Archive for March, 2011

Irish Thingy Awards strikes back

March 8th, 2011

I received an email this morning.

There is nothing unusual there.  I receive dozens of emails, offering me everything from Viagra to Russian brides [I usually order both.  Don’t need the Viagra but one can’t be too careful with those Russian women].  This email however was from the Irish Thingy Awards.

It told me I had been shortlisted in two categories.  [I knew that]

It told me I could only be  shortlisted in one category.  [I knew that too]

It told me that I had to decide which category to enter under.

Fuck!

I don’t know.

Is this a Personal Site or is it a Humour Site?  What differentiates a Personal Site from a Humour Site?  If it were a Personal Site, I would expect it to be all about me.  It isn’t.  If it were a Humour Site I would expect to laugh when I read it.  I don’t.

I’ll tell you what I’ll do…..

I’ll let you lot decide.

Personal or Humour?

?

That way I can blame you lot when I don’t win.

Hah!

A fair belt

March 7th, 2011

I bought my first car back in 1971.

It was an Austin Mini, and I loved that car.  It was ancient when I bought it, but that didn’t matter.  If it broke down, I simply pulled onto the side of the road and fixed it.  It was very basic, and it worked [most of the time].

Since then, I have gone through quite a few cars.  There was another Mini, followed by a Datsun Cherry, a Ford Escort, two Fiestas, a Mitsubishi Lancer and the car I now drive – a Ford Focus.  I don’t have any particular preference for Ford; things just seemed to happen that way.  In fact my favourite of the lot would probably be the Lancer, but that is neither here nor there.

One thing I did notice was that every time I bought a new car, something new would appear on the dashboard.  I would have some new toy to play with.  When I compare my present car with that first Mini, there are one or two small differences – five gears, heated rear window, electric windows and sunroof, radio and CD player, five gears, reversing lights and a clatter of other things that now apparently come as standard.

When I bought my first Mini, I also bought a Haynes Manual which became one of my most used books.  It ended up virtually unreadable from the oil stains.  That manual, along with my toolkit went on every journey and it saved my bacon many times.  As I changed cars, I used to change the manual as well.

I don’t bother with manuals now.  Cars are too fucking complicated.  To change a spark plug, you now need a degree in engineering and a masters in computing.  What’[s worse, when something breaks,it always seems to be part of “a larger integrated unit”

I was out in the car yesterday, driving along minding my own business.  Suddenly the engine started making a whining noise that sounded distinctly unhealthy.  Last night I brought it over to Spanner who took one look at the engine [which looks more like an oil refinery] and gave one of his little intakes of breath.  “Steering pump” he muttered.  “That’ll cost a fair belt”.  Now spanner has three prices – a belt, a fair belt and a fair good belt, so I know it isn’t going to be cheap to fix.  There is no chance of replacing the part with a bit of an old washing machine, or a bit of string for that matter.

There are times when I miss my Mini.

Missing muses

March 6th, 2011

I sat down today with several ideas in mind.

I thought about doing a wee piece about Betty, the Queer of England who is going to drop by  sometime this year.

Then I thought about doing a wee piece about our new gubmint, and how it looks like we have just elected a replica of the last shower of wankers.

Then I decided that there was nothing interesting there, and that I would do a little article about the time I was a travelling minstrel, when I used to travel Ireland [and overseas] singing for my supper and pints.

I started to write, but I didn’t like the first sentence so I erased it.  I wrote it again, but I didn’t like that either.  In fact I tried numerous times but each time I typed, I ended up with a garbled string of words that made even less sense than my usual garbled string of words.  Then it struck me what was wrong – my Muse has fucked off somewhere, leaving me in the lurch.

I have taken to giving my Muse a day off on Saturday, in case she wants to go shopping or something, but it looks like she hasn’t come back.  I have looked everywhere but there isn’t a sign of her.  As  result I am unable to write.

It is a bit of a pain.  Once again, I have the subject matters but the words just refuse to come.  Some would call it writer’s block, but it isn’t that.  Writers block means you can’t think what to write next.  Lack of Muse means you know what to write next but the fucking words refuse to fall into place.

Seeing as I have nothing for you to read today, I will do something a little different.  I will give you a little puzzle to solve while I wait for my Muse to return.

All you have to do is print the image and cut the pieces out.  It is worth it.  It is a fine photograph of Headrambles Manor.

Headrambles Manor

 

 

Thinking out loud

March 4th, 2011

I’m just doing a drop of thinking out loud here.  Feel free to correct me if I make any mistakes.

Deflation = Recession = BAD.  This is where Ireland is now, and thousands of Irish families are falling into an ever increasing spiral of debt.

Inflation = OK.

Too much inflation = BAD.

Am I right so far?

OK.  Supposing I am, I will continue my musings.

Inflation can be controlled by interest rates.  Too much inflation – raise interest rates – brakes are applied to the economy.

Raising interest rated during deflation is a disaster.  It sucks more money out of the economy and makes matters far worse.

Am I doing all right?  I know this isn’t David McWilliams stuff, but I’m doing my best.

Ireland is still in recession.  Germany, France and a couple of others are beginning to experience inflation.  So what happens next?

Do they raise interest rates to help Germany and France, and thereby force Ireland further into recession leading to debt default?

Or do they keep interest rates low to help Ireland and allow inflation to cause problems fro the Big Boys?

I think we know the answer to that one.

Of course another way to control recession or inflation is to revalue a local currency, but that is out of the question, as there is only one currency.

So the bottom line is that one of the following three is royally fucked -

  • Europe
  • The Euro
  • Ireland

Answers on a postcard please.

Genius

March 3rd, 2011

I was watching a film last night when I had a brainwave.

The film involved a certain amount of pyrotechnics in which several houses were blown up in a rather spectacular fashion.  I was sitting there musing on how the film makers had had to go to the trouble of building those buildings only for them to be demolished again, when I had my little moment of brilliance.

As we keep hearing, Ireland is crawling with ghost estates.  They reckon there are nearly three thousand estates consisting of 120,000 built, or partially built houses.  These estates are not only quite dangerous but they are an ugly blot on the landscape.  The problem with them is that most of them can never be completed now.  Having been left open to the elements for the last couple of years, they are in a bit of a sorry state, and anyway a lot of them were built where there was no demand for housing.

Can you see what I am leading up to?

It’s obvious.

Why not sell these estates to film companies?  They will have their pick of house designs which they can then customise.  When the script calls for it, they can then burn ‘em to the ground, blow ‘em up or generally have a good time.  At the end of the day, the film company clears up the mess, and goes off to make millions with their latest box office hit, and another ghost estate ceases to be an eyesore.

I think that is a stroke of fucking genius.

My talents really are unappreciated.

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