Archive for the 'Around the house' Category

Wireless wireless

December 20th, 2011

There was a bloke selling radios down in the pub the other night.

They were dirt cheap as apparently they were from a fire-damage sale.  I pointed out that they were in perfect condition and the bloke said that that was because it was actually a pre-fire sale.  Fair enough.  There are a lot of those sales these days.  I bought one.

Herself likes to listen to the radio so I thought it would make a great Christmas present for her.

On Sunday I thought I would try it out.

The first thing I discovered was that it isn’t a normal radio.  It’s one of those interweb thingies that gets its signal from the little box in the back room.  I also discovered that it needed batteries.  I mentioned that last bit in my scribble and some of you seem to gave misunderstood what I wanted the batteries for?

Leastwise I got it going eventually.

Once it was lit up and rearing to go, I discovered that there is a bewildering selection of stations to choose from.  I tried a station in Auckland first.  The quality of the signal was perfect but they kept on about the temperature being twenty something degrees and how I should get my barbie supplies in before Christmas.  Fuck that!

The next station that I picked at random was in Vermont in the states.  Some bloke there was playing some really ancient stuff, and it brought back great memories of the sixties and seventies.  When the DJ started raving on about the Monkees that I realised that he wasn’t playing a “golden oldies” but was into Vermont’s top twenty.  They seem to be a little behind the times there?

This morning Herself was out somewhere so I thought I would try it out in the shed.

The fucking thing won’t work there as my interweb doesn’t stretch that far.

Bollox!

Now I have to try to work out how to get the signal down there.

Life can be bloody complicated sometimes.

Pornographic videos

November 10th, 2011

They say the Interweb is your friend.

If you have a query about any subject on earth, that you will find the answer on the Interweb.

Not so.

I mentioned before how our dog has developed a rather unsavoury habit of plunging her head down between her hind legs and then making a loud series of gulping sloshing noises.  To say it is a tad nauseating is to put it politely, particularly as she loves doing it at mealtimes.

Last night I thought I would try to find a solution to this little problem so I did a little search on Google.

I used the words “dog licking”.

All I got was a massive list of sites telling me all I wanted to know about dogs licking their paws.

Not much use.

I decided to be a little more specific. 

I tried “dog licking fanny”.

For some reason, presumably only known to Google, it assumed I wanted “dog licking pussy”.

……

……

FUCK!!!!

That is fucking DISGUSTING!

I didn’t know that kind of thing was allowed on the Interweb.

I really feel quite ill.

I suppose I’ll just have to bring her to the vet instead.

Bring back the quill

October 21st, 2011

There are times when technology really pisses me off.

Last night I found a document on the Interweb that I wanted to print off.  No problem, you say.  Fucking wrong, I say.

The Other Fella reinstalled this Linux thing the other day, and the twat forgot to connect to the printer.  I have picked up a couple of tips over the years so I decided to connect to the printer myself.

Fucking laptop couldn’t find the fucking printer.

I went to the room where the printer is and checked it.  It was switched on all right but the settings were all wrong.  I pulled up a chair and typed in the settings.  Of course, being modern technology they make that as difficult as possible.  It has a sort of mobile phone keyboard so typing any text means endless tapping of keys.  And of course as I cycled through the letters, it always went too fast and I would miss the letter I wanted and would have to start again.

I could not get the fucking thing to work.  After a couple of hours I gave up.

This morning I gritted my teeth and asked the Other Fella for a drop of help.  The wanker got the fucking printer connected in one minute flat.  I hate that!  He checked and the laptop can see the printer and its status is fine.

He fucked off to the shops, and I settled into printing my document.

The fucking yoke still doesn’t work.

It can tell me all I want to know about the printer, even down to the levels of ink in it.  But will it print my document?  Hah!

I’ll just have to wait ‘til Yer Man gets back.  Doubtless he’ll press one button and everything will work properly.

There are times when technology really pisses me off.

The ultimate source of power

October 19th, 2011

I am only kicking myself.

The electrical fella arrived at nine this morning.  Why the fuck he started at such an ungodly hour is anyone’s guess.  I mean, who the hell is up at that hour?

Luckily I managed to boil a kettle before he plunged the Manor into a state of powerlessness.

I sat there all morning, contemplating my navel, sipping an ever colder mug of tea and wondering what the hell I had done to deserve this.

Then I had my little ‘light bulb over the head’ moment.

Or rather, I didn’t as there was no power for the light bulb.

Let’s just say I had one of my great and famous inspirations.

I remembered that the neighbours are away.

I nipped into their boiler house and sure enough, it is fully wired.  They had even left me a spare socket, so out came the extension reel and the job is oxo.  I am now sitting pretty with full Interweb access and the kettle is merrily boiling away.

I’m not sure when the neighbours are due back so just in case, I’ll do a better job of concealing the cables tonight and also tap neatly into the circuit so they won’t accidentally remove my power.  I know they would hate to see me discommoded.

I’m just kicking myself that I didn’t think of this earlier.

I can sack the electrical bloke now.  My fuse problem is sorted.

I hope the neighbour’s fuses are OK though.

An abuse of power

October 18th, 2011

We had one of those electrical fellas around yesterday.

I mentioned before how we had been having a little problem with fuses blowing all over the shop, so I thought it was time to let someone else have a look at the wiring.

When I first helped wire this house back in the 60s, life was relatively simple.  All you needed beside a bed was a single socket for a bedside lamp, as alarm clocks were all clockwork.  Now you need a fucking power station beside each bed to power the bedside lamp, the alarm clock, the vibrator mobile phone charger and fifty other fucking annoying things.  And that is a simple example.  My little office needs about five hundred sockets for all the shit that goes on in there such as printers, broadband, phone, ‘puter, radio and a moxy load of other yokes.

You get the drift?

Over the years I have had to adapt the house wiring slightly.

The bloke yesterday had a look at the wiring and immediately told us to move out of the house.  He claimed that The Manor is in imminent danger of bursting into flames.  Personally I think he has just been following the  Priory Hall story a bit too closely.  Fucking drama queen!

Anyhows, I asked him what the panic was and he pointed at one of my extensions and screamed something about bell-wire not being suitable for power.  I pointed out that it provided a nice bit of background heat whenever something was plugged in.  He wasn’t impressed.  I don’t know why as surely wall heating is better than under-floor heating as the cables don’t get walked on?

He carried on around the house muttering to himself about amateurs, which was a bit fucking rude.  I pointed out to him that I had probably forgotten more about electricity than he had ever learned.  He replied that that was probably part of the problem.  Cheeky fucker.

He reckons there is a lot of work to be done, and this means that I will probably have no electrification for the next while.  Bang goes my broadband and my cuppa tea.

Personally I think it would be a lot simpler just to bypass the fuse board.

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