Archive for the 'Around the house' Category

Pornographic videos

November 10th, 2011

They say the Interweb is your friend.

If you have a query about any subject on earth, that you will find the answer on the Interweb.

Not so.

I mentioned before how our dog has developed a rather unsavoury habit of plunging her head down between her hind legs and then making a loud series of gulping sloshing noises.  To say it is a tad nauseating is to put it politely, particularly as she loves doing it at mealtimes.

Last night I thought I would try to find a solution to this little problem so I did a little search on Google.

I used the words “dog licking”.

All I got was a massive list of sites telling me all I wanted to know about dogs licking their paws.

Not much use.

I decided to be a little more specific. 

I tried “dog licking fanny”.

For some reason, presumably only known to Google, it assumed I wanted “dog licking pussy”.

……

……

FUCK!!!!

That is fucking DISGUSTING!

I didn’t know that kind of thing was allowed on the Interweb.

I really feel quite ill.

I suppose I’ll just have to bring her to the vet instead.

Bring back the quill

October 21st, 2011

There are times when technology really pisses me off.

Last night I found a document on the Interweb that I wanted to print off.  No problem, you say.  Fucking wrong, I say.

The Other Fella reinstalled this Linux thing the other day, and the twat forgot to connect to the printer.  I have picked up a couple of tips over the years so I decided to connect to the printer myself.

Fucking laptop couldn’t find the fucking printer.

I went to the room where the printer is and checked it.  It was switched on all right but the settings were all wrong.  I pulled up a chair and typed in the settings.  Of course, being modern technology they make that as difficult as possible.  It has a sort of mobile phone keyboard so typing any text means endless tapping of keys.  And of course as I cycled through the letters, it always went too fast and I would miss the letter I wanted and would have to start again.

I could not get the fucking thing to work.  After a couple of hours I gave up.

This morning I gritted my teeth and asked the Other Fella for a drop of help.  The wanker got the fucking printer connected in one minute flat.  I hate that!  He checked and the laptop can see the printer and its status is fine.

He fucked off to the shops, and I settled into printing my document.

The fucking yoke still doesn’t work.

It can tell me all I want to know about the printer, even down to the levels of ink in it.  But will it print my document?  Hah!

I’ll just have to wait ‘til Yer Man gets back.  Doubtless he’ll press one button and everything will work properly.

There are times when technology really pisses me off.

The ultimate source of power

October 19th, 2011

I am only kicking myself.

The electrical fella arrived at nine this morning.  Why the fuck he started at such an ungodly hour is anyone’s guess.  I mean, who the hell is up at that hour?

Luckily I managed to boil a kettle before he plunged the Manor into a state of powerlessness.

I sat there all morning, contemplating my navel, sipping an ever colder mug of tea and wondering what the hell I had done to deserve this.

Then I had my little ‘light bulb over the head’ moment.

Or rather, I didn’t as there was no power for the light bulb.

Let’s just say I had one of my great and famous inspirations.

I remembered that the neighbours are away.

I nipped into their boiler house and sure enough, it is fully wired.  They had even left me a spare socket, so out came the extension reel and the job is oxo.  I am now sitting pretty with full Interweb access and the kettle is merrily boiling away.

I’m not sure when the neighbours are due back so just in case, I’ll do a better job of concealing the cables tonight and also tap neatly into the circuit so they won’t accidentally remove my power.  I know they would hate to see me discommoded.

I’m just kicking myself that I didn’t think of this earlier.

I can sack the electrical bloke now.  My fuse problem is sorted.

I hope the neighbour’s fuses are OK though.

An abuse of power

October 18th, 2011

We had one of those electrical fellas around yesterday.

I mentioned before how we had been having a little problem with fuses blowing all over the shop, so I thought it was time to let someone else have a look at the wiring.

When I first helped wire this house back in the 60s, life was relatively simple.  All you needed beside a bed was a single socket for a bedside lamp, as alarm clocks were all clockwork.  Now you need a fucking power station beside each bed to power the bedside lamp, the alarm clock, the vibrator mobile phone charger and fifty other fucking annoying things.  And that is a simple example.  My little office needs about five hundred sockets for all the shit that goes on in there such as printers, broadband, phone, ‘puter, radio and a moxy load of other yokes.

You get the drift?

Over the years I have had to adapt the house wiring slightly.

The bloke yesterday had a look at the wiring and immediately told us to move out of the house.  He claimed that The Manor is in imminent danger of bursting into flames.  Personally I think he has just been following the  Priory Hall story a bit too closely.  Fucking drama queen!

Anyhows, I asked him what the panic was and he pointed at one of my extensions and screamed something about bell-wire not being suitable for power.  I pointed out that it provided a nice bit of background heat whenever something was plugged in.  He wasn’t impressed.  I don’t know why as surely wall heating is better than under-floor heating as the cables don’t get walked on?

He carried on around the house muttering to himself about amateurs, which was a bit fucking rude.  I pointed out to him that I had probably forgotten more about electricity than he had ever learned.  He replied that that was probably part of the problem.  Cheeky fucker.

He reckons there is a lot of work to be done, and this means that I will probably have no electrification for the next while.  Bang goes my broadband and my cuppa tea.

Personally I think it would be a lot simpler just to bypass the fuse board.

Losing a tock

October 12th, 2011

Many years ago I bought a clock.

It one of those wall hanging clocks that I believe is called a short case clock, or a granddaughter clock.

Short case clock

I bought it for three reasons -I liked the look of it, I needed a clock for the sitting room and I was pissed at the time.

One of the unusual things about the clock is that it is driven by clockwork.  Ne’er a battery or chip to be seen anywhere.  All it requires is the occasional wind and off it goes.

All these years it has been hanging on the sitting room wall, gently tick-tocking away and telling the time with a remarkable degree of accuracy.  Of course it stops occasionally as I sometimes forget to wind it, but that is all part of its charm.

When we came back from the wee trip to France last month, I noticed that it had stopped.  That was no problem – I wound it up, gave the pendulum a belt and left it.  Some hours later I discovered it had stopped again.

Bugger!

When I was a nipper there were loads of shops that could fix a clock or a watch.  Virtually every jeweller had a bloke employed purely to fix anything clockwork.  In fact I have strong memories of a clock shop in Johnston’s Court off Grafton street.  It was a haven for horologists, with wall lined with clocks all ticking quietly away and chiming in unison.  I loved visiting that shop, preferably just before ten or eleven in the morning or at midday.

Nowadays of course everything is driven by batteries, and the art of fixing a clockwork mechanism is virtually dead.  If I lugged our clock into the local jeweller they would laugh at me and tell me to buy a new one.  No fucking way!

Yesterday I brought the clock to the kitchen table and dismantled it.  In no time the table top was covered in clock parts, screws too small for the naked eye, springs and dozens of little brass cogs.  It was a beauteous sight to behold!

I cleaned and oiled everything and set about reassembling it.  I actually achieved that without a single screw left over which is a miracle in itself.

The clock still wouldn’t work.

I dismantled it again and delved even further into its guts.

In the end, I got tired of it, so I reassembled it again and hung it on the kitchen wall, with every intention of working at it again today.

No need.

Since I hung it, it has been telling perfect time and chiming merrily on the hour and half hour.

I did notice there was one problem though.

The last time I assembled it, there wasn’t a single extra screw.  Every piece had been put back in place.  But somehow I had lost a vital piece of the clock.  I have searched everywhere for it but it is definitely missing.  Maybe the dog ate it?  Maybe herself chucked it in the bin?  I don’t know, but I can’t find it anywhere.

Somehow, I have managed to lose its gentle tick-tock sound.

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