Head Rambles

Grandad May 7th, 2010

Today’s choice may come as a surprise to some people, but it comes as no surprise to me.

There is something about this one’s face that really gets on my wick.  I don’t know quite what it is, but I squirm every time I see her, avoid films she is in and turn over magazines if she’s on the cover.

I think my love hate relationship started with “Friends”.  To me, that programme was the epitome of everything that is unfunny about American comedy.  It was overacted, badly staged and basically, not funny.  What made it worse was that everyone raved about it.

In my previous incarnation as a worker, I used to share an office with a Friends fan.  Every coffee break was the same – she would start on about the antics of the Friends lot and would bore the arse off the rest of us, who hated the programme.  We would all moan silently, but none of us had the heart to tell our colleague to shut the fuck up.  We were too nice.  That’s office life for you.

Since “Friends”, Aniston seems to crop up everywhere.  I have had the misfortune to see a couple of films featuring her.  Someone should tell the poor bint that she can’t act for nuts.  She always seems to play the same character, no matter what film she’s in, so if I see her name in the listings, I just don’t watch any more.

Then there are the “celebrity” magazines.  They seem to be obsessed with her.  Of course, I don’t buy them but that doesn’t stop all those fucking advertisements.  I mean to say, who gives a flying fuck about Jennifer Aniston’s love life?  On the grand scheme of things, it is less than trivial.  Who gives a fiddler’s fart if she is pregnant or about to date some new sap?  I have more important things to worry about, such as that pimple on the back of my neck.

A lot of men consider her to be attractive.  I don’t.  Those blank soulless eyes freak me.  The light is on, but there is nobody in.  She never seems to change her expression either.  I have a private theory that she is, in fact from the planet Zorg, and is eyeing the human race up for potential meat farming.

It is definitely time to dust off the boots.

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Grandad April 11th, 2010

I just cannot understand the popularity of cookery programmes on television.

Cooking is about taste.  It is about smell.  So watching a cookery programme is like watching snooker on a black and white set, or listening to a mime artist on radio – utterly pointless.

For some reason, cookery presenters all seem to be complete wankers.  Maybe it is one of the qualifications of being a cook, I don’t know, but they all irritate me intensely.

It was a toss up as to whether I would go for Gordon Ramsey or Jamie Oliver.  I let them simmer for five minutes and this is what popped out of the pot.

Jamie shredding his fingers.

There are so many things about this little fuckwad that get under my skin.  It’s his “amn’t I just an ordinary chappie, and doesn’t everyone love me” attitude.  It’s the way he can’t put something in a pan without dropping it from the fucking ceiling.  It’s the way he never shuts the fuck up.

I never watch cookery programmes because I just don’t see the point, but this little shit inveigled his way into the system so he appears in advertisements and is difficult to miss.

The bottom line anyway is that he is utterly pointless.  If you can heat a tin of baked beans, then you don’t need a Jamie Oliver in your life. Even if you can’t heat a tin of baked beans, he isn’t going to do it for you.  His total contribution to the development of mankind is a whacking great zero.  He is a waste of space.  He is using valuable oxygen.  He is pointless.

My only problem now is that I can’t decide when to give him his kicking.

Do I do it before or after the lobster treatment?

Drop from the ceiling into a cold pan of water and then bring slowly to the boil.

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Grandad April 3rd, 2010

This weeks winner singlehandedly represents everything that is wrong with modern Irish politics.

Jackie Healy Rae is an independent TD for South Kerry.  He is supposed to be the voice representing the people of Kerry in national affairs.  Is he though?  Is he fuck!

This country is crawling with parish pump politicians, whose only concern is getting re-elected and therefore spend their entire time fixing local issues that are the responsibility of the local authorities.  JHR is proud of the fact that South Kerry probably has the best roads in the province, as he extracted vast sums from the government in return for the promise of his vote.

