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New traffic regulations to come into effect

Grandad March 2nd, 2010

Transport Minister Noel Dempsey has announced a series of new regulations which are to come into effect in the very near future.

Following on the report from the Road Safety Authority that one third of all road deaths are work related, he announced from his holiday on Bondi Beach that new measures were required to cut the carnage on our roads. “If one life can be saved, it will be worth it” he said.

The new legislation will ban any driver from using his or her car with the express intention of doing work. It is not yet clear if this legislation will include drivers who use their vehicles to drive to or from work, but it is expected to.

When contacted in his holiday villa in Malta, the minister stated that there would be exceptions to the new laws. “As people will be forbidden from driving to or from work, we have to provide additional public transport. Bus and taxi drivers will of course be considered as special cases.”

When asked about the inconsistency of this exception the minister, who was in Thailand at the time, replied that there would be no exceptions to the use of vehicles. “Bus and taxi drivers may continue to carry out their duties, but will, under the new laws be obliged to use bicycles”.

Noel Brett, Chief Executive of the Road Safety Authority welcomed the introduction of the new legislation. “Work related driving accidents cost millions of lives every day in this country” he said. “It is a well known fact, widely accepted by the scientific community that a van driver will kill at least a hundred people in the course of a week.” When challenged on the veracity of his figures, he retorted “what are you? Some kind of killer loving, child hating maniac?”

After intensive lobbying, Postal Workers have negotiated an exemption for themselves and will be allowed to continue delivering the post. They will however be restricted to a speed limit of 2 kilometres per hour on all roads.

Gay Byrne is said to be delirah and excirah at the new legislation

Life and death in the fast lane

Grandad February 3rd, 2010

It really is amazing how people can be brainwashed into believing a bad theory.

For years now, be have been told that the major cause of deaths on the road is speeding.

That is a load of unadulterated crap.

Speeding rarely causes an accident. Speeding rarely causes a death. What causes accidents and death is bad or careless driving. If speed caused accidents, then surely the Formula One circuits would be a bloodbath? The reason they are not is that the drivers know what they are doing. They know their own and their machine’s limits, and accidents happen on the race track because those limits are pushed to the extreme.

There was a sad case in the North where a scumbag smashed into a car driven by a 64 year old, who was killed, along with the scumbags passenger. The victim’s widow is appealing for people to slow down, which shows how she has fallen for the propaganda.

Let’s look at the facts. Scumbag bought the car [an Audi A4] for only £500 because he knew it was stolen. He had 23 previous convictions including stealing cars, assault, possession of knives and robbery. He is a bottom feeder. He caused that accident because he was reckless, and was showing off his stolen car to his pal, who I hope was suitable impressed, seeing as he is now in the afterlife.

Scumbag, incidentally only got five years. He will be out in half that time and back stealing cars and creating mayhem again.

I have the best part of forty years driving experience. I have had accidents but considering I must have driven close on half a million miles by now, that’s not surprising. I can guarantee you that I could drive around Dublin without having an accident, while completely ignoring all speed limits. I could do over 100 on some roads and would probably fail to even reach the limit on others, simply because I adapt my speed to the conditions and potential hazards.

Yesterday, just as an experiment I tried driving at 30Kmph. I found it extremely difficult. I was forced into driving in second gear which is not only a strain on the car but also probably uses more petrol – therefore more fumes and pollution. As a limit, it is sensible in a housing area where there are narrow streets and children playing, but on a main road it is abysmally absurd. To have to drive for two miles without exceeding that limit would be painful, and difficult.

Speed limits serve one function only, and that is to provide a very handy cash flow for the government. Fining someone for doing 70 in a 60 limit where there is no danger whatsoever of an accident is morally wrong. I can see the new Dublin limit being a very nice little cash-cow for the government. I can see why they want to introduce it in Cork and Galway.

Arseholes.

Everyone should read this

Grandad January 14th, 2010

I find it deeply disheartening.

