Archive for the 'Advice' Category

New Years Resolutions

Grandad December 30th, 2009

Can we just agree on one thing at least?

Can we all agree to drop all this shite about New Year’s Resolutions?

You know it’s all crap, and I know it’s all crap so let’s nip it in the bud right now.

Every year it’s the same old verbal diarrhea. You are going to lose weight, or you are going to give up smoking or you are going to be nicer to people.  Bollox.  We both know that after a couple of weeks you are going to slip back into your old ways and resolutions will thankfully be forgotten.

But in the meantime you have become an insufferable bore.  You can’t help but be smug about your new abstinence or your new found personality, and everyone grows to hate you.  When you slip back into your old ways, not only have you lost all your friends, but now you are full of self loathing for failing in your quest.  So all you have achieved is the loss of your friends and your self esteem, and have gained nothing.  Is that a good bargain?

Anyway, what is all this nonsense about self improvement?  What is there to improve?  So you smoke a few packets of fags a day?  Good on ya.  Carry on enjoying your puffing.  And unless you are in the Mary Harney league, forget about diets.  What’s wrong with a little extra bulk?  It will keep you warm on the cold days.

I made one resolution back in ‘65, and I have managed to unwaveringly keep it.  I resolved never to make another resolution.  I am all the better for it, even if I am still smug about the fact.

And can someone tell me why we should only wish happiness on prescribed days?  That always baffles me.  Tomorrow, and the day after are no different from any other days of the year, apart from being cold, wet, dark, windy and miserable.  Their only significance is an arbitrary number.  There is nothing to distinguish them apart from a calendar on the wall?

But we all have to go all gooey and squishy and make resolutions and wish each other a Happy New Year, and make lists of the best and worst of 2009.  The first person to wish me a Happy New Year is going to get my size 11 up their hole.

Mind you, New Years Eve does have one good thing going for it.

It’s yet another excuse to get totally rat-arsed.

As if I needed an excuse?

A change of pace

Grandad June 14th, 2009

Normally on a Sunday I sit down and solve your little problems.

But why should I?

Here I am handing out valuable advice to you ingrates without so much as a thanks.

I don’t give a flying fuck about your problems, just as you don’t care about mine.

I’m going out today to do something useful, for the benefit of mankind as a whole.

I’m going to run a few cyclists into the ditch.

From the problem mailbag

Grandad May 31st, 2009

We have a problem from a little pervert this morning, who wishes to remain anonymous.  Frankly, I would wish to remain anonymous too.

I got a call from the bank today that told me my credit card had been
used illegally by some “less than reputable websites”.
I was shocked to hear this, but relieved that the bank had at least
caught this problem and had put a hold on all transactions until they
had sorted it out.

That’s all good news.

Here’s the bad news.

The site that was “less than reputable” was actually one of my
favourite lesbian equestrian specialty sites and now my subscription
has been cancelled due to my credit card being denied.

Who do I fess up to, the bank or the lovely people at saddleup.net?

Dear Sheepshagger,

First of all, I would like to sympathise with your problem. The illegal use of credit cards is a major problem on the Interweb, as I have found to my cost. Many of my cards have been stopped in the past, which is very inconvenient as it necessitates inventing stealing cloning borrowing new ones all the time.

With regard to that web site you mention, I am surprised that you dare mention it by name.  It is a filthy perverted site, which displays the most revolting videos [My favourite is ‘Suzy mounts the Stallion’. What’s yours?].

I can imagine your embarrassment at having to contact the bank or site, so I would suggest you do neither.  I am generous to a fault, and am prepared to let you use my subscription if you wish?

I hope that will solve your problem, Maxi?

Grandad

Grandad replies

Grandad May 17th, 2009

It has been a while since I did one of these pages, but I have had other things on my mind.

I have, however had an anguished plea from a reader that is quite topical and may be of help to the rest of you.

This poor reader is driven demented by canvassers and wants to know what to do about them

I have a wee problem with people knocking on my door asking me to
vote for them.  Now I have been burned in the past with certain people
from certain parties promising me everything.

Dear Demented,

The problem with this problem is that there are so many solutions.

You could take the rather drastic step of moving house, and going to live on some island which is inaccessible, but that may not be to everyone’s taste.

One golden rule is to never ever get into a discussion with them on politics or policies.  They will have all their lies well rehearsed, and will only confuse you.  You cannot believe a single thing they say apart from the one thing – they want your vote.

Tactics which I have used in the past, which I have found very effective are as follows.

  • When they ask if they can count on my vote, I tell them that I expect to be in prison at the time of the election, doing life for murder.  I then whip out a carving knife.  That is quite effective.
  • When they ask for my number one, I piss on them, and ask them if they want my number two as well.
  • When they ask for my support, I burst into hysterical laughter and tell them that’s the best joke I have heard all year.  That usually demoralises them enough to leave me alone.
  • I tell them they have the wrong address.  For some reason, that always confuses them.

If all else fails, I shoot them.

I hope that is of some little help?

Grandad

Ask Grandad – The next lot

Grandad April 5th, 2009

Career Choice

I have worked in the IT industry for a number of years as a contract systems administrator. Most of my contracts have been with Government Departments/ State Agencies. During the last ten years I have hugely benefitted from the Celtic tiger as I have been severely overpaid and seriously underworked.

Given the current state of the Public Coffers and the impending Budget of Doom it’s looking more likely that this line of work is just about to dry up.

Can you recommend another line of work that I can get into, one in which I am paid vast sums of money for doing fuck all so that I can keep feeding my ever growing cocaine and hooker habit?

Yours Snort-Shaggingly,

Jack.

Dear Jack,

The position of Minister for Communications, Energy and Natural Resources shall be available shortly.

I think that fulfils all your criteria?

Grandad.

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This next reader wishes to remain anonymous which under the circumstances, I am not surprised.

Small Knob

I have a small knob. I wonder does size really matter or do people just try to make themselves feel better?

If I had a bigger one, would it help to open doors for me or should I just stick with the handle I have?

Confused from Cavan

Dear Maxi,

There are quite a few people in this world with small knobs, and I wouldn’t worry about it too much.  Size is not normally an issue, as the most important quality is grip.  If you have a small knob, and your hands are sweaty, you may find that you need to grip a little harder.  In extreme cases, it may be necessary to roughen the surface of your knob a bit by rubbing it with coarse sandpaper.

Should your knob become damaged in any way, then I think the best recourse would be to remove it altogether.  Maybe you could consider opening up your passageway to allow complete freedom of entry?

Grandad

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Do you have a problem you couldn’t share with a priest/doctor/counsellor and would like honest and profoundly useful advice? Just Ask Grandad.

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