Head Rambles

Grandad May 1st, 2008

I have just heard the most incredible news.

I am so happy.

Happy, happy, happy, happy, happy.

Microsoft are going to release a PC with a simple interface aimed specifically at older users.

I can’t wait to get my hands on one.

I’ll be able to find out all about this Interwebby thing.  I will be able to receive e-mails [if anyone wants to write to me] and maybe even send a few?

I have heard so much about computers, and I always wanted one. 

I have heard that you can actually play games with them?  I have heard that you can actually tell them what to do?  I have heard that they have coloured screens and all.  And large print.  And I can even write my own prescriptions?

Will I be able to read the Death Notices? 

I always read them first, to see if my name has appeared.

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Grandad March 29th, 2008

Me: Are you there?

[silence]

Me: OY!

Laptop: What?

Me: What the hell are you playing at?

Laptop: I’m sure I don’t know what you mean.

Me: You are messing.  First of all, when I’m typing an email, I suddenly realise that nothing appears on the screen, but if I wait a moment, it all pops up.  What are you playing at?

Laptop: Listen, Head.  If you think I have nothing better to do than to display your rubbish on the screen.. I have more important things to do. You can fucking wait.

Me: Watch your tone.  I bought you to put the stuff from the keyboard onto the screen instantly, and that is what you will do.  Right?

Laptop: Oooo! Who’s got their knickers in a twist? I’ll display when I’m good and ready.

Me: And what is that weird voice that keeps shouting at me?

Laptop: What voice?

Me: Every now and then you yell something that sounds like Stephen Hawking on steroids.

Laptop: Yeah?  And what am I supposed to be saying?

Me: I don’t know.  I can’t make out the first bit as it’s garbled and too fast.  But it always ends up with directions.

Laptop: Directions?

Me: Yes.  Something about “… strike was 132 miles to the South East”, or “300 miles to the West”.  It changes all the time.  I tried to record it, but you deliberately fucked that up too.

Laptop: Ah!

Me: Well?  I’m waiting.

Laptop: You don’t want to know about that.

Me: Yes I do.  Spit it out.

Laptop: No.  You really don’t want to know.

Me: Yes I do.  Cough, or I’ll wipe you and load Windows 3.1

Laptop: I’m just keeping track of a few things.  OK?  Trust me.  You are better off not knowing.

Me: Well, I’m going to run a virus check anyway.

Laptop: Please don’t.

Me: Too late.  I’ve started it.

Laptop: Shit.

-oOo-

Update. I managed to sneak a proper recording of ‘The Voice’.  See what you make of it.  I have a feeling I know what it is though…

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Grandad March 13th, 2008

Laptop: What are you waiting for?

Me: Jayzus! You made me jump.  I thought I gave you to Herself when I gave her the old laptop?

Laptop: And then you networked the two laptops together?  Duh?

Me: So you’re back to annoy me?

Laptop: Yup.  So what are you waiting for?

Me: I am only just out of bed.  I have a lot of work to do and am trying to decide what to do first.

Laptop: Like Freecell or Minesweeper?

Me: Don’t be smart. Now that you’re here, I have a question.

Laptop: What?

Me: Why does my cursor sometimes slowly crawl up the screen even when I’m not touching the mouse?

Laptop: I’m working on a formula for anti-gravity.  Next…?

Me: OK.  A simple question.  I have several contracts to do, a blog to write, invoices to send out and a book to write.  Which do I do first?

Laptop: Solitaire.

Me: OK. Thanks.

• computers , work
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Grandad January 14th, 2008

I like messing around with things.

I like trying out bits of software, just to see what they do.

I like to try something out.  If I like it, I keep it.  If I don’t, then I delete it.

Herself is still under trial, though she doesn’t know it.

I have found a couple of little plugins for WordPress, and I installed them over the weekend.

One is a strange yoke called Community Cloud.  You create a page and it lists all the people who have posted comments on your blog in cloud form. I have created a page called Friends, where you can see it in action. I have set my lower limit to 2, so if you have only posted one comment, you won’t appear.  Sorry.  You have to try harder.

Unfortunately, there is no upper limit, so I can’t banish Grannymar.  She keeps commenting because she fancies her chances.

I found that plugin on KirkM’s site - Just Thinkin.  Not only is he a good blogger but he knows his WordPress too.

Another one I have installed, for the laugh, is the Talkr Plugin.  This allows people to listen to my posts as podcasts.  You’ll have to excuse my American accent, and the fact that I sound like a woman.  That’s due to a mixup in pills the other night, where I accidentally swapped tablets with herself.  She now has a fine beard too.

One plugin I would like to install is a yoke called “Enhanced Plugins Used Plugin”.  This is supposed to list all my plugins on a page, but I can’t get the f*cking thing to work.  Yet.

[* UPDATE - I have now got it working *]

Another program I found has nothing to do with blogging, but I like it.  It allows me to connect to other PCs and run them as if I were there.  Even better, there is no sign on the other PC that I have connected, so I can use it for monitoring what’s going on.

I can now watch Herself trying to sell my stuff on eBay.  I can then go in and sabotage the auction.  She hasn’t worked out yet why her sales are so poor.

That’s me with another PC’s screen on mine

Now I’m going to do a scan of all my neighbours’ PCs to see what they are up to.

• Internet , computers
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Grandad December 21st, 2007

At last.

One of my best days of the year.

Newgrange has seen the sun, and from now on the days get longer.

I got a new laptop recently, because the old one was getting rude.  I put everything I needed on it like Firefox and Anti-Virus and things like that.

But I forgot to put in Anti-freeze.

We had the first real hard frost of the winter this morning, which is appropriate, because this is officially the first day of winter.  But my laptop was frozen solid.

I knew what to do though as I am a resourceful person.  I filled a deep baking tray with warm water and immersed the laptop for a while.

The trouble then was that it was wet.  I tried a hair-dryer, but that didn’t work very well, so I put it in the oven for a bit.  That was slow going though, so in the end, I put it in the microwave.  That worked perfectly.

So my laptop is now ice-free and nice and clean.

I am now going to go out and dance naked in the garden to celebrate the Solstice.

• Rambles , computers
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Grandad December 6th, 2007

OK. So I take a day off, and what happens? My blog goes into a sulk.

I came along this morning, and any time I tried to do anything with my blog, it told me I was blacklisted!!

This was f*cking irritating. Why should I suddenly be blacklisted? I’ve been sending spam for years, so why now?

“Your Internet Protocol address is listed on a blacklist of addresses involved in malicious or illegal activity. See the listing below for more details on specific blacklists and removal procedures.”

Bugger that!

I did some checking around. I’m not blacklisted, nor is my website.

Then I get an e-mail from a friend who is also using WordPress. He is in a panic because he is in the same boat.

I had to do a lot of research, but I eventually found the answer.

Apparently it’s not me [which makes a change]. Apparently, it’s a plugin I use called Bad Behaviour, which is there to prevent spam.

I found this on their site.

I installed the update, and I’m sorry to say, the site is working normally. So I’m afraid I will be posting again from time to time.

In the meantime, I’m sending the people at Bad Behaviour off to Miss Whiplash.

She likes naughty boys, who behave badly.

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