It’s too hot and sticky and I am knackered after two days work in the fields.  Anyway I had nothing of interest to write about.

A few minutes ago I browsed the Interweb.

Fuck!

Tinman has fucking memed me.

Some of you may not be aware of this [and Tinman obviously isn’t] but I fucking HATE memes.  I don’t know why.  I just do.

In this particular case, I am asked to give seven random facts about myself.  Now, I might find it interesting to read random facts about other people, but I would find it exceptionally boring to read seven random facts about myself. 

I am not going to do it.

As the Americans would say – no fucking way.

Instead I am going to give one random fact and pat it out with six random lies.

1.  I am not a grandfather.  I am in fact called Julie.  I am twenty six years old and I live in Staines in Middlesex.

2. I have a star named after me.  [a real star; not one of those Hollywood fuckwits]

3.  I only have four toes on my right foot.

4.  I have made an appearance on the BBC, ITV and RTE television channels for three unrelated reasons.

5.  Twice, my life has been saved by the Lifeboat Service.

6.  My middle name is Frances.

7.  One of the above is not a lie.

You can guess away. 

I may tell you later which one is true.

Or more likely I won’t.

I am now supposed to lumber 15 unfortunate souls with the same task.  I don’t know 15 people who deserve such a dubious honour.  By all means, if you want to have a bash, then feel free but you have to link back to me.  Heh!

And for Tinman’s eyes only – You were supposed to write to me to warn me this was coming.

You didn’t.

Fail.

He wants me to hold a wee dinner party to which I can invite eight people.

Rules:

• Pick 8 people you’d like to invite to dinner, dead or alive or re-animated / resurrected.
• Say why
• Link your answers back to HERE
• Give credit to the person who tagged you
• Tag three others

Apparently these people can be dead or alive.  Now a dinner with eight dead people sounds like the RTE Christmas Dinner, but Maxi assures me that for the sake of argument, we can assume they are still alive.

Herself wanted to be on the list but, as I pointed out, she’d be in the kitchen anyway and is excluded from the list.

First on the list is Jesus Christ.  He has to be there, as I have a lot of questions to ask, and also we will need a good quantity of wine, and I believe He is reputed to be a great supplier of the finest quality hooch.

Next up is my father.  With the hindsight of maturity, there are a million questions I would love to ask, and anyway he would be intrigued with all this Interweb and SatNav crap so I’m sure he’d appreciate it.

As I am inviting a family member, Herself wants to invite her sister.  The sister in question died before I met Herself and sounds like the only respectable member of the family, and was apparently great craic.  I always wanted to meet her, so this seems like a good time.  Herself might regret that one?

Lady Godiva would be a nice choice.  I don’t know much about her, or even if she was good looking, but we could sit her as a table centrepiece and should provide a topic of conversation if not a little more…..

I wanted to invite Sandra Bullock as I like my dessert to have brains as well as tits, but Herself said that if Bullock was coming that she wanted Jack Nicholson.  That would be fair enough, but I have a sneaking suspicion that Nicholson would spend the evening shagging Bullock, so I had better leave those two out.

Every party needs someone to liven things up a bit, so Attila the Hun could fill that bill.  There could be a bit of mayhem and slaughter [it's OK, Jesus could resurrect them after] and I might be able to pick up a few tips?  

Herself wants to invite someone from the world of literature, and suggested Jane Austin.  Jayzus!!!!  Jane Austin?  What a fucking bore!  I’ll invite Tom Sharpe instead, just to annoy her.

We need someone to add a touch of class to the proceedings, and to generally raise the tone of the conversation, so I’m going to throw in Podge and Rodge even if it does take up two places.  Actually, as they are twins, and come as a package, they should only count as one seat, so I’m going to cheat here.  I might even sneak in Luck Kennedy as an apres déjeuner shag?

Daniel O’Donnell.  A strange choice?  Is Grandad going soft in his old age?  No.  I just want to strangle him.  Slowly.  While listening to Queen.

Every party needs a sap to sit there and to be the butt of all the jokes; someone who is as thick as pigshit to make the rest of us look intelligent.  This spot can only be filled by one person.  This has the be the one and only Pat The Plank.