I go to the trouble of imparting my wisdom of the ages, day after day for your enlightenment and guidance. Here is the voice of experience – the result of a lifetime of trial and error – and do you listen?

No.

I have discovered to my amazement that not everyone reads this site. I would have thought that after three and a half years of writing ~~shite~~ invaluable wisdom, it would be the first port of call for everyone on the planet, but apparently not. If you don’t read this site, then it’s your loss. But then if you don’t read this site, then you won’t know I have told you that it’s your loss. See now what you are missing?

A mere week ago I wrote about the dangers of over reliance on satellite navigation systems. It was very sound piece, based on at lest five minutes research that was a salutary warning to all would be travellers. Apparently there were some idiots out there who didn’t read the piece.

A television crew from Sky had to be rescued when their Sat Nav sent them through mountain passes and into a 4ft snow drift.

They ended up stuck in deep snow and tried to dig themselves out but ended up alerting gardai about 5pm. The mountain rescue team was called in and within an hour had located the Sky crew. It took two hours to rescue them.

You would think that a meeja crew would have the sense to read my site? They, who couldn’t be arsed to read the definitive authority on all things life related call themselves media savvy? Fucking idiots. They should have been left there to freeze.

Now, if they had read my site, they would have known better than to rely on a SatNav to find their way through the mountains.

There again, if they had read my site, they would have known better than to ask directions from an old fella with a beard and pipe in the first place.

Heh!

Just follow the instructions

Grandad January 7th, 2010

You have to laugh.

I saw this on the RTE web site -

Gardaí in Offaly are asking people not to use Sat Navs following incidents where several motorists have ended up stranded in snow in the Slieve Bloom Mountains having been directed by Sat Nav.

Apparently people are finding the main roads impassable due to snow and ice, and are asking their SatNavs for an alternative route. Normally, that would be a logical conclusion, and I have used that facility to great effect myself in the past.

But think about it….

If the main roads are impassable, why would the side roads, and back roads be any better? In fact I can guarantee they are infinitely worse.

Modern society though has been brought up to rely completely on technology, and even worse, to obey any instruction they are given without any thought. It has reached a state where people are not capable of thinking for themselves at all. They blindly follow instructions even though those instructions are patently stupid.

There is a very simple answer to this.

I would suggest that they include a new section in the driving test.

The new section would involve a SatNav system in the test car. The SatNav would give them clear and concise instructions. It would direct them up a main road. It would tell them to turn right at the next junction. It would tell them to proceed for the next five miles. They would pass warning signs telling them that it is unsafe to proceed, and that to do so would be fatal.

It would instruct them to drive off the top of a five hundred foot cliff.

I think that would sort the wheat from the chaff? I don’t think there would be any appeals against a failed test?

The Darwin Theory at its best.

Heh!

Lacking that vital spark

Grandad December 19th, 2009

I noticed the car was a little sluggish when starting it yesterday morning.

I was going to Puppychild’s school play, which is important, so I didn’t have time to do anything about it.

Puppychild being an angel for a change.

The car drove perfectly to the school, and started perfectly after, so I didn’t think any more about it. Batteries can sometimes be temperamental, especially when it is as cold as it was yesterday.

Last night I went for a few pints. It was a pleasant evening. The pints flowed, the chat was good and a merry evening was had by all. Until it was time to go home again.

The fucking car battery was as dead as a dodo.

There is nothing worse than being stuck in the village with a dead car in the small hours of the morning. What was worse, Spanner wasn’t around and he was the only person around with jump leads. What the fuck was I to do?

I did the only sensible thing.

There was a car there. I don’t know who owned it, but it wasn’t one of the regulars so I ‘borrowed’ it. You can take it from me that it is not the easiest thing to hot-wire a car when you have around eight pints on you and your fingers are frozen to the marrow. I don’t know how I did it, to be honest.

I returned that car this morning [it was a heap of shite anyway]. Spanner was around so we jump started mine, and it is now sitting in the front garden with the battery charger running flat out.

I fucking hate winter.