Archive for the 'computers' Category

Scan my arse

June 23rd, 2011

Herself wanted me to scan a photograph.

No problem, says I.  I have a scanner – it’s one of those yokes that prints and scans and faxes and makes a mug of tea, so it’s a simple matter of firing up the Puter and doing the job.

Oh sweet fuck!

How wrong I was.

For various reasons, I decided to do the job from Windows.  You know Windows?  That all encompassing, Will Do Any Job You Ask Without Any Fuss type Windows?  What a load of steaming shite.

First of all, after it took an age to whinge about updates it announced that there was a new version of my Anti Virus.  I told it to go ahead and fix that.  It did, but then demanded a restart.  Fuck!.

OK, I’m in Windows and my Anti Virus is happily cleaning out all the MRSA and Mad Cow Disease out of my Puter, so I decide to start the scan of the photograph.

It couldn’t see the scanner.

I checked and it can see that there is a printer there, but the fucking thing apparently doesn’t realise it’s a scanner too.  I fired up my browser and started looking for some kind of solution.  There were loads of people with the same sort of problem but they seemed to be all as lost as I was.  No one was giving any hints as to how to fix things.

Bollox!

I decided to download all the drivers for my printer.  That took half and hour.  I then ran the program and it happily announced that yes, I do have a multipurpose whatsit and it was pleased to announce that it would fix all my troubles and woes.  I let it do its thing.  It then asked if the yoke was connected to my Puter or was I using wireless.  It found the fucking thing but wasn’t intelligent enough to know how?  I began to get worried.  I told it to choose wireless anyway.  It hummed and hawed for a while and then told me it couldn’t configure the scanner as it couldn’t find it.  Oh sweet suffering fuck!

I unplugged my laptop and brought it into the room where the printer yokey is.  I connected to it using a cable.  I ran the little configure programme again.  Was I connected by wireless or USB, it wanted to know.  For fuck’s sake!!  Have they never heard of network cables?  Of course, there was no option to select a network.

I brought the Puter back to my comfy chair as I was getting tired of kneeling on the floor [my network cable is a rather short one].  I rebooted the Puter in the hopes that something might have installed correctly.  No.  Same old garbage about no scanners.  It did however tell me that another programme needed updating, and that it would only take another half hour to do that.

I told it to go fuck itself five ways and sideways.

I went into Linux instead.

Within two minutes I had scanned the photograph.  No problems.  No questions.  No updates.  No Virus thingy whinging in the background.

Most businesses insist on using Windows in their offices.

It’s no fucking wonder the world is in a state of chassis.

Downloadophobia Part Deux

June 8th, 2011

There are times when I could cheerfully murder.

I wrote a nice cheerful piece today about Garmin and how they had an update for my SatNav.

I happily wrote about how the wankers in Garmin have never heard of Linux so I had to go into Windows.

I told you all about how fucking slow Windows is.

I gave a sunny account of how it takes around five fucking hours to download a simple update to a SatNav.

I gleefully told you how Windows Live Writer then wouldn’t work as there was an update to that too, and it took ages to download and then the fucking program wouldn’t run.

With a smile on my face, I wrote out a long sunny essay on the above topics.  It was a clever article, full of sharp wit and observations.

When I finished the article, I read it through and then published it.

Only the fucking first fucking line in the whole fucking thing was published and the rest has been fucking erased.

I fucking hate computers.

Fuck!

 

An I for an I

February 22nd, 2011

A while ago I bought myself a new laptop.

I really like it.  It has a large screen, and a lot more memory than I have.  It has loads of storage, and all in all, it’s a nice looking machine.

The one problem is that it has a QWERIY keyboard instead of a QWERTY one.

Ihe keyboard itself is nice.  Most keyboards look like a slab of chocolaie waiting to broken into squares, whereas this one is more like a completed jigsaw, as the keys are almost completely flat.  However, somehow – and I haven’t the faintest idea how – the T key has lost iis crossbar, or whatever you call it and it now looks like an I.

I have been using keyboards for many years, but I never boihered to learn touch iyping.  I therefore rely somewhai on whatever is on the key as guidance.  Now ihat I have two I keys, I can see problems ahead.

I suppose I could iry choosing my words very carefully so they don’i contain a T, but ihat would slow me down a loi.

I suppose I could try painiing a crossbar on the I, but I doubt that would work.

I have a feeling I’ll just have to get used to ii.

-oOo-

Due to unprecedented demand, I am attaching a photograph.

So you don’t believe me, huh?

Making the heart grow fonder

February 7th, 2011

Apparently my little pearls of wisdom are too much for my server.

It crashed.

I have given it a severe kick.

It apologises.

Now it’s in a sulk.

Heh!

Designer bugs

January 12th, 2011

I have a bit of a bug at the moment.

I mention that because it explains one or two things.  I’m not one of those Mammy’s Boys who whinges about Man Flu or anything like that – I prefer to sit quietly and let the bug try its worst while I  do my best to drown it in whiskey. 

Anyhows, I was sitting here yesterday doing my best to ignore the sweats and aches and I started to mess around with the design of the site.  It was just an idle piece of whimsy to pass the time.  I don’t know whether it was the bug or the whiskey, but I got a couple of files mixed up, and the next thing I knew, part of the new design had crept onto the live site.  It was a messy bit of confusion, so rather than try to sort out the mess, I put the whole new design live, even though there were lots of things I hadn’t tweaked to my satisfaction.

Shortly after that, I feel asleep in my armchair.

I woke a lot later to find that the fucking site was broken.  There were all sorts of things that weren’t working, which didn’t put me into the best of form, but I managed to fix them, and then I went to bed.

I was woken at three this afternoon by Naughty Rita [he’s our Meter Man], but that’s neither here nor there.  I switched on the laptop and took a look at the site to decide whether or not to run with the new design.  It wasn’t too much of a shock, so I think I may leave it there for a while.  After all, the old design must be well over four years old.

So what do you think?  Will I get used to it?  Is it an improvement and what else does it need?

I will leave it in your capable hands.

Mind you…  I don’t half miss those tits.

« Prev - Next »