Now for three victims?

*sigh*

TheChrisD – Because I haven’t hit him before, and it’ll give him something to worry about.

K8 – Because she’d feel left out if I didn’t?

Darragh – Because he has escaped up to now…..

The question that has been posed -

If you had to select celebrities/actors to play the parts in the story of your life today (including yourself!), who would it be and why – this can be based on looks or personality!

The Rules!

1. List the people who would play you, and the key people in your life.
2. Give credit to the person who tagged you.
3. Link your answers to the original blog, that’s here (http://www.iRamble.co.uk)!
4. Tag four new people to participate.

So, who is wise enough to play your life, or who is so downright annoying you want to stitch up publicly?

This isn’t as easy as it looks!

Me:  I would have to go for Peter O’Toole.  He’s got the right attitude, but he’d have to grow a beard and tone down the accent a bit.

Herself: She has always been an admirer of Judi Dench.  They have a lot in common too.

TAT:  This one is easy.  Homer Simpson.

K8: This one has me stumped.  I’m tempted to say Amy Winehouse?

Sandy: There is no substitute.  She would have to be herself.

-oOo-

So I was tagged by Kate who started the whole damned thing.

And in turn, I am going to politely pass it on to K8 [simply because I want to see who she chooses for herself]

Kerryview

RhodesTer

and last, but not least – Maxi Cane.

When will these people ever learn?

Appropriately it’s called Getting Your Goat.  It was started by Kieron over at Keiron’s Window to Madness

The rules are simple enough:

1. List two things that irritate you for a reason (and list the reason!), and two things that irritate you for no apparent reason whatsoever!!
2. Give credit to the person who tagged you.
3. Link your answers to the original blog, that’s here (http://www.skillett.com)!
4. Tag four new people to participate.

OK.  As memes go, this isn’t too bad.  It isn’t a fluffy ‘things you don’t know about me’ or ‘my top five operettas’ or anything like that.  It’s a grumpy meme.  There should be more of those.

1. Two things [only two?] that irritate me and why:

Umbrellas.  This is easy!  I hate the fecking things.  People who use them wave them around like some kind of demented sword as if they were warding off attackers.  I am over six feet tall, and so my eye level is at roughly the same level as an umbrella.  I am sick of being whacked in the face by the things.  The next person to poke me with one will discover how it feels to walk with an umbrella inserted up their rectum.

Spam.  Who doesn’t hate spam?  It’s boring repetitive and unimaginative.  I don’t want any viagara thanks.  Why do I need a replica watch [I prefer to have one that works]?  What is the point in having a fake degree?  If you are going to send spam, at least make it interesting or funny.  Learn to fucking spell, for God’s sake.

Two things that irritate me and I don’t know why:

Victoria Beckham.  An anorexic talentless tart.  I hate the sight of her, and her sour puss appears everywhere.  Thank God the Americans were dumb enough to take her away.

Sponsored television programmes.  Those irritating little ads that have to appear before and after the programme, and before and after every commercial break.  They’re like a nail on glass.

That is it.  It took a while to pare down the hundreds to just two, but I managed.

2. Now I have to give credit to Kieron.  Why?  One irritation I left out was memes.  But I’ll forgive him [this once] as long as he doesn’t do it again.

3. I already have.

4. Fuck.  I hate this bit.  B’dum B’dum, K8 the GR8, English Mum and Andrew.  Heh!

Normally I would go into a rant and tell yiz all to feck off, but this particular millstone has been handed to me by Sinéad, so I’ll be nice for once.

Usual rules apply…

Link to the person that tagged you.
Post the rules on your blog.
Write six random things about you in a blog post.
Tag six people in your post.
Let each person know they are tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.
Let the taggee know your entry is up.

My problem now is that I have done this one so many times before that I have run out of interesting things to say.  So I’m going to vary the theme a bit and do six memories of childhood.

