Head Rambles

Grandad January 11th, 2011

Hello America!

I have a question for you.

For some time now, I have been puzzled over something and maybe you can clear things up a bit for me?

What in the name of blue blind fuck to you see in Sarah Palin?   How come she is still floating around the country when she should be in a maximum security home for the bewildered?

Maybe it takes someone from beyond your shores to point this out to you, but she is weapons grade insane.  She is several sandwiches short of a picnic.  The lift very definitely does not go to the top floor.  She is loopers, barking or any other term of endearment that applies, yet people still support her.  Why?

I suppose I shouldn’t be too harsh on you, because we have our own mini-Palin here in Ireland.  She is an utter dimwit that has somehow slotted herself into the position of Second In Command.  I swear the only reason our Glorious Leader hasn’t been assassinated by now is that everyone is terrified at the prospect of Mary “Palin” Coughlan being in charge.

Your Palin really takes the biscuit though.  She starts up this Tea Party effort and people support her.  Why?  What the fuck is that all about?  She is starting a new movement on the basis that she has 2,000,000 ‘likes’ in Facebook?  Does that not say something about her?  Do you realise that if she ever got into the White House, she is likely to start a war on the basis of the number of followers she has in Twitter?

I will grant you that she is easy on the eye, and if push came to shove then yes, I probably would, but I would hate myself afterwards.  But is that reason enough to keep voting her in?  I suppose some of you will claim that she is the lesser of two evils, but is she?  You may not agree with Obama, but at least he sounds like he knows what he is talking about. At least he doesn’t go around painting cross-hairs on maps.  At least he isn’t encouraging everyone to take up arms.

I will say one thing.

If she ever does get elected to the White House, I’ll be damned glad of the Atlantic.

I just hope it’s wide enough.

• America
• Comments(31)

Grandad December 17th, 2010

A guest post by Willie.

-oOo-

Time has come to celebrate the annual Boston Tea Party!  It has been going on since 1777 when the upstanding citizens of Boston decided to fling perfectly good tea in the Boston Harbor.  This mild reaction to the Tea Tax seemed to piss off the Good King George and his buddies at the East India Tea Company.  Afterward all, who were these piss ants, anyway?  Can’t an honest, humble monopoly make a few hard earned bucks on on a bunch of nincompoops?  After all, taxes to help the rich out with their lifestyles doesn’t seem to be too asking much?  Those lowly colonial types just had no sense of humor.

In the short years since the First Birthday Party, there seems to be a fairly rocky relationship between the various Kings and Queens of England and the trappers, hunters, merchants, and farmers of the Colonies.  To call it a love/hate relationship would be mild indeed. The two sides have both fought wars against each other and fought wars on the same side.  Currently, there seems to be a Mexican stand-off, so to speak.

Taking a quantum leap to 2009, the New Tea Party was born in reaction to being TAXED ENOUGH ALREADY!  It seems that these good citizens also have a gripe with the way they were being taxed, or so they claimed.  Their hard-earned tax dollars were going to bail out banks, car companies, insurance giants, and whoever else could whine enough.  They have a decent point except they failed to see that the mess which caused the hemorrhaging of bucks faster than one could say “BAILOUT” was caused and created by the reckless and unchecked spending of the 8 year reign of King George W. Bush and his War of Terror.  The more recent Tea Party found a real voting crowd and manage to throw a flock of folks into the water.  History does repeat itself, sometimes.

Here is the biggest news yet.  Just three days ago, a new political party was hatched.  It’s the “NoLables” Party.  This group lays claim to the middle ground and wants no designation that it is Republican, Democrat, Independent, or Whatever.  It says it is sick and tired of the extreme political stances, claims, counterclaims, charges and bull shit that is flying back and forth.  It even launched a website which is very much needed in today’s rough and tumble world of 21st Century politics.

They do make some decent points.  But how can I call myself a “NoLabel’ when a chap asks me what am I politically?  What the hell does it mean, “NoLabel”?  It is somewhat like asking, “You know the sound of two hands clapping.  What is the sound of one hand clapping?”   I was going to the County Clerk’s office today to register as a “NoLabels” type, but I have a better idea.

I am, here and now, announcing my own political party.  (drum roll)   It is  SEA-Screwed Enough Already!  I expect millions to join me right after GD approves and publishes this announcement in his blog.  Feel free to ask about my platform via comments.    Some will whisper the dreaded word, “anarchy”.

Willie

BAIL’EM OUT!!! ???? Hell, back in 1990, the Government seized the Mustang Ranch brothel in Nevada  for tax evasion and, as required by law, tried to run it.. They failed and it closed.. Now, we are trusting the economy of our country, our banking system, our auto industry and possibly our health plans to the same nit-wits who couldn’t make money running a whore house and selling whiskey?!”

“What the Hell are we thinking?”

• America , Guest spot
• Comments(5)

Grandad October 20th, 2010

Four years ago, I wrote a wee article.

It was a simple pub survival guide, and it became the most popular thing I ever wrote. To date, it has been read by over 75,000 people. I thought it was time to revisit the subject with a drop of illustration.

