2011 May | Head Rambles

Archive for May, 2011

The Eurasian Song Thing

Grandad May 15th, 2011

OK, so I have a confession to make.

A couple of nights ago I was down having a pint or three and Stony bet me a few notes that I wouldn’t watch that song contest thingy. So I had to watch.

From previous disasters I have learned that it is well to be very prepared before watching that epic display of kitsch and utter bad taste, so I opened a new bottle of whiskey and stoked the pipe with my best Home Grown.

It was, as I expected an endless blur of forgettable songs. There wasn’t a single one that lit my candle and the only way I could keep track of them was by keeping an eye on Dick Puddlecote’s running commentary. Thanks Dick.

I would love to give a blow by blow account of the entire travesty, but for self preservation purposes I somewhat overdid the whiskey and the Home Grown, so last night is a bit of a hazy memory, not that I think that sobriety would have improved things, but at least I am still relatively sane today.

I vaguely remember some weird apparition cycling around the stage on a monocycle with a fucking great cone on its head, but that may just have been the Home Grown. In retrospect it must have been the Home Grown as even the Eurasian Song Contest wouldn’t sink that low.

I remember going for a dump as soon as they announced Ireland’s entry, which I thought it the time was a very fitting and appropriate gesture.

I also have hazy memories of one of the most cringe-worthy bunch of presenters, but I do distinctly remember that one of them was quite shaggable. She was blonde, I think. I also remember thinking that I wouldn’t kick the German lass out of bed for eating biscuits, but that is about as far as it goes.

By the time the voting came around I was pretty well anaesthetised so I don’t remember any of that. I had to check the papers this morning to see who had won what. So Ireland didn’t win, which is surprising as it was certainly bad enough to be up there. I’m delighted as it only would have encouraged that insufferable pair of twins. Maybe they will shut the fuck up and go back to kindergarten now and leave us alone? Unfortunately, I doubt it.

Apparently Azerbaijan won. The only things I know about that country are that it’s one of those backward countries that have mysteriously appeared from nowhere in the last few years, and that it’s not in Europe. So I don’t know what the fuck it was doing in a European thing.

Leastwise, they are stuck with the job of hosting the circus next year which should nicely bankrupt them.

Do they even have electricity in Azerbaijan?

School report

Grandad May 13th, 2011

A mail just plopped into my Inbox.

It was a comment on my little rant the other day about Ireland being a nation of sheep.

It was off topic, but I think it deserves a little examination…

MartinW writes as follows -

Most of the impact of that essay is lost through the swearing, which only serves to indicate a poverty of thought and language. If the author would desist from the use of the F-word, then his posts would enjoy a much wider circulation and listener sympathy.

Apart from the fact that I didn’t swear [much] in that post, he raises a question that I can’t answer. How can I possibly know peoples attitude to the sparse cussing that goes on on this site? I presume I could answer that MartinW’s comment is the first complaint/slap on the wrist that I have had in quite a few years.

I tend to write as I speak. If something annoys me I tend to let rip with a few choice words. It’s nothing to do with poverty of thought or language; it’s to do with my feeling a little better, and anyway a good adjective or two can nicely express my feelings.

As a little aside, one thing that does annoy me is the expression “the F-word”. It smacks of cowardice as we all know what “the F-word” is, so why not say it. Unless of course it’s a different F-word in which case it is damned confusing.

So it’s up to you lot. You are the people on whose behalf MartinW is writing, so only you lot can reply. Let’s hear your opinion.

And I hope you all appreciate how I didn’t use the word ‘fuck’ once.

Aw shit!

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Comments(31)

Good luck Jedward

Grandad May 12th, 2011

There is one thing you have to admit about the Irish – when we do something, we do it really well.

Our latest world class expertise is the ability to humiliate ourselves in public.

However, if you think our performance in Europe was good, where we went with a begging bowl in one hand and our ankles in the other, then you ain’t seen nothing yet. We are about to play our ace card.

Tonight is the second semi-final of the Eurovision Song Contest, and Ireland is up there with its entry -

Jedward!

For those of you who are fortunate enough never to have heard of Jedward then let me enlighten you.

The Grimes twins are a pair who were ceremoniously voted out of the X-Factor. They didn’t win, probably because they are utterly talentless even by X-Factor standards. Their only claim to uniqueness is their hair which they comb so that they look like a pair of ice-cream cornets. That hair is just begging to be attacked with a pair of scissors. Or a chainsaw.

