Just the thought of it
Grandad August 12th, 2011
When I was a lad, running a temperature was a sure-fire method of getting a couple of days off school.
The Ma would toddle into the bedroom, stick a thermometer into my gob and wander off again, leaving me to my own devices. My devices were simple – either a drop of friction on the bed-sheets or the bulb in the bedside lap. Either method is guaranteed to work, though The Ma might get suspicious if I were running a temperature of 150 degrees.
Docs are the same. They also love the temperature, but also have a few extras. They check temperature, blood pressure, pulse and whether you have a cold wet nose or not [our Doc trained originally as a vet]. This always struck me as being akin to kicking a car’s tyres and checking the radiator levels to see if a car runs or not. Very strange.
I have my own method, and it is incredibly accurate. Basically it is a checklist of what makes me nauseous.
The concept is very simple. I have a list of foods and beverages, and I just imagine myself sitting down to a large portion of each item.
First off is tripe. I think of myself tucking into a large plateful of tripe and then check to see if I feel nauseous. I fucking hate tripe, so nausea at this level means that I am in the whole of my health. If I didn’t feel nauseous then there is something wrong.
Then I step up the ladder and think of boiled bacon and cabbage. Nausea at this level probably means a minor head cold or a mild flu. Nothing whatsoever to worry about.
I continue on up the list covering such items as poached salmon [that means I need a couple of aspirin] through minute steak [this is getting serious at this point] up to Confit de Canard and Vindaloo.
Nausea at the thought of Confit de Canard is serious stuff. At this stage I would need a heavy prescription of something or other, and as for Vindaloo – that is the point where I lash down to the nearest fever hospital and book myself in.
There is one further level. Guinness. Feeling nausea at the thought of a couple of pints is exceptionally serious. It has never happened.
I reckon it would mean I’m dead.
- Health
- Comments(12)
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if i’m off food at all rush me to the doctor and if i’m off beer or wine refusing when offered, call 911 immediately i need hospital emergency
Guinness is a fine medication for dealing with the earlier symptoms.
I guess you are still sick you mard/nesh shite. Bit of a cold and you are still whinging & whining. I can help. A large Tyrconnell, Black bush will do. Two aspirins, lemon juice, drop of hot water. Early bed. Sweat it out overnight. Doc tt.
Where did my flag go ?
There it is.
Cat – A simpler but just as effective method?
Ian – A pint of plain or a neck of the hard stuff. Can’t beat either.
TT – Actually I’m not, but I suppose you have to have your snarky comment? What’s mard/nesh?
And stop talking to a web site. You’re not taking your pills again, are you?
i agree totally simplier perhaps but yes
Google the words
When health is bad and your heart feels strange,
And your face is pale and wan,
When doctors say you need a change,
A pint of plain is your only man.
Grandad, all times are Dublin Daylight Time (Chicago time + 6).
1.I received “Just the thought of It” with 9 comments from 8-12-11 at 6:25pm to 8-13-11 at 9:03am.
2. I received this on 8-13-11 at1:16pm.
3. I received it from noreply+feedback@google.com
Ian – As de Brudder says?
Ramrod – I dunno what the answer is. You are on the mailing list [along with 135 others ?! ] and are marked as active, so unless all 136 are getting late mails, I just do not know.
Indeed, one of the finest pieces of verse written in Ireland.