Archive for the 'Facebook' Category

The truth on Facebook

October 5th, 2011

I watched that film the other night.

You know the one I mean?  That one about Facebook?

There were two things that struck me about the film.  One was that the sound was fucking terrible in it – they seemed determined to drown out the voices with the background noises, so I missed a lot of the dialog.  Not that I think I missed much.  The other thing that struck me was that it made Yer Man Mark Zimmerframe out to be a right little cunt.  I’m surprised he didn’t sue.

Anyhows, it got me thinking about Facebook once more.

One of the things about Facebook is the weird fenomimin femonim phenomyn thing where people insist on putting the most intimate details about their lives out there for everyone to see.  Some bloke updates his status – “Had sex with a sheep last night.  Felt a bit woolly this morning”, and then wonders why the fuck he didn’t get the teaching job he had just applied for.  People are very strange.

Another thing that baffles me is the latest craze for starting a group and begging people to join.  As soon as A Cause presents itself, someone creates a group and expects us all to follow it.  They then get themselves into the meeja and spout on about how their Cause has attracted 500 members in Facebook, as it that is the ultimate supreme court in the land and the final arbiter.  Speaking for myself, I get a few invites to join Causes and all I do is go into my Facebook thing and click a button at random.  I haven’t a clue what Causes I am supporting or rejecting.  The simplest job in the world is clicking a mouse button.  It means nothing.

And I wish companies would stop this shite of begging people to “follow” them on Facebook and Twitter.  If you want to advertise your wares, then build a fucking website.  Fucking cheapskate.  It is pointless “following” a company unless you are going to have hourly updates about your products.  And if your products have to be updated every hour or so they are either crap products or you are Microsoft.

I joined Facebook for the laugh.  Then for a long time I ignored it.  Now it’s just plain annoying me.  I wish it had never been invented.

The film is right.

Mark Zimmerframe is a cunt.

Being outed by Google

September 27th, 2011

A while ago I signed up with Google Plus or Google+ or whatever the fuck you call it.

Why?

God knows.  I suppose it was like Everest – it was there.

Those of you who have been following my musings on the Interweb may remember that I joined Facebook ages ago.  I have never used it, or certainly have never used it in the way I was supposed to use it.  I just left it there so that it could send me annoying mails about who wanted to befriend me.

Anyhows, back to Google Plus.

That turned out to be just as annoying.  As well as getting endless mails from Facebook, I’m now getting endless mails from Google as well.  A couple of days ago, I realised I hadn’t actually visited Google Addition in ages so I decided to have a look.

The cunts have suspended me,

They have decided that I am not who I say I am but that I am somebody else.  How the fuck they come to that conclusion, I don’t know, but there you go.  I’m suspended.  Now, I’m not quite sure why they are telling me.  Surely they should be writing to that other person who they think I am?

Just to play along with their fantasies, I have changed my name to my real name.  Instead of Grandad Himself, I am now Grandad Fartzalott.  In the interests of modesty, I have left out my title.

The story of the Fartzalotts goes back a long time, but basically Sir Edwin Fartzalott came to Ireland some centuries ago and settled down for the quiet life.  Unfortunately for him, one night he was attacked, beaten and raped by the notorious Grainne Clancy who duly became pregnant.  She forced him to marry her at the point of a double-barrelled twelve bore pitchfork, and the Irish Fartzalott Dynasty began.  For some reason that I never understood, the knighthood only passes to the second son, but who is to argue with tradition?  My second grandson [Sir Tom Fartzalott] is now carrying on the family knighthood.  I may have mentioned him from time to time, but he’s only a year old, so there isn’t much to write about.  My daughter insists on using a different spelling for the name [she calls him Fartsalot] which is something I intend to speak to her firmly about.

So there you have it.

I have been exposed, and I’m not happy about it.

But I’m damned if I’m going to let Google get the better of me.

Being Social

July 6th, 2011

I have mentioned Twitter once or twice in the past.

I have even been know to mention Facebook in passing.

The reason I am mentioning them again is that I think I may have confused some people.  In fact that is more than likely as they have confused me.

Take Twitter for example.  Every now and then, the nice people at Twitter write to me to tell me that someone new is following me.  Can anyone tell me what I am supposed to do about this none too covert stalking?  Am I supposed to thank Twitter?  Am I supposed to thank the new follower and do I then start following them?  That could be a tad awkward as we would just follow each other in ever decreasing circles until we vanished up our own arses. 

There is another thing that puzzles me too.  Every so often someone shouts my name with FF attached.  What the hell is this?  Funny Fellow?  Fucking Fool?  Am I supposed to thank them or curse them?

Facebook is another matter altogether and frankly is even more confusing.  People don’t stalk you there.  Oh no, they are quite up front about it and demand to be your friend.  There are lots of people who want to be my friend but my parents warned me about them.  “Beware of strangers who offer you sweets” they said, though in Facebook it’s more a case of “Beware of strangers who want to poke you”.  I suppose Facebook is at least a bit more honest about it?

