Archive for the 'computers' Category

Old dogs and new tricks

November 27th, 2011

I see myself as a fairly ordinary bloke.

I muddle along through life, doing the best I can and occasionally jotting my thoughts down here.  I don’t see anything extraordinary in that?

But then I come across something like this –

GET YOUR FOLKS ONLINE

Are your folks missing out because they’re not online?
Have you ever tried to help?
We know how difficult it can be!

Aha!  So that’s where I have been going wrong?  It explains one hell of a lot.  I shouldn’t be messing around here on the Interweb at all.  I have to wait until the daughter shows me how.

I will look forward to that.

So apparently she is going to teach me about “Using the mouse”?  That’s wrong for a start.  I don’t want to use the little fucker – I just want to kill it.  It has been shitting all over the place and resolutely ignoring all the traps.

Then there is “Sending an email”.  Again, that’s wrong.  I want to know how to send thousands of emails with one press of a key.  Those Viagra won’t sell themselves.

And “Shopping online”?   No, no, no!  That won’t do.  I need a course on “Stopping shopping online”.  Maybe then I could teach it to Herself.  Badly needed.  Just ask the poor postman.

Delving onto the site, I found a links page with all the links that any old fart would need.  There is a section there called “Blogs written by Older People”.  That’ll be interesting, I thought.  And what do I find in there?  Me.  Me and Grannymar.  The only two they could find?  And we are not even related?  Fuck!

So I am being held up as a beacon of light to the Old Folk of Ireland?  If that old fart can do it, then anyone can?  Hah!

In the meantime, I had better let the daughter know about this site so she can start teaching me.

Now, if only I knew how to use email………………

Not Safe For Work

November 21st, 2011

I am not a great lover of acronyms.

Some I can tolerate but others really boil my piss.

LOL and OMG are probably the worst and whenever I see them I have to skin a puppy or set a kitten on fire.  I fucking HATE them with a vengeance.  You have been warned.

One that confused me for a while was one I would see before a link to a page, picture or video – NSEW.

What the fuck have the four cardinal points of the compass go to do with anything, except maybe giving directions?  Even then, it is unusual to send someone North and South simultaneously, not to mention East and West. Was the page, picture of video showing someone being quartered?

Some time later I discovered it wasn’t NSEW, but NSFW [or else there were a lot of ham fisted typists around].

Now NSFW is a different kettle of muskrats altogether.  That obviously stands for Not Safe For Work, whatever that means.

This Not Safe For Work thing always puts me in mind of some unfortunate worker whose computer screen is repeated on a massive plasma screen for all the office to see.  He or she also has 300W quadrophonic speakers so that the slightest beep on the computer will make the windows rattle.  It was never like that in my place of work – I could put whatever I liked on my screen [and frequently did] and no one would be any the wiser.

If there is someone out there whose screen is five foot wide for the world to see, then I dedicate this video to you.

Just make sure you give those 300W speakers full welly.

Will I ever learn?

November 20th, 2011

Computer:  Mornin’ Grandad!  Which would you like?  Windows or Linux?

Me: Windows.  I had better make sure it’s still working.

Computer: Are you sure?  You know what Doc said about your blood pressure?

Me: Go on.  Windows.  It can’t be as bad as I remember.

Computer: OK.  You have been warned.  Here goes………..

Two minutes later…

Computer: Please wait while updates are applied.  Don’t switch me off………….

Eight minutes later…

Computer: Password please.

Me: There ya go.

Computer:  Ta.  Hold on………….

Two minutes later…

Me: Can I start now?

Computer:  Hang on.  Just rewriting all the desktop icons.

A minute later…

Me: Now?

Computer: Don’t be so impatient!  I’m downloading the latest virus definitions.

A minute later…

Me: Now?

Computer:  Nearly there.  I have just discovered 47 vital new updates.  Be with you in a minute………..

Nine minutes later…

Computer: You have to reboot me now.

Me: *sigh*  OK.  There you go.

Computer:  Ta.  Just installing new updates.  Be with you in a short moment.

Ten minutes later…

Computer:  I’m ready now.

Me: Fuck that.  Reboot into Linux.

Ninety seconds later…

Computer: Ready when you are……..

Bring back the quill

October 21st, 2011

There are times when technology really pisses me off.

Last night I found a document on the Interweb that I wanted to print off.  No problem, you say.  Fucking wrong, I say.

The Other Fella reinstalled this Linux thing the other day, and the twat forgot to connect to the printer.  I have picked up a couple of tips over the years so I decided to connect to the printer myself.

Fucking laptop couldn’t find the fucking printer.

I went to the room where the printer is and checked it.  It was switched on all right but the settings were all wrong.  I pulled up a chair and typed in the settings.  Of course, being modern technology they make that as difficult as possible.  It has a sort of mobile phone keyboard so typing any text means endless tapping of keys.  And of course as I cycled through the letters, it always went too fast and I would miss the letter I wanted and would have to start again.

I could not get the fucking thing to work.  After a couple of hours I gave up.

This morning I gritted my teeth and asked the Other Fella for a drop of help.  The wanker got the fucking printer connected in one minute flat.  I hate that!  He checked and the laptop can see the printer and its status is fine.

He fucked off to the shops, and I settled into printing my document.

The fucking yoke still doesn’t work.

It can tell me all I want to know about the printer, even down to the levels of ink in it.  But will it print my document?  Hah!

I’ll just have to wait ‘til Yer Man gets back.  Doubtless he’ll press one button and everything will work properly.

There are times when technology really pisses me off.

Plop

October 8th, 2011

There are times when technology really pisses me off.

I was quietly sitting here minding my own business, listening to the radio and half dozing when Plop.

Yes, Plop.

The dreaded sound of a sudden powercut.

When power is restored, there is usually a cacophony of whirrs, clicks and buzzes and all the technology comes back to live, but the act of dying merely produces a Plop.

I checked a few sockets and found that it was only a fuse that had blown. That happens on a regular basis so it’s no worry. I just bunged in a higher rating fuse. I was out of 30s to I whacked in a 60. That’ll teach it.

After all the whirrs, clicks and buzzes ceased I thought I would check the Interweb.

No fucking Interweb!

For some reason, my little wireless thingy with the little aerials has ceased to function. I couldn’t connect.

I tried running a cable to my laptop, but that didn’t work either.

Fuck!

Then I remembered I had an old one lying around. I don’t know where it came from, but it was there being used as a book stand. I’ll let the Other Fella poke around in the dud one. He actually enjoys that sort of shite.

It works. Not very well, but I suppose it’s better than nothing. After all, you lot would have a fit if I didn’t make an appearance.

Fucking technology!

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