My earliest memory is of sitting in my pram at the age of 18 months.  I had a blue Dinky lorry that I dropped out of the pram, and I cried.  I still have that lorry, though it’s a bit battered now.  On another occasion, I remember my mother talking to a shopkeeper, and I wondered why they were making those strange sounds to each other.  Was this my first appreciation of language?

From the age of five, I used to walk to school every day.  It was about a mile and a half.  A girl from nearby used to collect me and walk with me.  She was about nine or ten, and I thought she was terribly old.

I was a member of Rathmines library, and used to cycle there every couple of weeks.  My favourite authors were Arthur Ransome and Monica Edwards.  I once arrived home and found I had lost all the books off the carrier of my bike.  I was gutted.  They all were returned safely.

My favourite shop was Geary’s on St Stephens Green at the top of Grafton Street.  They sold bikes on the ground floor, but upstairs was a haven of Airfix models and Hornby train sets.

My favourite pastime was to cycle down to the quays and watch the men unloading coal off the ships and loading Guinness onto other ships.  Maybe that’s what started me on the rocky road?

My favourite journey was one we did most years – to get the mail-boat to Holyhead in Wales [it was either on the Hibernia on the Canberra - there were only the two ships], and then the mail-train to London.  That involved a long stop at Crewe while they loaded and unloaded the mail.  I used to love watching the steam engines shunting in the yards there.  We also passed by the village of Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch, where the station name took up most of the length of the platform.

So that’s it.  Boring, huh?

Instead of passing this on, why don’t we try an experiment?  I’m tired of telling you boring things about myself, so why don’t you ask me what you want to know?  The chances of my answering are slim, but you never know?

And then nip over to Eolaí’s site and buy a painting.  He is selling them at ridiculous prices and they are selling fast, so you’d want to be quick!

He knows I hate memes.

He wants me to describe myself in six words.   Hahahaha!

I could go

• brilliant
• insightful
• articulate
• funny
• hilarious
• modest

but I won’t because one or two of those aren’t true [take your pick].

Thinking about it, I could describe just about anyone else, but me.  I could have a field day with Dubya, Harney or Bertie.

Aw shit!

QUIET.  Yes.  Honestly.  I’m a quiet sort of a bloke.  I’m not the gregarious party-going type.  I keep myself to myself.

CONTENTED.  In my own world.  I hate the world they are trying to impose on us though, with their fucking nanny state, their CCTVs, their intrusion into my affairs and the petty laws to protect us from ourselves.

HAPPY.  With a pipe in one hand and a pint in the other, and a good woman at home in the kitchen where she belongs.  What more could I ask for?

WEALTHY.  The above mentioned good woman, a funny dog, a lovely daughter, two fantastic grandchildren and a roof over my head where I love to live.  What more do I need?  Money?  Nah!

HAIRY.  The only places I don’t have hair are my eye-balls and about four inches on the outside of my legs above my ankles.

GRUMPY.  Obviously.  If I’m old, I have to be grumpy.  I have a lot to be grumpy about, with the appalling state of the modern world. It’s mandatory at my age.  But that’s why I started to blog.

That’s six.  I’m not doing any more.  Maybe I’m wrong on them?  Maybe there are other more appropriate words?

And now it’s my turn…..

G’wan Darragh

K8 loves these.

McAWilliams gets one, simply because I was chatting to him earlier.  [The wrong place at the wrong time!]

and

Jefferson, who memed me last week and I haven’t gotten around to it yet…

-oOo-

I have just read over this again.  Jayzus, what a load of bollix!

Six real words -

• Narky
• Grumpy
• Irrascible
• Thirsty
• Intolerant
• Accurate [I can take out an Oriental at 500 yards every time]

There.  That’s better.

Brianf – You’ll get yours!  I have better things to be doing.

Four jobs I’ve held:
Tomato picker
Cafe manager
Cable television planner
Computer programmer [COBOL]

Four movies I’ve watched over and over again:
Name any four.
With my memory, I can watch a film repeatedly, and not realise until the end that I have seen it before.
Or maybe it’s not my memory – just that films are so forgettable?