JHR doesn’t give a flying fuck about national issues.  What he cares about is keeping his six-figure salary [plus very generous expenses].  What he cares about is being a ‘cute hoor’ who sits in the pub getting free pints from everyone in return for promises of favours.  He comes across as a thick red-neck culchie, but he knows which side his bread is buttered on.

On a couple of occasions, he held the power to bring our fiasco of a government down.  In particular, he voted in favour of NAMA, which is a scheme pumping thirty billion into a failed private bank which singlehandedly caused our financial crisis.  Yes – that’s €30,000,000,000 of our money, when we can’t afford teachers, care for the elderly, the infirm or the disabled.

This little fuck had one glorious opportunity to do the right thing, but did he do it?  No.  Why?  Because that would have been the end of the gravy train, and the hassle of having to go forward for another election.

The sight of JHR has always set my boots twitching, but lately, like the little turd that he is, he has floated to the top of my cesspool.  In fact, I don’t think he needs a kicking.  Slow drowning on a slurry tank would be far more satisfying and appropriate.

Jackie Healy Rae claims he has no power.

This fine specimen of manhood is a national politician.  This Adonis represents us on the International stage.

God help us all.

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Grandad March 21st, 2010

It’s two for the price of one, this time around.

I don’t know what it is about these two, but I am completely pissed off with the sight of them.  They seem to crop up everywhere, and in all the kinds of television programmes that I despise.  The X-Factor!  Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here, or whateverthefuck it’s called!  I think they even had their own Saturday night programme?

In particular it’s the one on the left.  Ant?  Dec?  Who gives a fuck?  I just want to give him the sledgehammer treatment.

Who the fuck are they?  Are they the failed remnants of some long failed pop group?  Are they someone’s sons?  Are they related/lovers?  Are they failed actors?  Their entire talent seems to be based on their ‘cheeky, chirpy chappies’ reputation.  I fucking hate ‘cheeky chirpy chappies’

Then they started cropping up in those advertisements for the Wii, which damned near put me off buying one myself.  The whole basis of the advertisement nicely demonstrated what I hate about the pair – a family sitting at home when the two lads walk into the room.  Immediately everyone cheers up and has a great laugh with the two lads making witty comments [at least I assume they did – I always had the sound muted].

Some may love them as ‘lovable rogues’.

I see them as a pain in the hole.

Hobnails, here I come…..

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Grandad March 12th, 2010

I suppose it was inevitable that this one would come up.

Normally I would include people in this hall of fame because of an irrational desire just to have a good kicking.

This week’s candidate is more than that.  I have a rational desire to smack her one with the back of a shovel, but she still fits the bill, because she’s an ugly cow.

From the irrational point of view, I just hate her sulky scowl.  She rarely smiles, and has one of those voices that drones on on a monotone that is a guaranteed cure for insomnia, if it weren’t for the fact that she talks such bullshit.  This is a face that definitely requires a drastic piece of reshaping, preferably by non-surgical methods.

On the rational side, she is a fucking menace to the public.

Once again, there is another scandal in the health service.  One of the nation’s major hospitals has admitted that 57,000 x-rays were never reviewed by a consultant.  This has resulted in at least one death.  On top of that, they never bothered even opening 3,500 letters of referral from GPs.  This is a mess that is just another in a long litany of cock-ups, foul-ups and disasters in our health service, which all started when our Minister for Obesity Health decided to ‘reform’ the health service.  All she has succeeded in doing is to dismantle a system that worked reasonably well, and replace it with a bureaucratic nightmare that doesn’t function at all, but costs the state a staggering fortune per year.

The worst part about it is that she refuses to see what a monumental bollix she has made of the system.  She just keeps digging us deeper and deeper into this appalling mess.

And where is she now during this latest revelation about the x-rays?

She is swanning around New fucking Zealand with her husband at our expense. We are paying for her to have a nice little holiday on the pretext of ‘an official visit’ for Paddy’s Day which isn’t until next week.  God give me fucking strength.

This cow is a menace to society.

She is a corpuscle on the face of mankind.

Pass me my hob-nails.

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