Tonight they will be singing a song called [I think] Lipstick. I have heard the ‘song’ a couple of times and somehow I have survived with my sanity intact, or reasonably so. It is basically a meaningless, trite tuneless thumping beat which means it stands a good chance of winning. It has the unfortunate effect of lingering in your head after hearing it, so you have been warned. It is about as infectious and irritating as a dose of herpes.

There has been some debate about the boys’ sexuality. I have nothing against homosexuality [and I mean that literally as well as figuratively] but I do draw the line at screaming queens on television, and boy do those two scream! They claim they aren’t ‘gay’ and I believe them. I also believe that Graham Norton And Boy George are up there with Arnold Schwarzenegger and Chuck Norris.

Unfortunately they appear the odd time on television, and that is quite an endurance test. They tend to screech in a monotonous monotone, and like every like second like word like is like. Like. They also preface every sentence with ‘Oh My Gawd’ and also frequently throw in a ‘coowel’ [‘cool’ to you and me]. In other words, they have almost reached cult status as parodies of modern yoof.

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Of course, that’s just my opinion.

I won’t be watching tonight.

However I have placed a large bet on them winning.

Either way I’ll be happy.

A nation of sheep

Grandad May 11th, 2011

I was sniffing around the Interweb and I came across a mention of Yours Truly.

A mention in itself was a rarity but a nice mention is positively unique. However, that’s not why I am writing about it.

The question behind the post is a valid one, and one that I have thrown up a few times myself -

What the fuck is wrong with the Irish?

Over the past years we have come increasingly under the jackboot of Europe. They now dictate most aspects of our lives. Don’t kid yourselves that we are a democratic and independent society as that would be like saying that we determine who runs a company by voting for the receptionist at the front desk. The majority of ‘decisions’ made by our lot have to be run past Europe first, but most ‘decisions’ are foisted on us without us even asking.

Simon, in his article is talking about the smoking ban, and that is a classic example of the kind of state interference that I am on about.

Why was the ban introduced? Was it because of intense lobbying from the people of Ireland? No. Did the people of Ireland have any say in the mater? No. Why then was the ban introduced? It was introduced purely and simply to earn brownie points in Brussels, who in turn were under intense pressure from the pharmaceutical industry.The ban was then followed by even more ridiculous exercises such as the banning of packs of ten cigarettes, and the display of any mention of cigarettes in a tobacconist’s shop. The only result of these measures has been to close pubs and inflict further hardship on tobacco retailers. And have the Irish objected to these Nanny laws? Not a fucking whimper. They bowed their heads and muttered about their clothes smelling fresher.

I was watching The Plank on Monday night, where they were discussing the hospitality industry. One woman [a pub owner] was asked why the trade was being decimated. She hummed and hawed and then suggested it was competition from the supermarkets. Plank asked her if the drink-driving laws might have had an effect. She pounced on that one and said that yes, that was the cause. Plank then suggested the smoking ban? She dithered over that one, but stuck with the drink-driving laws. This is despite the fact that the decline in pub trade coincided precisely with the introduction of the ban, and that the Licences Vintners’ Association cited the ban as the reason. Like everyone else, the woman had been taken in by The Spin.

We have become a country that is laden down with laws. Over the last couple of years various suggestions have been made to help our financial situation. Every single time, we were told that it couldn’t be done ‘for legal reasons’. Bank directors had to receive ridiculous bonuses ‘for legal reasons’. Judges couldn’t take a pay cut ‘for legal reasons’. Actually that example is even worse – the judges couldn’t take a pay cut ‘for constitutional reasons’.

Has anyone ever stopped to wonder if all this is fair? Is it fair to pay corrupt bankers millions of our money while respite homes are being closed? Is it fair to pay billions out to continental bankers on unsecured and non-guaranteed loans while people have to wait for days on trollies in our hospitals? Is it fair to close down half our hospitality when publicans and hoteliers could easily provide accommodation for smokers?

The Irish used to be renowned as a fighting race, and they meant ‘fighting’ as in ‘standing up for ourselves’ and not pub brawling. We had a proud tradition of independence. After hundreds of years of oppression, we finally gained a modicum of freedom, only to give the whole lot, and more besides, away. We have become a nation of sheep, meekly cowing to the diktats of others and believing all the spin that is thrown at us. Even the Greeks are laughing at us.

Why do I have the feeling that if they passed a law banning Twitter and Facebook in Ireland that only then would there be riots and bloodshed in the streets?