For some strange reason, people [mostly Americans] haven’t a fucking clue how to order a simple pint of Guinness. You would think it would be a straightforward process, but no.. they still fuck it up which not only means they get a shit pint, but they really piss off the barman in the process.

OK. This is the moment you have been waiting for. After waiting for fifteen minutes in the otherwise empty pub, you have finally managed to catch the barman’s eye. You are obviously a tourist, so it is tradition that you be kept waiting. However you have now ordered your first pint, and the barman starts to pour.

You have now reached your first hurdle. This is NOT a pint of Guinness. It is a partially pulled pint of Guinness. Any fuckwit who grabs it at this stage will be really lucky if they live, as barmen DO NOT like the glass to be touched. A lot of barmen keep their weapons of choice for this moment. Make a wrong move and you could be at the receiving end of a baseball bat.

Just be fucking patient and wait. If the barman wanders off, he hasn’t forgotten you – he is just waiting for the next phase.

Eventually the barman will return. Make any sort of comment about being kept waiting and the chances are you will get shot. You have waited a lifetime for this pint, and another few minutes aren’t going to make any difference. The barman now tops off the pint and will place it back on the counter. This is usually the time you offer to pay.

Right. You have paid for your pint and there it is. A full pint glass of frothing liquid. What do you do next?

No. You don’t fucking drink it. You can now remove it to wherever you want to drink it, be it at the bar or at a table, but YOU DO NOT DRINK IT. This is the moment to savour the anticipation. You may carry on a conversation, have a cigarette or just sit and watch, but it does not go near your mouth. Yet.

Right. This is the moment you have been waiting for. Note the crisp black and white? That means the pint has settled. You can now drink and enjoy.

It’s all quite simple really. Even an American should be able to understand that? I doubt it though.

-oOo-

I would like to say at tis point that no animals were harmed during the filming. I would like to thank Mash [so called because he distills the best Poiteen in the village] for his patience.

In order to bring you the best photographs, we had to do about eight takes.

Then of course I had to drink the props.

It’s a tough job, but someone has to do it.

• America , Around the village , Tourists
• Comments(23)

Grandad October 14th, 2010

A very simple question.

What is the difference between these two pictures?

The difference is six months!

That is a burger and chips that has been left on a shelf for 171 days.

Is there not something strange about that? Where is the mould? If I leave a loaf of bread lying around for a couple of days, it soon grows a grand crop of penicillin. After a couple of weeks, I would imagine the loaf would rival the Botanic Gardens.

I came across this at some stage in my Interweb meanderings. Apparently an artist decided to do a stop action series of photographs to show a meal decaying. The only problem was that the fucking thing didn’t!

I have never liked McDonalds. They are noisy uncomfortable places and their "food" is crap. How anyone can consider a trip to McDonalds as a "treat" beats me. It’s my idea of hell. Their blatantly artificial cheery happy atmosphere makes me want to puke. Their produce doesn’t do much for my stomach either.

They advertise their shit as being "healthy".

Those photographs would tend to argue otherwise?

• America , Health , Rambles
• Comments(15)

Grandad October 13th, 2010

I am not one for conspiracy theories.

I couldn’t give a shite whether Armstrong walked on the moon or on a stage set.

I couldn’t give a fuck if Elvis is living in a tent in the Gobi Desert, just so long as he isn’t singing any more. I fucking hate Elvis.

I must confess though that I have always had a few questions about the World Trade Centre business.

There are niggling little things that just won’t go away.

How come, when Bush was told that an aircraft had flown into the WTC, he just shrugged and carried on listening to a children’s story? Any halfwit would know there was something serious going on and would have excused himself from the proceedings, but not our George. He just carried onj as if nothing had happened.

OK, so Bush was a idiot so maybe that was just another of his incredibly bad judgment calls? But there is one aspect of the whole affair to which I have never found a satisfactory answer – how come all the buildings fell so neatly? I know a bit about civil engineering, as it is in the family blood, so to speak. For example, I know that one of the greatest problems any demolition expert has is to get a building to collapse in on itself. It takes precision placement of explosives and the timing has to be just right. If there is any error at all, the chances are that the building will fall sideways instead of vertically. Yet in New York several buildings fell, all very nicely in a heap without very much damage to adjoining buildings. Also I find it strange that both towers collapsed. The chances of both planes hitting their respective buildings in precisely the same circumstances are a statistical impossibility [almost] yet both towers collapsed in precisely the same fashion. If one tower had survived or if they had collapsed in different ways, maybe I wouldn’t be so unsure, but for both collapses to be virtually identical is hard to swallow.

There are many other questions I have about the whole business, but I just put it down to maybe not knowing the full facts, or something.

I dismissed the whole conspiracy theory and filed it away next to the John F Kennedy file.

Yesterday I came across a video on Captain Ranty’s site. I dismissed it as yet another crackpot theory, but then I watched it.

More fucking unanswered questions to add to the stockpile.

There are times when it is very hard not to believe in conspiracies.

Damn!

• America
• Comments(23)