Head Rambles

Archive for the 'Internet' Category

Grandad and Granny rule

Grandad February 21st, 2008

Herself was muttering about blogs and Google last night.

I don’t know quite what she was muttering about because I usually don’t listen.

To while away the time while she rambled on, I did a search for "Granny" in Google. Bugger me, but she came out #1 in Ireland!!! Grannylosttheplot is at the top of the list.

This worried me, so I did a search for "Grandad". With an enormous sense of relief, I found that I am #1 too!

So, in Ireland at least, Granny and Grandad rule. Stick that in your SEO cookbooks and smoke it.

granny_grandad

She was still waffling, so I went further afield.

"Granny" in Google worldwide? She comes in at #4. Not bad, I thought. So the competition is hotting up, I thought.

"Grandad" in Google worldwide? Hah!! #4 again. So at least we are equal there too. We are an equal opportunities couple.

The only thing that bugs me now is that I am topped by "Grandad" from "Only Fools and Horses". That bugs me because the fecker is fictional and dead. He should be delisted. Where is my Wikipedia entry? I am real and alive.

My one consolation is that Granny is topped by a porno site.

She’ll never beat that.

Internet , Rambles
Comments(15)

Twink draws in the crowds

Grandad February 3rd, 2008

Yesterday was a very quiet day on the Interweb.

But I was browsing through my stats this morning and came across this.

twinkgraph

Now what the hell could cause such a peak after ten in the evening?? Had somebody Stumbled something? Had the word spread about Grandad’s genius?

No.

My top search term for all of yesterday was “zip up your mickey”.

Now, last night I was very tired. Herself has the flue or something so neither of us was up to much. I flicked into “Tubridy Tonight” to see who he was interviewing and it was that old slapper Twink. And Tubridy asked her about the infamous phone call. So obviously people wanted to hear it. And I happen to have written about it.

Good old Twink. She may be a slapper and way past her sell by date,

but she can still draw in the crowds.

Facebook is a pain in the face

Grandad January 28th, 2008

I have made some mistakes in my time.

One of the biggest was getting involved in so called Social Networking sites. And the worst of these is Facebook.

It seemed like a good idea at the time. I could join, and then see what my virtual friends are up to. But it didn’t work out that way.

I am being inundated with requests, and some of them are frankly weird. I have requests for hugs, attacks and sexual personality tests. I have been attacked by zombies and asked to predict my life. I swear I even had a ‘make a baby’ request at some stage.

The problem is that each of these requests requires me to install another application. And when I install it, I am supposed to inflict all my contacts with the same requests. It’s like pyramid selling on steroids. And some of the applications want my mobile phone number. Why? They’re not getting it. They can fuck off.

I have reached the stage now where a mail from Facebook arrives in my Inbox telling me that someone wants to whisk me off to the Bahamas for an orgy, and I sigh and delete it.

I still drop in every couple of weeks to see if there is anything interesting going on. There isn’t. Just the same old crowd partying like mad like they were on cocaine.

I would delete my account, but my personal information is up there to be gathered. Of course it’s all wrong, so I’m hoping I’ll screw up their system.

So if anyone wants to have my babies, you’ll have to call around to my house, in person. We’ll do things the old fashioned way.

You won’t find me on Facebook.

Internet , Rants
Comments(33)

Big Brother is watching.

Grandad January 14th, 2008

I like messing around with things.

I like trying out bits of software, just to see what they do.

I like to try something out. If I like it, I keep it. If I don’t, then I delete it.

Herself is still under trial, though she doesn’t know it.

I have found a couple of little plugins for WordPress, and I installed them over the weekend.

One is a strange yoke called Community Cloud. You create a page and it lists all the people who have posted comments on your blog in cloud form. I have created a page called Friends, where you can see it in action. I have set my lower limit to 2, so if you have only posted one comment, you won’t appear. Sorry. You have to try harder.

Unfortunately, there is no upper limit, so I can’t banish Grannymar. She keeps commenting because she fancies her chances.

I found that plugin on KirkM’s site - Just Thinkin. Not only is he a good blogger but he knows his WordPress too.

Another one I have installed, for the laugh, is the Talkr Plugin. This allows people to listen to my posts as podcasts. You’ll have to excuse my American accent, and the fact that I sound like a woman. That’s due to a mixup in pills the other night, where I accidentally swapped tablets with herself. She now has a fine beard too.

One plugin I would like to install is a yoke called “Enhanced Plugins Used Plugin”. This is supposed to list all my plugins on a page, but I can’t get the f*cking thing to work. Yet.

[* UPDATE - I have now got it working *]

Another program I found has nothing to do with blogging, but I like it. It allows me to connect to other PCs and run them as if I were there. Even better, there is no sign on the other PC that I have connected, so I can use it for monitoring what’s going on.

I can now watch Herself trying to sell my stuff on eBay. I can then go in and sabotage the auction. She hasn’t worked out yet why her sales are so poor.

That’s me with another PC’s screen on mine

Now I’m going to do a scan of all my neighbours’ PCs to see what they are up to.

Doing business on the phone

Grandad January 11th, 2008

You know how I love phoning call centres and chatting to people who can’t speak English?

You know how I love cold callers?

Sometimes there are upsides to both of them.

Last Sunday [Yes - Sunday - a day of rest when we are supposed to be doing nothing except praying], I received a cold call. It was from my Internet Service Provider. The bloke was foreign, of course.

“Allo Grandad. Ow is your Internet connection?”

“Fine” says I.

“Are you sure? Ve have a report dat says you have problem?”

I logged on, connected to the White House and changed all Dubya’s files replacing ‘Iran’ with ‘Iowa’.

“There’s no problem at all. It’s working very well. When was this call logged?”

“November last year”

I don’t often laugh out loud when talking to a call centre, but there is an exception to every rule.

-oOo-

Yesterday, I got a reminder from my oil company. I hadn’t paid the last bill. I decided to phone them rather than go through the trouble of writing a cheque and going to the Post Office.

Straight away, I got the recorded message about how all their operators are busy and could I please hold on and how they appreciated my service. I sighed, but at least I didn’t have to press any buttons.

After about ten seconds, the phone was answered by a very pleasant chap. He was Irish.

I asked if he could take the payment over the phone, and he said that was no problem at all, at all. He was very chatty. A nice lad.

Herself has a habit of talking to me when I’m on the phone, and this time she told me to ask him if we could have a discount for being a regular customer! She is the greatest chancer.

“What did she say” asked Yer Man.

“She wants to know if we can have a discount for being a regular customer” I said.

“Hold on.”

Half a minute later, he was back. He quoted me a new price. He had knocked the best part of €100 off!

I was so surprised, I ordered a new delivery even though we don’t need it.

“We’ll be around tomorrow”

“There’s no hurry” I said, “we still have half a tank.”

“No” says he “You’re good customers. He’ll be around in the morning. And he’ll have a voucher with him you can use each time you order, so the discount is permanent.”

As I was typing this, my phone rang. It was the oil delivery man. He was full of apologies. He won’t be able to make it this morning.

He’ll be coming at one in the afternoon.

There are some Irish companies [not many] who still appreciate a good customer.