Archive for December, 2011

The making of a rebel

December 15th, 2011

It looks like there may be trouble at t’mill.

The proposed new house tax hasn’t even started yet but already they are threatening us with fines and imprisonment. 

Dame Enda is shouting the odds saying that anyone can afford €2 a week.

That may be so.  €2 isn’t much in the grand scheme of things, but what about next year?  Will it remain at €2 a week?  Like fuck it will.  It will be  €5, €50 or even €100 once they get their claws in us and realise they have a handy stream of free money.

Many years ago, a government got into power when one of their election promises was to abolish car tax.  Once elected they did just that.  Car tax was abolished and the introduced a new “Road Fund Licence” at £10 a year flat rate.  Oh how the people rejoiced!  Within a year, that started to climb and it now stands anywhere between €104 and €2100, and the name has reverted to car tax.  And it will be going up again next year.

Also, many years ago I was young, and naïve.  They introduced a refuse charge that sparked off a major campaign of non-payment.  However I was innocent and honest and duly sent off my cheques, which at the time I could ill afford.  The non-payment campaign was duly successful and the charges were dropped.  Those who hadn’t paid got off, so I duly wrote and asked for my money back.  In no uncertain terms I was told to go fuck myself.  It was a salutary lesson that I learned well and was in part instrumental in reforming me into the cynical, worldly-wise individual that stands before you now.

So they can go and fuck themselves with their house tax.  I came by this house by honest means, and most of it was built with my own sweat [and a few concrete blocks].  I see no reason why the hell I should pay the government for the privilege of living under my own roof.

Of course I have already heard some sheeple bleating that other countries have the tax so it only fair that we should pay it.  My answer is that in some countries they stone women to death for adultery and in others they have no income tax.

I can see interesting times ahead.

Scientists or scum

December 14th, 2011

There has been a quare bit of excitement over at CERN over the last few days.

They are hoping they may have discovered proof of the Higgs Bosun particle, otherwise known as the God Particle and are lepping around in pure excitement.  Proof of its existence would tie up so many theories on the origins of the Universe and the structure of matter itself.  Heady stuff.

However, they are being cautious. They are pretty sure that they have found it but they are holding back on an official announcement because they want to be absolutely sure, and that won’t happen for months yet.

These are the scientists I have admired since developing an interest in physics back in my schooldays.  The great names of Einstein, Newton, Bohr and the like have blazed a path of glory through our knowledge of the Universe and I have looked up to them as gods.

They are true scientists.

Where then did the modern breed of $cientist come from?  The so called “expert” whose quest for knowledge is irrelevant compared to their quest for money and prestige?  I am talking about those who will bend, distort and conceal facts simply in order to obtain grants, and retain political favour.  Compare the quest for Higgs Bosun  with the studies on climate change or the studies into tobacco smoke.  There is no comparison.  CERN won’t announce their proof until they have flipped a metaphorical coin and got twenty heads in a row, but the others will produce any old rubbish in order to suck up millions in grant money.

Can you imagine the scientists in CERN shutting down their Collider and declaring that the science is now closed?  Are they rushing out press releases saying that there is unanimous consensus that Higgs Bosun exists?  No.  They want proof and they will continue to strive for that proof.  If they don’t find it, they won’t pretend they have.  They will simply scrap the Higgs Bosun theory and start again.

Compared to the CERN physicists, the climate crowd and the anti-smoking crowd are nothing short of scum.

They sully the very name of science.

Just thirty seconds of your time

December 13th, 2011

Dear Advertisers,

I have probably written to you on this subject before as it is something close to my heart.  If I did, you chose to ignore my message which is not a good thing for either of us.  If I didn’t then here are a few tips for you to improve your sales and for me to retain my sanity.

If you are trying to sell perfume or cosmetics then don’t show sexy young things.  It is false advertising.  I know because I tried one of the products on Herself once and she still looked the same after.  That was Not Good.

What is it with you lot and cartoons or animations?  Just because you have done a night course in computer animation doesn’t mean you have to use it.  Trying to sell to an adult by using cute cartoon characters or talking animals is condescending and doesn’t work.  After a few years of babysitting the Grandchildren, I am off cartoons for life.  And sticking a pair of arms and legs on your product is not cute nor funny and is guaranteed to make me avoid that product for life.  In particular I find those characters with long pointy noses very irritating and faintly nauseous.

Why do you insist on using the expression “must have”?  Only I know what I must have and you have fuck all chance of convincing me otherwise.  The same goes for “perfect day”.  Chances are my perfect day will not include any of the shit you are trying to convince me to buy.  So fuck off with those two expressions.  Capiche?

