nasty accident last night.

I was sitting there, minding my own business, flicking through the television channels as there was fuck all of interest on.  I accidentally flicked through the X-Factor, and Herself gave a little squeal and asked me to stick with that programme.

I watched it for a while. After all, I had to see a bit of the programme that reputedly is the sole reason the Irish haven’t started a rebellion against our Glorious Gubmint. I lived to regret that decision however.  The programme had the same fascination as a particularly nasty car crash.  It was one of the worst programmes I have seen in a very long time.

The lowlight [as distinct from the highlight] had to be that little prick Walsh.  Now there is a face I could definitely never get tired of kicking.  There was little to chose between himself and Cowell, as they were both insufferable pricks, but I think Walsh wins by a narrow margin. 

Then there was the audience.  Most of the time they sounded like a herd of pigs in a slaughter-house.  Jayzus but the noise out of them was painful.  What the fuck is it about modern youth that they have to be so fucking noisy all the time?  There was just a constant background of squeals and whistles that would give you a worse headache than a guillotine.

The contestants were pretty dire too.  To be honest, most of them sounded like they were singing karaoke down at the local pub.  Herself apparently had heard about some Irish Wan called Mary and wanted to hear what she was like.  When she finally made an appearance on stage she  proceeded to sing way off key.  I have a sensitive ear when it comes to discords, and my ears were not happy bunnies.  At last, I thought, that Walsh prick is going to have to tell Mary the honest truth, but no – he raved about her singing as if she were the new Maria Callas. 

I then had a quasi-religious moment, something like a vision on the road to Damascus.  Walsh must be deaf.  There was no other answer.

How else would you explain his strange belief that Jedward have talent?

Fianna Fail in boyant mood

December 3rd, 2010

At a press conference last night, Fianna Fail stated that they were delighted with the latest poll results which give them a resounding support of 13%.

Brian Lenihan stated that they were delighted with the results of the poll, as the figures are higher than expected.

“We are making difficult desisions and are taking the pain before moving forward” he stated.  “Polls have a margin for error of three percent, so when you add that in, we are way ahead of Fine Gael who are languishing at 32%”

Asked about Brian Cowen’s support which is at an all time low of 8%, he said that Mr Cowen was in boyant mood, and was currently attending a meeting of the Fianna Fail inner circle in the back room of Lonergan’s Bar.

“Fianna Fail have never taken much notice of polls,” Mr Lenihan went on.  “They never take account of our core support in the graveyards of Ireland.  The dead have always voted for us and will continue to do so in these difficult times.  The real poll will come in the next election.  We must move forward.”

When asked whether Fianna Fail would consider a fresh coalition with the Green Party, Mr Lenihan replied “who?”

“The country is on a definite road to recovery,” Mr Lenihan continued. 

“Tax take is up on last year by €423, after the Revenue Comissioners discovered that Pat Hanrahan of Castleisland was claiming a tax rebate for minding his dead mother.  We will not tolerate tax evasion” he said.

“The green shoots are showing.  We have taken the difficult forwards and the time is right to move decisions.  We are moving in the right direction.”

Mr Lenihan was last seen heading in the direction of Lonergan’s Bar.

 

 

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