Archive for the 'Around the garden' Category

Saturday afternoon

October 17th, 2009

“Would yiz ever go and remove that ivy from the end wall” says Herself.

“Nah,” says I. “It’s holding the wall up.”

“Don’t be smart,” says Herself.  “It looks terrible.  Go out and remove it.”

I did.

Now I have to rebuild the end wall.

*sigh*

My dog’s hole goes electric

July 13th, 2009

I suppose some of you live in apartments, in which case it is unlikely you would have my problem.

Others of you live in the suburbs where you are unaware of my difficulties.

You see, I live in the country and, while that is the only place I would wish to live, it does have one or two minor drawbacks.

My problem is my boundary.

Unlike apartments [which don’t have acres of land] or the suburbs [where most gardens have straight walls or fences] my boundary consists of fencing, trees, shrubs and in some areas, stretches of land that would be the envy of any wilderness trekker.

The problem with this kind of boundary is that it is damned difficult to make dog-proof.

Our Sandy is the most intelligent animal I have ever encountered, but her intelligence has its Achilles’ Heel.  She is fucking stupid when it comes to traffic.

She is fine when she is behind the wheel of a car, but once she sets her paws on the road she loses all sense of self preservation.  I have seen her in the past, walking merrily along the middle of the road, while cars zap past her on both sides.  I have seen her casually step out in front of cars, which luckily have stopped in time.  As a pedestrian, she is an idiot.

So I have to do my damndest to keep her from getting onto the road.  She keeps making holes in the fencing, and I have to keep searching for them and blocking them.  What is amazing is that some of those holes are very small, and the only proof I have that it is her escape route is the lining of fur around the edge.

Building a fence through the middle of a bramble hedge isn’t easy.  In fact, it is fucking painful, as the tears and scratches on my arms will testify.

Sadly, it has become a game for her.  Occasionally she will get out, and I will panic.  I rush out to call her back in, and there she is, sitting outside the gate with a big “Hah!!  Fooled you again” grin on her face.

I have tried everything else.  I have tried tying her up when she is outside, but the just puts on a miserable face, and I feel like a right bastard.

For the last few days, I have been letting her out and then standing watching her.  She is very fucking cute, and won’t try to get out if I’m watching, as that would give the location of her route away.  But I can’t spend my life standing looking out a window waiting for a dog to piss or dump.  And anyway, she won’t dump if anyone is watching so the exercise is self defeating.  She is very modest, is our Sandy.

I am going to try a new technique.

I have heard of these electronic fences, and they are supposed to work.

You string a length of wire along the boundary, and attach it to a transmitter.  The dog wears a collar, and when she gets within range of the wire, the collar gives a warning beep.

If she ignores the beep and gets closer to the wire, the collar zaps about 5,000 volts through her which should be enough to deter anyone from crossing the line.

I am collecting it tomorrow.

I hope it works.

If it does, I’m getting a collar for Herself too.

Closed for business

June 27th, 2009

If you lot think I am going to sit around messing with computers on a lovely day like today, you can think again.

This is a day for the Great Outdoors.

Maybe a game of golf?

I just don’t feel like dishing out the shit today.

A nice round.

The newest antiquity in town

June 1st, 2009

I have been invaded again.

Sometime on Saturday night some Bronze Age Tinkers broke into my lands and built this:

dolmen

Now what in the name of Jayzus do I want with a portal dolmen?

I tried to get rid of it but the fucking think weighs a ton and is much too heavy for me to move.  TAT and our K8 called around yesterday for a barbeque and the three of us tried to shift it, but we couldn’t budge it an inch.

I phoned the National Museum this morning to see if they wanted to come and take it away, but they said they had enough already.  They suggested that I apply for a grant to convert it into a tourist attraction, but I pointed out to them that it was my mission in life to rid the country of tourists, not attract more of the buggers.  Mind you, free money sounds nice, so I may apply yet, and then surround it with minefields?

I am baffled though as to how those Megalithic vandals built it.  There are no tyre marks on the lawn, so they couldn’t have used a JCB, and anyway we all know that Bronze Age people weren’t very good with machinery.

Herself has taken quite a fancy to it.

She now reckons she wants to be cremated and her ashes buried under it.  That is fine by me, and I suggested that as we had the barbeque going, we might as well do it there and then.  She changed her mind unfortunately.

So now I am lumbered with a pile of rocks on my land.  It’s a right curse.  I am going to have to mow around it somehow.

I suppose though it is quite something to be the owner of the world’s newest four thousand year old antiquity?

I wonder if the Guinness Book of Records would be interested?

Head Rambles antiquities

March 15th, 2009

Head Rambles Manor is quite an old place.

It was built the best part of two hundred years ago, and was built in the traditional style.  None of your concrete block or timber frame shit here – the house is constructed out of granite boulders.

The builders, or whatever they were, are gone now and the work is complete apart from a bit of decoration but I’ll tell you about that another day.

The place is just about back to normal, apart from some flood damage, a collapsed ceiling and the fact that we can’t use the jax or use electricity any more. 

One aspect of the building has left me with a bit of a problem though.  In the course of their shenanigans, they removed some of the original wall, and we now have these massive boulders lying around the place.

One of the boulders has caught my eye.  It’s a huge rectangular slab of granite, which I think originally took the load from the roof, which explains why the slates are starting to slide down.  It occurred to me that this slab would make a very attractive seat in the garden.  I thought it would look nice with a boulder under each end to raise it, and with a bit of luck it could be mistaken for a Portal Dolmen which would mean we would be entitled to all sorts of grants from the National Museum.

dolmen

My problem is how to shift it.  The fucking thing must weigh nearly half a ton, and I don’t think Herself is up to carrying that kind of weight on her back.  I am a very considerate husband and would never ask her to carry anything that a JCB might have trouble with.

I have to move it about a hundred yards.  I thought of dragging it, but that would chew up what’s left of the lawn.  I can’t roll it because it isn’t round.  I can’t carry it.  I’m stumped.

Were is Iron Age Man when you really need him?

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