Four places I’ve been:
Prison
Gouffre de Padirac 
Alpha Centauri 
Soho

Four places I’ve lived:
Dublin
Up the mountains
That’s enough for me

Four TV shows I watch:
Whatever Herself is watching

Four radio shows I listen to:
I just put on the radio at random
Classic FM
Lyric FM

Four things I look forward to: 
Spring 
Long days 
A visit from the grandchildren 
Finishing The Book

Four favourite foods:
Vindaloo curry
Vindaloo curry
Vindaloo curry
Vindaloo curry

Four places I’d rather be:
1971
1972
1973
1974

Four people I e-mail regularly:

Clients who haven’t paid their bills.

I saw it first on Sabrina Dent’s site, and for the first time my interest was perked.

You have to create a CD Cover for the first release of your band.  Obviously you need a band and a title, so this is how you go about it……

• Go here. The first article title on the page is the name of your band.
• Go here. The last four words of the very last quote is the title of your album.
• Go here. The third picture, no matter what it is, will be your album cover.

I didn’t expect to be caught with this one, as I am a scribbler, not an artist.

But I was. 

As usual, it was an item of women’s underwear that was my downfall.  Olga the Travelling Bra tagged me.

So here is my effort….

For those of you who are wondering, apparently Gmina Biskupice is a place in Poland.

But who cares?  I’m sure sales of my CD will go very well.

I will only tag K8 the GR8 with this one, because she is good at art, though anyone else can have a go.  For once, it’s fun.

K8 – Let’s see what you can do with Microsoft Paint.

The hoor.

Ze rulez:

Post 5 links to 5 of your previously written posts. The posts have to relate to the 5 key words given here (family, friend, yourself, your love, anything you like).
Tag 5 other friends to do this meme. Try to tag at least 2 new acquaintances (if not, your current blog buddies will do) so that you get to know them each a little bit better.

Considering that nearly the entire blog is about those five keywords, that’s not easy.

FAMILY – This is a tricky one, because I haven’t done one on the family as a whole [or even in a hole].  So I picked LaughingBoy because he doesn’t get enough mentions.

FRIEND – Another tricky one, as I don’t believe in blogging about my friends.  They might be offended.

YOURSELF – What?  Just read the f*cking blog!  I took a post at random.

YOUR LOVE – A toss up between Herself and Sandy.  Herself has her own blog which she doesn’t write any more, and I wrote about Sandy yesterday.

ANYTHING YOU LIKE – Oh b*ll*x!  Another one taken at random.

Now I have to pick five suckers to carry the can.

Go on Mr. Sweetnam.  You know you want to.

How about the Rule Clan at Eire Rules?  I haven’t hammered them before?

Come on English Mum!  If you don’t want to, then let Bertie have a go.

I have never tagged an item of women’s underwear before so Olga the Travelling Bra – It’s your chance!!

And finally, Sue Doe-Nim, just to prove I keep an eye on you.

I am supposed to e-mail my friends and they are to write back and tell me what they think of me.

That could be very dangerous, even supposing they bothered to write back.

I decided to try it though. So I wrote out a quick mail ..

Dear [fill in as appropriate]

I have been asked to ask you what you think of me.

Please be honest.

Yours faithfully

Grandad

The replies I got back

-oOo-

Dear Grandad,

A fine upstanding specimen of your species. One of my better efforts.

Eternally yours

God

-oOo-

Dear Grandad,

I don’t know how yourself and Osama do it, but we’ll find you yet.

George W Bush
President of the Free World

-oOo-

Dear Grandad

Fuck you.

Mary Harney

-oOo-

Dear Grandad,

Are you one of dem peeple who gave me a dig out? If yiz are, de check is in de post. Say nuttin at de tribyounal.

Your friend [and don't deny it]

Bertie Ahern

-oOo-

Dear Grandad

You’re a cunt

Twenty Major

-oOo-

Dear Grandad

You were fantastic. I have never seen such a big one.

Glenda Gilson
XXXXX

-oOo-

So there you have it. Some people didn’t reply, like Idi Amin and Sharon Ní Bheoláin, but they are probably busy.

I won’t be so nasty as to pass it on. I’m nice like that.