Trying to sell a chat line by showing a slapper in her underwear and rubbing her tits is more than misleading.  I know that I am more likely to end up chatting to some pox ridden skanger in Tallaght who is just trying to supplement her Unemployment Benefit.  I appreciate that showing some middle aged bag wearing trainers and a dirty tracksuit is unlikely to promote your product, but that’s your problem and not mine.

I do not understand this obsession with America.  Am I really supposed to be so in awe of all things American that I will buy something because you film the advertisement in New York or stick “American style” onto the product?  You once showed an advertisement that showed a tosser swimming the Atlantic to enjoy a pint in a New York pub.  It put me off Guinness for nearly a week, it was so fucking ridiculous.

I am not in the habit of driving along Alpine roads.  If you are trying to sell me a car, at least have the decency to show it being driven on potholed roads or stuck in a permanent traffic jam.  Even better, show it in a car park being battered to death by supermarket trollies.

These are just a few pointers.  I would ask you to take heed and then maybe – just maybe – I might show a passing interest in your products.

Alternatively you can all bugger off and leave me in peace.

Now that would be a “perfect day”.

Yours etc,

Grandad

Seasonal generosity

December 12th, 2011

I’m just back from a trip to Skobieville.

Now Skobieville is a pretty depressing place at the best of times, but on a very wet, windy, grey Winter’s day it is little short of grim.  The only thing about seeing the place on a very wet day is there aren’t so many unemployed skobies hanging around, and the place looks almost tidy [if you ignore all the empty beer cans and chip wrappings blowing in the gutters].

While I was there, I thought it would be an idea to get Herself something for Christmas.

She is not an easy person to buy for that that is putting it mildly.  She has just about everything she needs.  Some blokes buy their missus clothing, but I steer clear of that trap.  Buying clothes for a woman is a chore that is heavily laced with minefields.  Anyhow, she has two full sets of clothing so she can wear one lot while the other is in the wash.  What more would she want? 

Last year I bought her a heater for her shed.  Was she grateful? Was she, hell!  The year before I got her a pair of steel capped boots so she would be more comfortable working in the garden.  Still no gratitude.

After a lot of shopping around without doing any actual shopping, I decided that she was too damned difficult to buy for.  In the end I bought her a packet of fags which in retrospect is damned generous of me.  Have you seen the price of fags in Ireland?  It is a bloody generous present, if you ask me.

I wonder what she is getting me?

I hope it’s something really expensive!

A sharp intake of breath

December 11th, 2011

Spam has received a very bad press over the years.

When we think of spam, we immediately think of the endless offers of genuine replica [?] Rolex watches and the interminable offers to add an extra couple of inches to our manhood [as if I needed it! Hah!].  However there is a load of stuff out there which really makes good reading.

I have a couple of defences against the thousands of offers of Viagra and the like.  I have a filter thingy on the server which eliminates all the spammy shit destined for my mailbox.  It filters out a lot of genuine mails from friends and relations too which has the added advantage of giving me less to read and to reply to.

I also have a couple of yokes in the back-room of this site.  One [WP-SpamFree ?] just blocks all the really tedious comments, and I never get to see them.  The other is Akismet which lets comments in, but holds them for me to check.  There is some really good stuff in that lot.

Most of the stuff in there is really flattering and any time my self confidence is on the ebb, I have a read just to make myself feel better.

“Some times its a pain in the ass to read what blog owners wrote but this site is very user friendly !” writes a bloke with the unusual name of Reseller Hosting.  I mean to say, who wouldn’t be chuffed reading something like that?

Some of the comments are a little obscure and I’m not really sure what they are trying to say – “This web page leaves a beneficial materials that may ‘t be disregarded primarily it is made up of and displays us one other level of hugely extraordinary impression.” – from Anxiety Disorders for example.  Maybe they are just trying to work through their anxieties?

Others are quite lavish in their praise.  “I simply wanted to thank you again for the amazing web site you have made here. It is full of ideas for those who are seriously interested in this subject, specifically this very post. You’re really all amazingly sweet along with thoughtful of others plus reading your site posts is a superb delight in my experience. And what generous gift! Dan and I are going to have fun making use of your guidelines in what we need to do next week. Our collection of ideas is a mile long so your tips will be put to great use.” writes Gay Webcam [what the fuck were their parents thinking when they christened their kids?].  I have printed that one off and framed it. 

One that I am still working on is “vend cubit peasy cotone marriageable pinched sputum closefisted cartwright” from Free Sexcam [probably a cousin of Gay Webcam?].  That one is even too obscure for Google Translate.

I think my favourite though is a wee contribution from a lovely person called CPanel Reseller Hosting [they have to be related to Reseller Hosting].  It is this comment that I think of as I drift off to sleep at night.  It makes the world seem a nicer friendlier place.  It is short, succinct and enormously flattering…

“You are my inhalation”

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