Archive for May, 2011

The Last Post

May 20th, 2011

There seems to be some confusion about events tomorrow.

Tomorrow is of course the End of the World, just in case you haven’t heard.

Now the world isn’t just going to end with a spectacular bang, so anyone who has been looking forward to a nice fireworks display will be disappointed. In fact The End starts on a very low-key note, and the only thing that will happen is for all the graves to open, and the dead shall arise as the un-dead.  They will all be given new bodies [which is just as well, because most of ‘em are just little piles of dust at the moment] and then shipped off to Heaven.  I would advise everyone to buy gas-masks for this, as I would imagine the stench will be pretty horrific.  All this is to happen at six in the evening [local time], so if you happen to be near a graveyard at that time and see some strange goings on, then don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Once all the Zombies have been shipped skywards, then it is the turn of the Faithful.  Those of us who have led good lives will be plucked from whatever we are doing and will also be bundled onto the nearest Ryanair flight to heaven.  So if any of you are watching a favourite television programme, I would advise you to record it as you may be plucked before the programme ends and it would be a shame to spend eternity wondering how the episode ended.

Once the last flight for that bunch has departed, the fun and games really begin.

The next 153 days are going to be an endless succession of earthquakes, volcanoes, Jedward concerts and other horrific tortures for the unfaithful, all leading up to the Grand Finale on October the 21st when the Universe will cease to exist. Fortunately I have booked our French holiday for September so there should be no disruption there.

So that’s it.  That’s the timetable so you can make plans accordingly.

In case I don’t talk to you tomorrow, I hope you have a nice trip skywards, or that you enjoy the horrors of the aftermath.

I’ll see you on the other side.

Building bridges

May 19th, 2011

I have been half following the royal visit.

It’s difficult to avoid it as it’s the only topic of conversation in the meeja, though that will probably change today as Garret the Good has died.  I’ll miss him.  He was a rarity – a non-gobshite in politics.

I was quite impressed yesterday.  Herself was watching the broadcast from the banquet so it was difficult to avoid and I had to watch too.  What impressed me was Her Queenness jumping to her feet and rattling of a drop of the old Garlic language.  OK, it was only a couple of words, but it was a start.  Soon enough, with a bit of luck she’ll be up on her balcony in the palace roaring póg mo thóin at the massed crowds.

One of the things they have been waffling on about for the last couple of days is ‘building bridges’.  Mary Macker [our Pres] has been on about it for days and it has become one of those expressions that everyone is using along with ‘moving forward’, ‘taking the pain, and ‘burning the bondholders’.

I am all in favour of building bridges as it will make travel to the UK a lot easier and faster.  What’s more, by a happy coinkydinkle, I reckon that the Irish end of the bridge will be on my land which means that I will be able to charge tolls, which should nicely supplement the old pension.

I wonder when they are going to start building it.

I could do with a few extra notes right now.

Disney enters the drugs market

May 18th, 2011

Every now and then I receive mails offering to send me things, or inviting me somewhere.

One of those plopped into my mailbox yesterday.

Walt Disney invited me to the opening of a new shop.

There are so many things wrong with this that I don’t know where to start.

However, I will have a go.

For a start, Walt Disney is dead.  He died a long time ago and I am not in the habit of corresponding with the Afterlife.

The next point is that whoever actually wrote me the mail obviously hasn’t bothered to read any of my ramblings, otherwise they would know that I HATE SHOPPING and I HATE THE CITY.  Combine those two and throw in a mob of moronic children and you have neatly described my idea of Hell on Earth.  The only thing I can think of that conceivably could be worse is a trip to Disneyland.

The mail they send me was full of puke inducing words such as ‘magic’ and ‘magical experience’.  How shopping in a place full of kids is supposed to be a magical experience is beyond me.

There was one line that caught my attention though.  “A special appearance by Tinker Bell, spreading her magical pixie dust”.  I was almost tempted by that.  The chance of a quick shag and a snort of the good stuff?  It still wasn’t enough to entice me in though.

I wonder what the pushers down on Eden Quay will make of the competition?

A question of etiquette

May 17th, 2011

I have a question.

I will start off by setting the scene.

You have been invited around to a friend’s house for an evening of drinks.  In the course of the evening you receive a call of nature and excuse yourself.  Having done your business, you discover that you have been blessed with a very large floater, and flushing has no effect on the bugger.  You flush several times to no avail, and then discover there is no toilet brush.  Trying to dispose of the evidence with your host’s toothbrush doesn’t work either.

Do you -

  1. Keep flushing in the vain hope of a miracle?
  2. Write a large “OUT OF ORDER” on the outside of the bathroom door using indelible marker?
  3. Suddenly remember that you are expecting an urgent phone call, and rush off home?
  4. Pretend that nothing has happened and hope that another guest gets the blame?
  5. Stuff the toilet up with reams of toilet paper to hide the evidence?
  6. Invite everyone into the bathroom to admire your magnificent effort?

Herself says that 3 is the right thing to do, but I disagree and tend towards 6.

I was just wondering what the correct etiquette is in a situation like this?

Entertaining the neighbours

May 16th, 2011

This country used to be overrun with tourists.

Whether it was due to the gargantuan cost of everything or the success of the Great Tourist Cull I don’t know but lately they have become very thin on the ground.  This is very bad news for the hospitality industry and also for the Irish Tourist Shooting Association.

Apparently our illustrious gubmint has decided to do something about this and have invited the neighbours in.  And seeing as they had invited in Yer Wan from the East, they had to invite Yer Man from the West so there would be no jealousy.

I have no problems with inviting neighbours in for a cuppa but we seem to have lost the run of ourselves this time.  We are spending fucking millions just to make sure the neighbours enjoy themselves.  We are told that we have to lay on a lavish spread for the neighbours as the hope is that they will go home and tell their mates in the pub what a wonderful time they had here, so then all their mates will drop in too.

For the last couple of weeks the gubmint has been going mad, travelling the country and working out exactly where they are bringing the neighbours.  Having mapped out the route, they have been sprucing up all the villages, resurfacing the roads, removing all the speed bumps and generally trying to make Ireland look like what it isn’t.  In fact the country now resembles a huge film-set, with the facades all gleaming, but if you nip around the back there is still the same old squalor and decay.

In order to convince the guests that Dublin has no traffic problems, they have decided to shut down the city for a couple of weeks.  Us mere mortals aren’t allowed into the city in case we make it look untidy, and heaven forbid that we should bring our cars in as that would give the visitors the impression that parking is hard to find.

Naturally all this is costing millions that we don’t have, which is a little strange as I always thought that tourists were supposed to bring money into the country and not cost us money, but we live in strange times so who am I to argue?

Herself told me last night that she had written to Lizzie [Yer Wan from the East], inviting her in for a cuppa, as she said it was the polite thing to do.

She has even splurged out my pension on a packet of Marietta biscuits.

Now that’s going too far.

« Prev - Next »