Archive for the 'Learning to drive' Category

I've been tagged again

November 11th, 2007

Our K8 has come up with a new meme.

And, bless her little cotton socks, she has passed it on to me.

She wants me to write a post that uses every tag. It’s all very well for her – she only has a few. I have loads. The cow!

Now I may be getting old but I find these difficult. I had a hard days blogging yesterday, as I had a good rant on a podcast to America. That was after I did my post on Cully and Sully.

So today I went for a ramble around the garden, trying to think of a topic. No go. There was no inspiration around the house either, and I’m damned if I’m going around the village or around the town for something so trivial.

Back in the 70′s life was a lot simpler. There were no computers or Internet, or even television so there were no memes. I had no irritating daughter in the family either. We found our pleasures in simple things. I remember learning to drive so we could go on holidays touring in the West, with no worries about flying and Global Warming. We had such simple sports as children in times past, like watching spiders spin their webs, and the designs they’d make. We’d go for rambles through the woods and have picnics of tea and spam sandwiches. We were a lot healthier for it.

Nowadays, work is the new religion and people have lost the use of their imagination. People only get worked up over celebrities and smoking out corrupt politicians. They panic over property prices and have lost sight of the soul of life.

No.

I can’t think of anything.

I elect not to do it.

I’m going to file this under Uncatagorised.

Maybe Sixty should have a bash at this?

Or how about Kirk at Just Thinkin’? I haven’t tagged him before.

And it’s a while since I annoyed Grannymar!!

tag-award

F*cking memes….

How to drive in Ireland – Road signs

November 5th, 2007

We love road signs. As a result, they are everywhere.

Basically there are three kinds of sign – Instructional, Informative and Useless. 99% of signs fall into the latter category.

The Instructional signs are the ones that tell us to do something. Speed limits, for example.

There is a great misconception about the speed limit signs. Essentially what they indicate is the minimum speed you must do on any stretch of road. They also indicate the level of fine you are expected to pay if caught in an arbitrary speed trap. For example, the lower the number on the sign, the higher the fine. This system has also been thrown into confusion lately, as no one knows wheter the signs refer to miles or kilometers per hour.

Another sign which causes confusion is the ‘Stop’ sign. This sign tells you that you have right of way, and may proceed onto the junction without any regard for other road users.

Informative signs can be found at roughly 10 meter intervals. They include such things as directions signs, which are completely useless [as usually someone has twiddled them to point in the opposite direction], and hazard signs. An example of the latter is the ‘Road Works Ahead’ sign. This indicates that at some stage in the last ten years, someone has dug a hole somewhere. Similarly a ‘Road Flooded Ahead’ sign means that there was a puddle there back in 1986.

On crossing county boundaries you will see large signs proudly proclaiming that X number of people were killed in that county in the previous two years. This is part of an ongoing competition between counties to see who can get the highest score. People take great pride in their counties and will drive like maniacs to push the score up a bit.

Useless signs are used to fill up the gaps between the informative signs. They generally tell you about such things as the local radio station, or that broadband is available in the area. You will see signs advertising Molly’s Tea Shop, second turn left [closed in 1972] and that Jesus Saves. All these signs must be read, which is another reason for the high death toll on our roads.

A new form of sign that has appeared in the last few years is a very clever one. It is the trolley sign, and appears at random places, usually beside motorways. Just when you think you have read it, it changes to say something else. These signs have proved extremely effective and have increased rear-end shunts by a staggering 800%.

Another sign which is popular at the moment is placed at the entry to a new by-pass or new motorway. This sign tells you who paid for the road, what it’s called, who the architect is, and the contractor. In short it credits everybody up to and including the tea boy. This sign must aslo be read in full, and is the cause of many cars going into the ditch.

Of course, you can ignore the signs altogether.

But don’t blame me if you smash into a blind bend that was clearly signposted five miles back.

How to drive in Ireland – Positioning

November 2nd, 2007

The first thing a visitor will see on arrival is the inordinate amount of paint we have on our roads.

There are many places where the road has been completely painted over with lane-markings, arrows, text and other strange things. This has less to do with lane demarcation and more to do with the importer of this paint being the Minister’s brother.

Ignore road markings. They will only confuse.

The general rule in lane positioning is drive where you want to. Most people chose to drive in the outside lane or as near the centre of the road as possible.

If you are driving in the outside lane and a motorist wishes to get past you, he will flash his lights and hoot at you. Ignore him. The fact that you are doing only half the speed limit is irrelevant. He will probably pass you in the wrong lane anyway.

If you are on a multi-lane road and wish to turn off, it is perfectly acceptable to stay in the outside lane until the last conceivable moment before suddenly cutting across the other traffic and taking your exit.

If you are in a multi-lane traffic jam, and one of the other lanes starts to move, it is compulsory to switch lanes immediately. The fact that the other lane is full of cars is irrelevant. Which brings me to the most important rule of lanes -

If you wish to change lanes, then do so. Do not look in your rear-view mirror. Do not look over your shoulder. Just switch lanes. If there is a car in the space you wish to occupy, then that is his tough sh*t.

