Head Rambles

Grandad February 15th, 2011

I had to nip down to the village earlier.

While I was down there, I thought I would drop into Doc’s surgery.  Don’t worry – I’m not sick or anything – it’s just that he owes me a few bob after a poker session the other night.

Before I go any further, I should explain that Doc insists on locating his surgery upstairs.  This is apparently a deliberate ploy on his part as he says that it cuts down drastically on the number of patients [such as those with broken lower limbs or those with arthritis] so he has more time to himself.

Anyhows, I entered the front door, and there were two old dears coming down the stairs.  As they were both old enough to be my granny, I stood to one side to let them down.  They took ages.  Finally they reached the bottom step and the younger of the two realised I was there.  She squinted at me, and I saw a flash of recognition on her face. 

“Howya Mick!” says she.

“Howya!” says I in return, just to be polite.

The older then peered at me which was slightly unnerving.

“Ah, hello Mick!” the older one said.

“Hello!” says I.

They made their way out the door, presumably wondering why Mick wasn’t very chatty today.

I saw them again a wee while later when I entered the grocers.  They both glared at me and one remarked to the other that Mick turning very rude in his old age. 

I don’t know who this Mick is, but I’ll have to find him.  I can’t have blokes wandering freely in the countryside if they look anything like me.  That is just not on.  I have a reputation to upkeep.

This village is only big enough for one of us.

• Around the village
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Grandad February 14th, 2011

To my true love, to the mother of my child, my sex-kitten and my life’s companion…..

Happy Valentine’s Day.

And may the four of you never meet up.

• Rambles
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Grandad February 13th, 2011

When I was a child, one of the jobs I loved doing was painting things with creosote.

We used to have a lot of wooden things in the garden that needed treatment such as a couple of sheds, a garden bench and a few other bits and bobs.  I loved the smell of creosote.  It was somehow a very clean smell.  The best thing about painting on creosote was the philosophy of the more the merrier.  I used to just slosh it on and as a result it got everywhere.

I have installed some new woodwork in the garden.  It was a messy job and I don’t want to be doing it too often, so here was a job for the old creosote.  A good soaking in the black stuff will keep the wood going for a few years.

I went into town to the hardware store.  It’s one of those gigantic help-yourself supermarket type places.  In other words, a fucking nightmare. Even worse, there is never a staff member around who has a clue about what I am looking for.  I traipsed up and down the isles looking for creosote.  Then I traipsed left and right.  Eventually I found some stuff in a large can that was called something like Creo-Coat.  I was rightly pissed off with the place at this stage so I grabbed a can and went home.

I opened the can, and to all intents and purposes, it is creosote all right, but why the fucking name?  Then it hit me – brand something and you can whack a good 20% onto the price.  That still didn’t explain why the shop didn’t stock plain ordinary creosote though.

This morning, I was messing around on the Interweb and I looked up ‘creosote’.  What I saw explained everything….

That fucking EU is poking its nose into my affairs again.  Someone in his infinite wisdom has decided that I am incapable of using the stuff properly.   Apparently there is something carcinogenic about it and we all know that we are not trusted to use anything that may, but won’t, harm us in some far distant future. Apparently it is still on sale, but only to ‘professionals’.  The common man in the street cannot be trusted as he will probably drink the stuff by accident.

Is there any small corner of life left where we are treated like sensible adults?  Is there any facet of living that hasn’t got a raft of Nanny Regulations attached?

It would nearly drive me to drink creosote.

• Around the garden , The Nanny State
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Grandad February 12th, 2011

Jedward?

Oh sweet fuck!

Bring back Dustin.

• Television
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Grandad February 11th, 2011

The Greens say they are proud of their achievements in government.

I have been trying to work out exactly what they did do.

For a start, they propped up the worst, most reviled government in the history of the state.  By doing so, they helped bankrupt the country and hand our sovereignty to the EU on a plate.  That’s quite an achievement all right?

They brought in an additional and totally unnecessary ‘carbon’ tax on all our fuel.  Nice.

They nearly managed to ban light-bulbs.  Hah!

They let a company rent out bicycles in Dublin.  Big fucking deal.

But there is one achievement that stands head and shoulders above all the above.  I didn’t really realise how major an achievement it was until a couple of days ago.  My Damascus moment happened when I got a cold call.  It was from Airtricity, and they wanted me to switch to their service.  At least, I assume that was what they wanted because Yer Wan on the phone only got as far as mentioning the name of the company before I told her to fuck off and slammed down the phone.  It was only after that that I realised why I had slammed down the phone.  It wasn’t the fact that it was a cold call.  It was because the mere mention of Airtricty conjured up an image of windmills despoiling the countryside, and worst of all, I had a vision of Gormless and The Grinner Ryan float before my eyes.

Yes.  That is their achievement.  After a short time in government they have managed to turn me into a rabid anti-eco-terrorist.  I am now willing to do anything that would annoy Gormless and his pals.  I know it is illogical but it just shows what a profound effect they have had.  I will have nothing to do with anything ‘green’  If it’s bad for the planet, it’s good for me.  Every night I stick needles in an effigy of Duncan Stewart.  My green bin contains all my household waste, and the brown bin contains all my recyclables destined for landfill.  Most of all, I collect all my toxic waste, like batteries and refrigerators, and I dump ‘em in the landfill myself, just to be sure no eco warrior waylays them.

I am now going to spend the rest of the afternoon cutting down trees and burning tractor tyres.

The Greens certainly had a profound effect on me.

• Politics , Rambles
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