They’re right. Whoever ‘they’ are.

I have a slight hangover.

Yesterday was a little cause for celebration. And for those of you who think I’ve gone all American and am talking about Thanksgiving, I’m not.

-oOo-

I got an email recently.

Its subject line was “Would you be interested in writing a book?”

Very f*cking funny! TAT is in the habit of making hoax phone calls and sending e-mails, and this looked just like one of his. I binned it.

Later, I went back to it, just out of curiosity. I did some checking. It didn’t come from TAT’s mail. So I replied to it and asked what they really wanted.

They wrote back and said they wanted a book. They seemed to be sane. They seemed to be serious. They even had a website, and I had heard of them.

They eventually persuaded me they were serious. They really do want me to write a book. I told them they were mad.

I told them I knew nothing about writing books. They said that it was easy, and that they had read Head Rambles and I could do it. So I told them that that was like saying that I could climb Killiney Hill, therefore I could climb Everest. They told me not to be daft. I threw a hissy fit because everyone one knows that authors are allowed to be temperamental.

So the e-mails started flying backwards and forwards. I began to hear about New Title Meetings and stuff like that. It was all rather surreal.

Then they sent me a contract. It was full of stuff about copyright and circulation rights and film rights. The last bit worried me in case they decided to cast Tom Cruise in the part of Grandad. I couldn’t have that. I hate the little w*nk*r. So I had to insist on a ‘No Tom Cruise’ clause.

Yesterday, I signed the contract.

This means a lot of changes in my life.

I have to start drinking heavily. I have to start calling people ‘Daarling’. I have to adopt an air of mysterious indifference in company. I have to learn to spell. I might even persuade Herself to let me buy a new laptop as this one is getting stroppy.

Of course, the ultimate would be an invite onto the Late Late, where I would insist on calling Kenny ‘Plank’ all the time. But I can’t see that happening.

It’s all a bit weird and mind blowing.

I only have one problem now…….

What the f*ck am I going to write about?

-oOo-

Last night, I went to the Golden Spiders thingy, with K8 the GR8.

First they poured the wine into us, but I’m not really a wine person so I went onto the Guinness [that turned out to be a mistake].

Then K8 and I went out for a smoke and got chatting to a bloke. I told him I knew I’d seen his face somewhere before and asked him who he was. He didn’t seem too pleased with this as he was the host for the night – Jason Byrne. I told him who I was and he then realised he was in the presence of one of The Greats, so all was well.

We found we were sharing a table with Cully of Cully and Sully fame. I had already met Sully, so it was nice to complete the set. And he had brought a bevy of beautiful women, and I had the beautiful K8 with me so we were already attracting a bit of attention.

After dinner, Jason Byrne and Glenda Gilsen came on and they presented the awards.

When they called out Head Rambles for best blog, I must admit I was very surprised, but delighted because I fancied a chance to grope Glenda Gilsen.

So I hopped up on the stage, made an improper suggestion to Glenda and got her phone number. That’s why she is looking so pleased.

Then Cully and Sully won their category, and then they won the Grand Prix.

So our table ended up with three spiders. An arachnophobe’s nightmare.

Our table was mobbed with well wishers and groupies, and Cully bought loads of champagne. People kept asking to see my pipe [?] and everyone wanted to be photographed with three spiders. They tried to interview me for television, but when they asked my opinion of the Golden Spider Awards, I got a fit of the giggles and told them about the Golden Crab Awards. I don’t think they’ll televise that.

Then the ‘entertainment’ came on.

Jayzus!!!!!!

I have heard Concorde take off. The ‘group’ were three times as loud and not as melodic. I was deafened, and all conversation ceased. K8 and I resorted to passing notes.

We went home then, and I had a large whiskey to calm the nerves.

I have to decide today what to do with my spider. Herself doesn’t like spiders, and she won’t have it in the house.

I might plant it in the garden to frighten off stray cats.

And, bless her little cotton socks, she has passed it on to me.

She wants me to write a post that uses every tag. It’s all very well for her – she only has a few. I have loads. The cow!