Roundabouts [or rindabytes, as the AA call them] are a feature of modern Irish roads. They are placed as frequently as possible and generally where they are not required. They are simple to navigate. All you have to do is decide which exit you wish to take, and drive there. Ignore all other cars, whether they are on the roundabout or not. They will give way as they don’t want their paint scratched.

Another aspect of Irish driving is indication. Indicators must never be used to show what you intend to do. They must only be used to show what you what you are actually doing, or what you did five miles back. If you successfully negotiate a junction, then you are entitled to be proud of the fact, and can celebrate by leaving your indicators on for the next ten miles to show other motorists how clever you are.

One last thing -

People are under the misapprehension that the rear-view mirror is to see what is on the road behind you. This is not true. It is there solely for the application of make-up, squeezing blackheads, or for generally admiring your beautiful features. It may on occasion be used to keep an eye on the children in the rear of the car as they tear each other asunder.

How to drive in Ireland – Other People

October 31st, 2007

It is a fact that 98% of all accidents in this country are caused by Other People.

The other 2% are the solo artists who manage to wrap themselves around a telegraph pole at two in the morning when there is no one else around. They are invariably teenagers, who are merely setting out to prove that Darwin is right.

For the rest of us, it is always the Other Bloke [or woman] that causes the accident.

Other People can broadly be divided into two categories – those that are driving cars/buses/lorries etc and those that aren’t. I will refer to the latter as Pedestrians, even though cyclists and motor cyclists are included.

Pedestrians are a great nuisance on Irish roads. They have tried to obtain rights, but fortunately they have only gotten as far as getting the odd Pedestrian Crossing installed. Irish motorists, of course, are delighted with these crossings as they afford a great opportunity to mow down a few more Pedestrians. The government has now started installing Pedestrian Bridges, as their income tax revenue was being affected.

The great rule of Irish driving is the POP rule – Priority Over Pedestrians.

Motorists have complete rule of the road and associated footpaths. Footpaths are there to be parked on and any pedestrian who complains should be run over immediately. Similarly, if a motorist actually wants to drive on the footpath he or she is fully entitled to do so.

Cyclists are a huge hazard on Irish roads and are rightly treated with the utmost contempt. They rarely, if ever use lights or adhere to the rules, so they get all they deserve. In particular, those people who insist on wearing that nauseating nylon cycling gear with a bunch of bananas of their head. It is perfectly acceptable to plead in court that the sun was reflecting off the gigantic black shiny arse that was wobbling in front of you. You can also claim clemency under the indecency laws.

Motor cyclists are to be treated with the same contempt as ordinary cyclists. The only difference is that they go 50,000 times faster.

Other drivers should be treated with caution. You never know when they might have a skinfull of beer on them. Or, worse still, they might be tourists. The only ones that are relatively safe are the SUVs. The latter are a class in their own as they tend to be complete dimwits who are only compensating for their personal inadequacies by driving such a yoke. They invariably haven’t a clue how to drive and are relying on their vehicle to keep them safe. They are safer, simply because you can spot them a mile off, and can expect them to do the least expected.

So the rule of thumb is, whenever possible, to drive when there is no one else around. And if there are Other People around, then treat them like idiots who are out to get you.

Because the chances are – they are.

How to drive in Ireland – The Basics

October 29th, 2007

Which side of the road should you drive on?

This is optional, but generally Irish drivers drive on the left. However, for a couple of hours each side of pub closing time, either side will do.

The most important thing to remember is – when you see a driver coming towards you, you go to the other side. Simple. This may prove tricky on a blind bend, but you have a fifty-fifty chance of getting it right, so don’t worry.

Originally, we all drove on the left. This was because everyone else drove on the right, and we wanted to be different. The U.K. had to tag along with us, because it would have been too awkward at the border with Norn Iron. However, this policy was officially abandoned in 2005 when Minister McDaid did the grand opening of the new policy.

Roads

Roads in Ireland tend to vary. In fact they go around a lot of corners and things.

Since Ireland discovered Money, there has been some investment in roads. This has essentially been concentrated in building Toll Booths. On the minor roads [i.e. anything that hasn't been designated a Motorway] there has been a lot of work done in the installation of pot holes.

Roads in Ireland are constructed with two criteria in mind – to cause maximum damage to the environment and heritage, and to cause maximum surprise. The latter is very clever, as they build stretches of motorway that lead straight into the middle of some God-forsaken village in the middle of nowhere. So the road goes from six lanes to the width of a car in a matter of seconds, with no warning whatsoever. Sleeping while driving is not a good idea.

The erratic nature of motorway building is explained by the fact that the Irish government uses motorway construction as a means to discovering sites of archaeological interest. To date, many fine examples of Irish heritage have been discovered through motorway building. Of course, these sites are immediately built over. We can’t have history standing in the way of progress.

Next »