Grandad August 10th, 2011
Four years ago I scribbled a wee article about a wasps nest.
In it, I mentioned how my neighbour had foolishly allowed wasps to build a nest in their eaves [the neighbour’s eaves, not the wasps]. I described how with the help of a newspaper and a few gallons of petrol I had managed very effectively to remove the wasps nest, and subsequently the neighbour.
There are new neighbours in there now. A nice quiet couple who I am pleased to say are very fussy about not letting a wasp anywhere near their property.
For the last couple of weeks this site has been inundated with searches by people looking for a way to remove a wasps nest. So many queries in fact that they have knocked “senior citizen porn” off the top search spot.
Naturally I wondered if any of my new readers had followed up on my advice. One of the drawbacks of the site is that I never get any feedback from people. I would love to know if anyone has followed up on my advice.
Anyone know of any strange or unexpected fires in your neighbourhood?
Grandad August 9th, 2011
Me: Howya God!
God: Howya Grandad.
Me: It’s been a while?
God: Has it? I wouldn’t know as time means nothing to me.
Me: I have a wee question.
God: Shoot.
Me: Does it bother you at all if I don’t believe in you?
God: Not in the slightest. There are plenty who do.
Me: I once heard a vicious rumour that any time someone stops believing in you, you consign a cute fluffy kitten to the fires of Hell.
God: Indeed I do.
Me: Aren’t you supposed to be an all loving God? That doesn’t exactly fit in with chucking cute fluffy kittens into the fire?
God: I’m all loving all right, but I just don’t like kittens.
Me: so if I start believing in you again, you will save a cute fluffy kitten from The Eternal Flame?
God: No chance. Once those fuckers go in, they stay in.
Me: What happens if you stop believing in me?
Bright flash. Loud bang.
Disembodied voice: OY!
Bright flash loud bang.
Me: That wasn’t funny.
God: Wasn’t it? I thought it was.
Me: that’s the trouble with you – you never play fair. You can never resist pulling one of your fancy stunts.
God: I have the power. It would be a shame not to use it.
Me: And you wonder why I don’t stop for a chat too often………..
Grandad August 8th, 2011
That was one hell of a weird weekend.
I am not normally one for getting ill. Sickness has only one redeeming factor and that is the ability to get a couple of weeks off work. Seeing as I gave up paid employment ten years ago, there didn’t seem to be any point in falling ill. so I didn’t.
On Saturday night I was completely blindsided by whatever the fuck bug it was. It left me completely incapacitated all through yesterday. I even went to bed early which is an indicator of how bad it was. I woke this morning and had great difficulty getting dressed – every move I made was agony. I made myself a cuppa [which I never drank] and eased myself painfully into my armchair. I promptly fell asleep again. I woke again an hour or so ago and found my clothes were wringing wet. And suddenly all the aches and pains had disappeared. I can actually move my head again and can walk without difficulty.
The only problem now is that I have to catch up with the rest of the world. I haven’t a clue what has been happening, and have had to flick through a few news sites to see if I have missed any excitement. Apart from America going into financial meltdown and riots in London it seems to have been a quiet enough time.
My problem is that I have little or no memory of what went on yesterday [or most of the day before] so I have nothing to write about. I have a vague recollection of entertaining visitors yesterday and I notice the Sunday Times is on the table so I must have gone down to the shop at some stage. But vague recollections don’t make for interesting scribbles, so I looks like I will have to spend this evening in the pub to catch up on all the important bits of news.
It’s a tough job, but someone has to do it.
Grandad August 7th, 2011
I wasn’t going to write anything today, because I feel like shite.
Headaches, faceaches. shivers, aches all over, hot and cold flushes. You get the picture.
Then I realised something.
The chances are that this little beauty is highly contagious, and therefore the chances are that you’ll pick it up just from reading about it. I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy. Well, actually I would but that’s beside the point.
Anyhows, I would suggest that you take the following precaution -
Mix up a large bath of water and Jeyes Fluid. Then immerse your computer completely in the solution. There is no need to unplug it first, and it’s probably better if you don’t as that way the disinfecting will be more thorough.
I would further suggest that once you have immersed your computer in the Jeyes Fluid that you give yourself a thorough scrub. A coarse bristle brush [or ideally a wire brush] will do the job.
You have been warned. I have told you what to do, and if you wake up in the morning feeling like shite and with headaches, faceaches. shivers, aches all over and hot and cold flushes, then don’t come crying to me. It’s your own fucking fault for ignoring a simple straightforward procedure.
Why do I just know that someone will ignore me and will carry on getting infected.
There is always one.
Grandad August 6th, 2011
Herself didn’t get up until seven this morning.
Today is her birthday so I let her have an extra hour’s lie in.
She doesn’t know it yet, but I have another treat for her later. I bought her a can of Guinness to enjoy while I’m down the pub tonight celebrating the day that’s in it.
I have that woman thoroughly spoiled.
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