Now I may be getting old but I find these difficult. I had a hard days blogging yesterday, as I had a good rant on a podcast to America. That was after I did my post on Cully and Sully.

So today I went for a ramble around the garden, trying to think of a topic. No go. There was no inspiration around the house either, and I’m damned if I’m going around the village or around the town for something so trivial.

Back in the 70′s life was a lot simpler. There were no computers or Internet, or even television so there were no memes. I had no irritating daughter in the family either. We found our pleasures in simple things. I remember learning to drive so we could go on holidays touring in the West, with no worries about flying and Global Warming. We had such simple sports as children in times past, like watching spiders spin their webs, and the designs they’d make. We’d go for rambles through the woods and have picnics of tea and spam sandwiches. We were a lot healthier for it.

Nowadays, work is the new religion and people have lost the use of their imagination. People only get worked up over celebrities and smoking out corrupt politicians. They panic over property prices and have lost sight of the soul of life.

No.

I can’t think of anything.

I elect not to do it.

I’m going to file this under Uncatagorised.

Maybe Sixty should have a bash at this?

Or how about Kirk at Just Thinkin’? I haven’t tagged him before.

And it’s a while since I annoyed Grannymar!!

F*cking memes….

Yes. Sully of Cully & Sully fame arrived on my doorstep.

He was in a bit of a state because he knew I had him over a barrel with this Google thingy where I rank higher than they do for searching “Cully and Sully”. He had come to plead with me to be nice to them.

Now, I have watched The Dragon’s Den and I knew how to go about this. I put a big pile of monopoly money on my table and then told him to persuade me with his arguments.

I made him sweat. He stood there stammering about how they had built the company from scratch and how they were dedicated and all that crap. I then said I would let him off the hook for 50% of the company. He pointed out that Cully owned the other 50%. I pointed out that it was a choice between Cully or the company.

We shook hands and signed the contract.

Poor Cully.

He then made a quick call on his mobile. I thought he was phoning Cully to say farewell, but he wasn’t…..

There was a huge noise out the front of the house. I rushed out and found a twelve-wheeler articulated lorry dumping 58 tons of ceramic bowls in my front garden.

Sully said it was part of the penalty of being a shareholder.

I tore up the contract.

They are a pair of devious toe-rags.

But I still like their fish pies.

To do this, I need to scrap all my other work activities. Therefore I need an income.

So what I’m looking for is a sponsor.

No. I don’t want a sponsor for the site [that's too cheap]. What I want is a sponsor for me.

The problem is that a sponsor for the site could have a big advertisement on it, but I’ll be damned if I’m going to walk around with a big advertisement on me. So a little bit of deviousness is called for.

I have chosen my sponsor, though they don’t realise it yet. It won’t cost them any more than €50,000 a year [index linked, of course] so that isn’t a big deal.

I have written a few times in the past about Cully & Sully and their fish pies, and how I’m inundated with their ceramic bowls. It’s payback time.

You see, I now rank as number one in Google in Ireland if you search for them. As a result I get a lot of visitors to my site looking for them. I’m the first port of call, as it were.

So I am in a position where I can do them a lot of good.

I can tell everyone how I virtually live off their pies and how delicious they are. I have also discovered their soups, and there is nothing quite like the Minty Pea Soup. I can sing their praises until the cows come home.

Or

I can tell the world about my weekly dose of salmonella, and how I keep pleading with the grocery store to send me anything but Cully & Sully stuff.

It’s up to Cully and Sully.

Over to you, Lads……….

-oOo-

My blog is worth $66,051.18.
How much is your blog worth?

Hah!

She has doubled our order for Cully & Sully pies.

That means they account for 28.571428571428571428571428571429% of our diet. [I like to be accurate] Well, maybe marginally less because we have a salad with the pies.

I have more or less solved the problem of the spare bowls that this diet produces. I completed the wee house for our dog Sandy. She loves it. It attracts quite a few visitors too………

It’s only when you get close to the dog-house you realise it is made entirely of ceramic bowls.

