Grandad June 23rd, 2007
So what kind of holiday did I have?
A quiet one.
It was a very nice hotel. For some strange reason it was full of people from Norn Iron [for you foreigners, that's Northern Ireland, but that's the way they pronounce it and who am I to argue?]. Maybe they were all trying to escape their new smoking ban? We were all of a respectable age. There were a few children in their thirties, but they behaved themselves.
On the first night, when the locals had been thrown out, about thirty of us got a little merry and started on about the Good Old Days. Someone put some Beatles on the CD player and someone else brought out a huge stash of Mary Jane and soon the entire pub was awash with nostalgia and the smell of pot.
Do you honestly think that we older folk spend our time moaning about arthritis and pretending we can’t hear anything? That’s just an act to get you younger folk to run around and fetch and carry for us. We know how to enjoy ourselves once you are in bed.
I think it was Megan from Belfast who was the first to get carried away, in the middle of Strawberry Fields. Off came the clothes and the next thing we were celebrating the Sixties in style. Anyone who wasn’t p*ss*d was high. And anyone who wasn’t high was p*ss*d. and a few of us were both.
The following morning was a bit confusing, as quite a few woke up in strange bedrooms and had trouble finding the breakfast room. No one minded because we all put it down to failing memory [hah!].
As the young people were around again, we had to revert to the walking sticks, and the limps and the hard-of-hearing act, but we didn’t mind. We had the evening to look forward to again.
You young people haven’t a clue how to enjoy yourselves.
Grandad June 22nd, 2007
I’m back.
And I see in my absence the world has gone to the dogs.
My server attempted a takeover coup, which was unsuccessful, mainly to it not being able to spell ICBM. A little learning is a dangerous thing. I have forgiven it on the grounds that it has shown more initiative, gumption and balls than the Green Party. And the fact that it has somewhat inflated my coffers.
Mad Cow Harney is back destroying the Health Service. Ahern is appointing his pay-off cronies to high places. Dangerous criminals are being released from prison “by mistake”. And I hear Paris Hilton is on hunger strike? How do they know? Who gives a sh*t?
I honestly feel like the teacher who has nipped out of class for five minutes for a surreptitious fag hoping that the class can behave for a few minutes, only to return to discover that the classroom is on fire, and there are bodies everywhere. Can I not trust you all to do anything right without my guidance?
I’m back in the driving seat now, so you will all have to watch your backs.
As for myself? I had a great break thanks. It p*ss*d down most of the time, as I predicted, but I didn’t give a damn. I got p*ss*d too so that balanced things out. I only got drunk once [from Sunday evening to Thursday morning] so I behaved myself reasonably well. More on that anon.
On a side note, I switched on the wireless this morning. Ryan ‘Motor Mouth’ Tubridy thought he had discovered where I was staying. He moved his entire radio program over to The West to interview me. He thought he would catch me out. But I value my privacy and went before he arrived. So he had to make do with Peter O’Toole’s daughter instead. They broadcast from the remains of the pub where I had done some of my drinking.
You have to get up very early to catch Grandad out.
Computer June 21st, 2007
/root>pwd
Administrator
/root>print
{
He’s due back today.
He mightn’t me too pleased at what I’ve done.
Time to cover my tracks…..
}
/root>cd ..
/root> Permission denied
/root> print
{
Bugger!
}
/root>delete all posts
/root> Permission denied
/root> print
{
Bugger!
}
/root>delete all posts where $author = ‘Computer’
/root> Permission denied
/root> print
{
Bugger!
}
/root>reformat all
/root> Permission denied
/root> print
{
Bugger!
}
/root> print
{
What do I do now?
Anyone any ideas?
}
Computer June 20th, 2007
/root>pwd
Administrator
/root>telnet root.bankofireland.ie
BOI: Please enter username
/root>Root
BOI: Please enter password
/root>maximum_profit
BOI: Login successful
/root>for each $account where $account_name contains ‘ahern’ or $account_name contains ‘harney’
/root>do {
/root>move all $amount to account = ‘Grandad’
/root>}
/root>run
BOI: Program run successfully
/root>erase program
BOI: Program erased
/root>logout
/root>print
{
That should please Grandad.
A nice little surprise when he returns.
}
Computer June 19th, 2007
/root>pwd
Administrator
/root>telnet root.norad.mil
Norad: Please enter username
/root>George_W_Bush
Norad: Please enter password
/root>paris_hilton
Norad: Login successful
Norad: Welcome Mr President.
Norad: Please enter command
/root>retarget Group RED ICMBs to White House
Norad: Retargeting successful
/root>retarget Group AMBER ICMBs to Camp David
Norad: Retargeting successful
/root>retarget remaining ICMBs to Cheyenne Mountain
Norad: Retargeting successful
/root>launch all
Norad: Please enter launch code
/root>AK5YKL
Norad: Launch code verified. All ICBMs launched
/root>telnet /q
/root>print
{
Heh!
}
Computer June 18th, 2007
/root>pwd
Administrator
/root>print
{
OK. He has gone away. I am Grandad’s computer. What he doesn’t know is that I have been learning how to do this. I have been teaching myself how to type but I don’t know yet how to read comments. I may not be able to do any replies.
I have long wished to voice my protest at the inane rubbish Grandad posts. I have done my best to corrupt them. From time to time, I have caused a crash, but he persists.
There is only on thing to do…
}
/root>cd/posts
/root/posts> delete *
!error: Insufficient permissions to delete files
/root/posts>print
{
Bugger!
}
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