I get quite a few emails from Facebook every week.  They all say the same thing though I have never bothered to read them all.  They all whinge on about my family and how they have found two possible relatives of mine.  Ok, so one is a niece-in law [is there such a thing?] and the other is that K8 one that I have been trying to disown for years, so I’ll give Facebook half marks for effort.  I would join up with their fucking Family Tree just to stop the fucking mails, but then they would have won.  So no fucking chance!

The one little yoke that I do use quite a lot is Skype.  I don’t shout about it because it would be boring.  I have friends that I call up and have a chat with, or who will trade long text messages with me.  However, like any ordinary phone, I’m picky about who calls me.  I have enough problems with cold callers without inviting them onto my computer too.  The odd time I will get a request from some total stranger who wants me to let them see when I am on line.  Why?  Do they want to phone me?  Or do they just want to see when I am up and about?  The sad news for them is that I only go on line at certain times.  My friends know when those times are, but no one else does, so those total strangers could be waiting a very long time.

I think on the whole I’m better off leaving all this Social Media shite to the young people.  They can happily spend their time swapping boring photos and even more boring videos and telling each other that they have just arrived in Burger King.

I’m off to the pub.

Now that’s social!

Out of my face

January 5th, 2011

Like Twitter, I never really understood Facebook.

I created an account there a couple of years ago just to see what all the fuss was about.  I played around with it for a while and then I just got bored with it.  I stopped visiting, and only drop in on the rare occasion where Herself wants something.  For example, I dropped just after Christmas to stick up a wee video I had made of the Wren Boys.  I did the job and left again.  I don’t believe in hanging around where I’m not wanted.

I went in again a short while ago, just to see if I was still there.  [I am]  I discovered that there were 14 friend requests, 2 friend suggestions, 51 application requests and a partridge in a fucking pear tree.  There was also a sack full of messages, and that’s where things get a little sticky.  You see, a load of them were Christmas wishes and not having seen them, I never replied to them.  Woops.

One of the little difficulties I always had with Facebook is the concept of ‘friends’.  Apparently I have 133 friends, most of whom I have never heard of.  Then there are the ‘friend requests’ where apparently people want to be friends with me.  That is fine, but where I come from, you like someone and you become friends.  There is no need for a fucking formal contract, or an RSVP.  It would be interesting though to treat real life like Facebook – I walk into the pub and see a good looking Young Wan so I hand her a small contract asking if I can be her friend?  I wonder how she would react?  Heh!

Another thing I found irritating was the number of ‘applications’.  The hard and fast rule about them seems to be that they are either boring, or else they demand my mobile phone number.  They can go fuck themselves.  That number is only for the women in my life.  Even Herself doesn’t know it.

So, having made my annual pilgrimage to Facebook, I can ignore it for another year.

Oh, and before I forget -

To all my friend in Facebook…. have a Happy Christmas.

Facebook is relative

October 9th, 2010

There are a few things in life I just do not understand.

I don’t understand how women’s minds work, but then I don’t thing anyone does, including women.

I don’t understand the offside rule. Nor do I want to.

I don’t understand Facebook.

I have a very reasonable grasp on the Theory of Relativity, but Facebook leaves me baffled.

Many moons ago, I signed up just to see what all the fuss was about. That didn’t really help. All I found was a lot of games and things which not only were somewhat irritating, but they rapidly filled up my Inbox with crap.

I did find one little game that was quite intriguing. I started buying and selling people. I became quite good at it, and by the time I got bored, I was worth a couple of million. Unfortunately, the fuckers wouldn’t cash in my account so that was that.

I never visit Facebook now. However Herself discovered it, and a miraculous change occurred. Whenever she logs in she becomes very quiet and docile, to the extent that I am saving a fortune on her medication. I haven’t a clue what she does in there but why question the miraculous?

Something happened last night. I’m not quite sure what it was, but apparently one of the thingies she plays with on Facebook broke. She blamed me of course. When she had finished blaming me she blamed the computer. She became extremely upset. She acted like she was going cold turkey off heroin. In the end I had to lock her in her shed for the sake and safety of the neighbours. It was not a pretty sight.

This morning, when I let her out, the first thing she did was to check her Facebook. Whatever it was that was broken was obviously fixed again. She sat there with a quiet contented smile on her face, oblivious to the world. I had to remind her to go and put some clothes on.

Facebook is weird. Apparently I have 132 friends, most of whom I have never heard of. Some of them even claim to be relatives. There is a queue of people who have patiently been waiting to be my friend for the last year or so. Even U2 can’t command that level of loyalty?

I’m a bit afraid of it now. Having seen its effect on Herself, it is obviously dangerous stuff.

I think I’ll just stick with the friends I can have a pint with.

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