Archive for the 'Internet' Category

Plop

October 8th, 2011

There are times when technology really pisses me off.

I was quietly sitting here minding my own business, listening to the radio and half dozing when Plop.

Yes, Plop.

The dreaded sound of a sudden powercut.

When power is restored, there is usually a cacophony of whirrs, clicks and buzzes and all the technology comes back to live, but the act of dying merely produces a Plop.

I checked a few sockets and found that it was only a fuse that had blown. That happens on a regular basis so it’s no worry. I just bunged in a higher rating fuse. I was out of 30s to I whacked in a 60. That’ll teach it.

After all the whirrs, clicks and buzzes ceased I thought I would check the Interweb.

No fucking Interweb!

For some reason, my little wireless thingy with the little aerials has ceased to function. I couldn’t connect.

I tried running a cable to my laptop, but that didn’t work either.

Fuck!

Then I remembered I had an old one lying around. I don’t know where it came from, but it was there being used as a book stand. I’ll let the Other Fella poke around in the dud one. He actually enjoys that sort of shite.

It works. Not very well, but I suppose it’s better than nothing. After all, you lot would have a fit if I didn’t make an appearance.

Fucking technology!

Lost in translation

August 21st, 2011

I keep forgetting how international this Interweb thing is.

I try to write in a way that most English speaking people can read.  I’m not always successful in that endeavour but fuckit, I try.

It is somewhat strange then to come across references to this place in a language that is quite frankly foreign to me.

One of the sites that links here is Weirdo.  Now it looks interesting but I can’t understand a single word, as it’s all in Welsh.  I always thought that the Welsh language had a particular beauty, but I think it’s a bit late to learn it, considering that I’m still struggling with English.

Recently another site wrote an entire piece about this place, and I haven’t a fucking clue what they are on about as the whole thing is in Russian.  My Russian is [to put put mildly] a tad on the rusty side, and Google Translate isn’t much better, so I’ll just have to hope that what they wrote is reasonably positive. 

I received my first Russian comment the other day.  I’m not counting those ones from people who call themselves “Get a cheap mortgage” or whatever and then try to flatter me into posting their link.  No.  I’m talking about a short succinct comment that was aimed directly at me.  Unfortunately their link was one of those casino sites, so under my rules that does in fact class them as spam.  And what did they say?

“Давай, дедуля жги еще!”

According to Google, that means “Come on, Grandpa still burn!“.  I’m still not quite sure what to make of that.  Maybe something got lost in translation?  Anyway, thanks Max.  I think.

Just out of interest, I tried taking the fist sentence of this scribble and translating it into Russian.  Apparently it is “Я все время забываю, как международные этом межсети вещь.”.  Now that means nothing to me so I translated it back again.  “I keep forgetting how international this interweb thing.”  I’m impressed.  But it has missed out on the last “is” which subtly changes the whole meaning.  In fact it doesn’t really make any sense at all.  So I then wonder what my musings come out as when translated into other languages?

Fuckit.

I think I’ll stick with English.

Being Social

July 6th, 2011

I have mentioned Twitter once or twice in the past.

I have even been know to mention Facebook in passing.

The reason I am mentioning them again is that I think I may have confused some people.  In fact that is more than likely as they have confused me.

Take Twitter for example.  Every now and then, the nice people at Twitter write to me to tell me that someone new is following me.  Can anyone tell me what I am supposed to do about this none too covert stalking?  Am I supposed to thank Twitter?  Am I supposed to thank the new follower and do I then start following them?  That could be a tad awkward as we would just follow each other in ever decreasing circles until we vanished up our own arses. 

There is another thing that puzzles me too.  Every so often someone shouts my name with FF attached.  What the hell is this?  Funny Fellow?  Fucking Fool?  Am I supposed to thank them or curse them?

Facebook is another matter altogether and frankly is even more confusing.  People don’t stalk you there.  Oh no, they are quite up front about it and demand to be your friend.  There are lots of people who want to be my friend but my parents warned me about them.  “Beware of strangers who offer you sweets” they said, though in Facebook it’s more a case of “Beware of strangers who want to poke you”.  I suppose Facebook is at least a bit more honest about it?

I get quite a few emails from Facebook every week.  They all say the same thing though I have never bothered to read them all.  They all whinge on about my family and how they have found two possible relatives of mine.  Ok, so one is a niece-in law [is there such a thing?] and the other is that K8 one that I have been trying to disown for years, so I’ll give Facebook half marks for effort.  I would join up with their fucking Family Tree just to stop the fucking mails, but then they would have won.  So no fucking chance!

The one little yoke that I do use quite a lot is Skype.  I don’t shout about it because it would be boring.  I have friends that I call up and have a chat with, or who will trade long text messages with me.  However, like any ordinary phone, I’m picky about who calls me.  I have enough problems with cold callers without inviting them onto my computer too.  The odd time I will get a request from some total stranger who wants me to let them see when I am on line.  Why?  Do they want to phone me?  Or do they just want to see when I am up and about?  The sad news for them is that I only go on line at certain times.  My friends know when those times are, but no one else does, so those total strangers could be waiting a very long time.

I think on the whole I’m better off leaving all this Social Media shite to the young people.  They can happily spend their time swapping boring photos and even more boring videos and telling each other that they have just arrived in Burger King.

I’m off to the pub.

Now that’s social!

Securing the future

July 5th, 2011

There is always the possibility that I could be hit by a bus tomorrow.

Or it could be a stray bolt of lightning.

Or a meteorite.

Or something.

Leastwise, as some wise old sage was once heard to mutter into his cornflakes – “you never know the day nor the hour”.

With that in mind, I started wondering about all my Interweb shit.  Herself wouldn’t be able to access anything that I have done on line.  There is a lot of important shit in there that she would need to access.  There is also a lot of shit in there that I don’t want her to access. *cough*

I did a quick guess as to how many user names and passwords that I had. 

I guessed at twenty, give or take a few.

I was wrong.

One hundred and ninety fucking one accounts.

Holy shit!!!

Where did they all come from?  I haven’t a clue what half them are, but I must have signed in at some stage or other.  Other accounts have several user names, and I don’t know why. 

I have managed to write them all down and will leave her the file in my will……

minus all the sites I don’t want her to know about, of course.

That should bring the figure nearer twenty.

Heh!

The need for speed

May 8th, 2011

The damned Interweb is trying to annoy me again.

Here I am on a blustery Sunday afternoon trying to download some porn download some pirated films research the decline of the honeybee, and the fucking Interweb is acting like I am using an old modem thingy.  It’s not only slow, but it keeps disconnecting.  Fucking irritating.

It could be that the lightning we had last night screwed something up in which case there is fuck all I can do about it.

Or it could be that the trees and hedges have gotten a little out of control and are blocking the signal.

I’ll tell you one thing -

It’s a piss poor state of affairs if the fucking Interweb is nagging me to do some gardening.

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