Cully [or Sully] [or both] [or neither] were supposed to call in to see this magnificent edifice, but they never turned up. In fact, they fecked off to Napal. That annoys me because they were supposed to be giving me a lift to climb Mount Everest. So I suppose that trip is off?

I have started dishing [ha ha] out the rest of the bowls to friends and neighbours. In the beginning they were delighted.

For some reason though, they seem to be out a lot these days.

-aAa-

Find out how to build A Dog House of your own. As a practical endeavor or just a fun project a Dog House is something that your Dog is sure to love. Find out about the supplies needed and other Dog Items you can use to personalize it.

Not content with snowing me under with ceramic bowls, so I can’t even use half the rooms any more, they are now plagiarising my work.

I was browsing their site today in the hope of hacking into it and leaving a rude comment or two, and what do I come across?

This

That is going too far. They give an old address for a post last February, and then quote verbatim the last post I did about them, under the heading of ‘other blogs’. So they are filling their website with my hard work. And not so much as a single fish pie in return. Next thing they’ll be packaging my entire Blog in ceramic bowls and selling it off.

I was going to contact my solicitors and bring them to the European Court of Plagiarising Blogs or something. But I do like their pies so I’ll be lenient.

I have learned a little about search engines in the last few months, and I have found that by writing about Cully and Sully, I am climbing up the search results. Already, I’m only just behind them in Google, and soon I’ll overtake them. Then anyone who searches for them, will find me. And I can write what I like about them.

So they had better be damn nice to me from now on.

Cully & Sully produce prepared meals.

Now this isn’t your ordinary stuff that you get stacked on the supermarket shelves that contain more MSG than BSE. This is your home cooked variety, with no additives or preservatives. And it is lovely. And their reputation is spreading as it deserves to.

Herself and myself have become somewhat addicted to these and they are part of our regular order. But there is a problem.

Their Fish Pie, which is our favourite, comes in a nice little ceramic bowl. None of your plastic or foil rubbish. When we ordered our first ones, we thought this was great – free bowls to make a little set. So we built a little set of spare bowls in case we needed spare soup dishes or something. And then we built a little set to put flower pots in.

But then it began to get ridiculous. Now the dog drinks out of them. We have filled a few with coloured pebbles and use them as door stops. We use them as candle holders. And still the damn pile keeps growing. We have run out of storage spage completely.

In fact I am now having to extend the house to cope with all these bowls. Fortunately it isn’t costing much, as I’m using the bowls as bricks. We are nearly up to roof level at this stage.

I wrote to Cully [or Sully?] and complained. I demanded that the least they could do was to supply us with free Fish Pies for life, in compensation. But then it occurred to me – a lifetimes supply of bowls???

Cully has just replied to the last post I did. He’s a little late but business is good, so he is very busy. I’m glad about that, and I’ll forgive his tardiness.

He says [and I quote]

It’s me, am I to late?

Will I be forgiven if I get some free pies to Grandad?

I am in a quandary. What am I to do? I’m on a pension, so a free pie or two would be nice, but it would mean more bowls!

There again, when the extension is finished, I could always build a four bedroom detached house for Sandy?

I like their name – it’s quirky. But I like their pies better. If you have to buy a ready made pie then they are hard to beat. And I expect them to deliver me a major supply for mentioning that.

There is also a publican down the country [somewhere] who likes them too.

And he is apparently outside the Cully and Sully delivery area.

Our publican friend was desparate for his pies and he had to find a solution. And he did.

Cully and Sully now deliver the pies to the publican’s local Garda station. They bung them in the back of a squad car and deliver them to the pub.

I’m delighted for the publican as he and his customers are getting their pies. I’m delighted for Cully and Sully as they continue to grow in the Irish ready made food market.

But most of all, I’m glad our crime wave is over. The last criminal has been put behind bars. No one else is breaking the law. There is not a single motorist driving recklessly.

I feel sorry for the Gardai as they now have nothing to do.

Except for the Gardai in one station who have found an excellent use for the states resources.

Do you think I’m making this up?