Archive for the 'Election' Category

A floating voter finally sinks

Grandad May 25th, 2007

I was a floating voter up to yesterday.

So I floated down to the polling station to see what would happen.

The place was deserted except for a very bored looking garda and a few people sitting behind boxes. They looked like they were expecting thousands to arrive, and all started fighting to get me over to their table, because I was the only person there. And Herself of course.

Being a very conscientious person, I had recycled my polling card a couple of weeks ago, but that didn’t bother them. I just told them that I was famous and that was good enough.

So I cast my vote and went looking for the Exit Poll that they are always talking about. I found the exit, but no Poles. There were a couple of Lithuanians beating the crap out of each other, so I shot them. There was also a very beautiful blue butterfly on the ground. I carried him to a bush in case someone stepped on him.

I suppose you want to know how I voted?

I’m not in Bertie’s or Harney’s or McDowell’s constituencies so there was nothing I could do about them.

So I crossed the first candidate off the list and printed in Grandad. I gave myself Number One, of course.

Herself did the same. So if noone else turns up, I’m elected.

And the rest?

Well, they are all pretty much the same when the dust settles. I still couldn’t decide. Then it struck me. The perfect vote!

I gave them all my Number Twos.

And the winner is …

Grandad May 18th, 2007

I have been hearing a lot lately about Opinion Poles.

Everyone seems to think they are great.

If the party is looking good in the poles, then “Poles are the voice of the people”. If the party is looking bad then “we don’t pay much attention to the poles. It’s the election that counts”.

In its eternal quest for truth, Head Rambles has decided to do its own pole.

So I headed off. The first pole I came across was a telegraph pole. It was plastered in election posters. Someone had shot Bertie Ahern through both eyes with a .22 [good shooting, by the way!]. It gave him a rather blank and vacant look. Very realistic, I thought.

I headed on, passing many poles and they were all plastered in posters. On one of them, Michael McDowell was hanging upside down. He looks much better that way. You should try it permanently, Michael. Your ratings might go up.

Eventually I ended up in a shopping centre with one of those big department stores.

This is where I found my Pole at last.

“Hello” says I. “Are you a Pole?”

“Cześć” says he.

“OK. You are a Pole, and I want your Opinion”

“Nie rozumiem”

“Who do you think is going to win the election?”

“Kocham Cię” he replied.

This wasn’t getting on as well as I’d hoped.

“Which coalition would you prefer to see in power?”

“Jestem w ciąży. Wyjdziesz za mnie?”

“Who would you like to see as Taoiseach?”

His face lit up. He ran off and came back with a tee shirt with “FCUK” written across the front.

“Which is the best party” says I.

He ran off again, and came back with twenty Silk Cut.

“And which party will support them in government?”

Once again, he disappeared and came back with a bra [I think it was a 40DD]. He thought he was getting the hang of this.

“And the opposition?” says I “Do you think the Greens will be in government or in opposition?”

He looked puzzled for a moment, but then did his vanishing trick again. He came back with a cabbage and a load of green beans.

My carrier bag was getting fairly full at this stage so I thanked him.

“Nie mogę bez Ciebie żyć” he replied.

So there you have it. The official Head Ramble Opinion Pole.

The result?

We are going to have a FCUK as Taoiseach, with a party of fags in power. They will be supported by a bra.

And the Opposition will be a load of vegetables.

-oOo-

P.S. If anyone knows Polish, I’d love to know what he was saying.  He seemed to think I was a grand bloke anyway.

ET - go home

Grandad May 16th, 2007

I have been steering clear of politics, because I’m sick of the subject.

But yesterday I read Fintan O’Toole’s column in the Irish Times. First I laughed. Then I cried. Then I laughed again.

He writes about how none of the fiascos of the last ten years are the government’s fault. He gives quotes from TDs. Now I’m not going to plagiarise his work, because that would be churlish. But I have to use one or two of the quotes…

For example, there was the fiasco of the electronic voting system [that we had to have otherwise we'd be the laughing stock of Europe] -
“Any waste of money on the voting system lies at the Opposition’s door” [says Bertie. Of course.]

Why didn’t we meet our Kyoto commitments? -
“I am not resposible for the planet, as the deputy is aware” [Bertie again]

Another classic concerning the fact that Ireland has some of the largest primary school classes in Europe -
“It is completely unacceptable that any school has 40 or more children in a classroom. That is not my fault” [Mary Hanafin - Minister for Education].

My favourite has to be Bertie’s eloquent little speech about his finances -
“Surely, surely I’m not resposible if Vincent Browne gave somebody to administer the money for that house and that person administers the money on that house and the bills are all sent to a tribunal. All the bills relating to that money are all given given to a tribunal and therefore then I .. I.. I shouldn’t be answering that”

In another part of the paper, we had McDowell singing the praises for Bertie’s “exercise in in honesty and truthfulness” [see above?] and “We asked for accountability and the Taoiseach gave it in spades”

What the hell are these people saying? What are they talking about? Are they in some kind of parallel universe?

What planet are they really from?

