Now the thing that was so strange about this was that the tune that was chasing itself around my skull was “My Way” by Sinatra. I hate Sinatra’s singing. I always have done. I hate Sinatra, Bing Crosby, Andy Williams and any other in that genre of ‘crooning’. And for the record, I also hate Elvis Presley. If you have any problem with that then tough. Live with it.
So why the fuck was Sinatra groaning his way through my cranium? I hadn’t switched on the radio so I just don’t know how it got there. It was horrible.
They say that the best cure for an earworm is to blast it with some decent music. I dived into my wee collection, picked a tune at random and played it at full volume. That did the truck. It banished Sinatra to wherever he should be [wherever that is..]
It was at this point that strangeness piled itself upon strangeness. I had picked the song entirely at random and it was only half way through it that I realised how appropriate it was.
The clouds disappear, the sun shines from a clear blue sky and the wind drops. The thermometer even dips its feet above twenty degrees. Weather forecasters throw caution to the winds [sic] and dare to mention the word ‘hot’.
This is known as ‘Summer’ here. If it lasts more than twelve hours it is called a ‘heatwave’.
Because our summers are so short here, rarely lasting more than forty eight hours we have a lot of hard work to do. First of all there is the scramble by the various councils to issue their warning notices about water shortages. Dublin is first off the mark this year, having put out their warning within six hours of the start of ‘summer’. No doubt other councils will be a little miffed at missing the first spot and will try to save face by imposing hose-pipe bans, water rationing or even complete disconnection of water supplies.
Another group who crave the limelight are the farmers. As soon as they even hear the word ‘summer’ they fight for places on the television news complaining how their crops are ruined by the terrible drought and how they aren’t going to be able to earn a penny this year.
Another aspect of our ‘summer’ is the moaner. Timothy Brady of Limerick wins the prize this year by complaining of the heat just after sunrise this morning. Doubtless the sole topic of conversation tonight in the pubs will be the terrible heat and when is it ever going to cool down.
Our current ‘heatwave, which started at five this morning is expected to last at least until tomorrow evening. This of course is going to lead to total insanity tomorrow as the entire country will try to drive to Brittas Bay. Those that don’t have a car will get the Dart to Seapoint. As a result, 99% of the population is going to spend tomorrow sitting in a fifty mile traffic jam bitching about the traffic and the terrible heat.
I like this kind of weather. It reminds be of the real long hot summers we had back in the fifties.
Of course that was before the days of Global Cooling.
All I ask is that you STOP USING THAT FUCKING ABBREVIATION “APP”.
I don’t know what it is about app that gets my dander up but I cringe every time I hear it. And I fucking hear it too much. I started to watch a video about the release of Windows 8 purely because I had nothing better to do. Every fucking second word was ‘app’. I had to switch off. I couldn’t listen to any more ‘apps’. I received a magazine to which I have a subscription, but plastered across the front page was “APPS – Everything you need to know”. The magazine went straight in the bin.
I think the main reason I hate the expression so much is that it is so fucking typical of modern yoof. It summarises the obsession with fucking mobile phones. It encapsulates the utter laziness where any word over five letters long has to be abbreviated. It typifies the inability to spell anything longer than three letters. In other words, I would describe it as a Neanderthal word for a fucking Neanderthal world
Let’s get one thing straight. The word is ‘application’. OK? Got that? That’s not too hard now, is it? You didn’t feel any pain reading that word? Do you think you could possibly remember just eight more letters? No. Probably not.
I am hereby warning you. Anyone who uses ‘app’ within my hearing is liable to get his [or her; I believe in equality] face smashed in.
There seems to be a trend that where they go, we occasionally like to follow, so it’s nice to know what is potentially coming down the line, as it were.
A little snippet of news filtered through the other day. I can’t remember how I found it, so I can’t do any hat tipping, but thanks, whoever you are.
I had to read that a couple of times to make sure it wasn’t a joke, but it isn’t. Apparently if you swear, you automatically become a criminal. One ‘fuck’ and you immediately become a racist scum with pockets full of flick-knives and graffiti spray cans. One ‘bollix’ and you become a hoodie, terrorising old dears.
This is potentially one that could cross the Irish Sea, as the Gardai here would make a fucking fortune. At the census before last, there were two remaining people who had never uttered a profanity in their lives and they were in their eighties, so they are probably dead by now.
What interests me about this new scheme though is that “members of the public have also been asked to report offensive and intimidating language, including swearing.” It’s bad enough that they have ‘hot-lines’ for people to report smoking or driving, but this one opens a brand new can of worms. If I want someone fined, all I have to do is walk up to them and tell them that I am reporting them for swearing. I can guarantee that they will tell me to fuck off. Gotcha!
I’ll tell you one thing though. If they ever try to bring the likes of that into force here, they can think again.
Subscribe to audio