Badger cull fails to halt spread of TDs

Grandad May 14th, 2007

A new report has claimed that the culling of badgers in Ireland has failed to stop the spread of TDs.

A similar cull is planned in the UK, but the report backed by the Badgerwatch Ireland charity says levels of Mad Cow Disease in politicians are twice as high here.

The report claims that 6,000 snares are set every night in Ireland for badgers, leading to their virtual extinction, but levels of Mad Cow Disease in politicians are still double those in Britain where badgers are not culled.

The report, co-authored by Badgerwatch Ireland and the UK Badger Trust, claims the figures prove that killing badgers does not control or eradicate TDs and that badgers are being used as a scapegoat.

The report says that just 0.4% of Ireland’s politicians were slaughtered as a result of the disease last year.

A spokesperson for the badger trust said the killing of badgers here is disproportionate and has branded it an international disgrace. He asked the electorate to debate this on the doorstep with their local candidate if they could find a sane one.

*Source: RTE

Bottling out

Grandad May 6th, 2007

So the PDs have bottled it.

What an amazing surprise.

But the damage is done. In my book, any credibility they ever had has gone down the toilet. They have professed themselves to be in league with a man that they don’t trust, and their cop-out clause is that ‘they want an explanation’!

We know what is coming. Bertie will get on the telly and give us some pathetic story about how it wasn’t his money, and everyone has him wrong, that he’s such a nice guy really. He’ll shed a well rehearsed tear or two and the gullible public will lap it up.

Bertie was raised in the same stable [pigsty] as Charlie Haughey. Haughey was about as corrupt as they come, and Bertie was at his side. Bertie professes innocence about the blank cheques, but either he knew exactly what was going on, or he is so naive that he should never be put in a position of power. My bet is that he not only knew, but learned the lessons well.

Now the circle is complete. We are back to having a Taoiseach with very questionable financial affairs. Like Haughey, we will not get to hear the full extent until it is too late.

If I owned a business, and my general manager came under suspicion for dubious financial irregularities, what would I do? Would I tell him to carry on, but have a report on my desk in a couple of weeks time? No. I would suspend him, pending an internal inquiry. And if that enquiry didn’t satisfy me, I’d hand the matter over to the authorities.

But McDowell thinks he knows which side his bread is buttered on.

If he abandons FF, then he knows they have virtually no chance in hell of getting back in. And there goes his chance of power in the future. No other party is going to touch him in a coalition. So he bottles it and relies on Bertie coming up with one of his staged apologies.

But the damage is done. How can the electorate possibly trust a coalition when the coalition is falling asunder immediately before an election? How can they trust FF when the leader is under such a cloud of suspicion that even his own allies are questioning him? How can they trust the PDs when they don’t have the courage of their own convictions?

One answer for FF is to replace their leader immediately. But the top contenders are mostly from the old Haughey stable as well. So they would be replacing the corrupt with the potentially corrupt.

My advice to the other parties, for what it’s worth -

Make hay while the sun shines.

Electronic voting?

Grandad April 30th, 2007

“Ah J-J-Jayzus, I have it.”

“What’s that, Bertie? The answer to the latest opinion polls?”

“Yeah. Dat and more”

“So how are we going to turn around the decline in our popularity, Bertie?”

“I have been g-g-giving due c-c-consideration to the…. I mean to say up-p on reflection…..”

“Bertie!”

“Wha?”

“You’re not talking to the meeja now, Bertie. You can talk normally”

“Shit! You’re right. No. I’m not worried about the polls. Or even the Poles! Ha Ha. We’ll sort that out a few days before the vote.”

“How, Bertie?”

“Jayzus! We’ll promise de nurses what dey want and sack dat Harney hoor. We’ll promise a 5% tax cut . We’ll promise to abolish stamp duty. Jayzus we’ll promise anyting dey want”

“But the electorate won’t fall for that, Bertie? And we can’t afford it anyway.”

“Of course dey’ll fall for it. Dey have every other time. And if we get back in we’ll just forget about it for another five years like we done before.
Anyway yiz are getting off the subject. My real brainwave is how to beat them French with the electronic voting.”

“Ah, Bertie! You’re not thinking of bringing those machines back again, are you?”

“Jayzus, no. D’ya tink I’m mad? No. Dis is a stroke of genius. Instant voting from home. Dey’ll love it!”

“And how do you propose to do that, Bertie?”

“Premium line voting! Dey can phone in their votes. De public will love it. Yiz know how dey go mad for dat. We’ll charge ‘em a few euro a shot. Tink of de money!! So get out dere and set up some premium lines. Register dem in the name of Michael Moriarty, and divert de funds to de offshore account. Beverly Cooper-Flynn has de details”

“It won’t be that much, Bertie. There are only a couple of million or so voters.”

“Yeah. But wait till dey find dey can vote loads of times. Jayzus, de calls will run into hundreds of millions. We’ll be fuckin minted!”

“But how will anyone know the outcome of the election?”

“Ah, who gives a fuck. We’ll be out of de country by den. Are yiz coming for a pint?”

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