Archive for the 'Politics' Category

Hitting a moving target

Grandad April 11th, 2008

Dring.. Dring.. Dring..

Hello?

Hello.  May I speak with God please?

Sorry.  He’s not available at the moment.  This is Saint Peter here. May I be of assistance?

Howya, Pete.  It’s Grandad.

Ah, Grandad!  I won’t ask how you are because we already know.  I know God would love a chat but He’s very busy at the moment.

That’s unusual?

It is a bit.  Twenty eight of our main servers crashed earlier while trying to compute Dubya’s sins, misdemeanours, immoralities and other such infractions.

Wow!  But I thought you lot were all powerful and all knowing and didn’t need computers?

Normally, yes, but Dubya was beyond even our powers.  God is down there at the moment, up to His oxters in cables and disk drives.  The language is foul.

I’ll bet.  By the way, thanks for the snow this morning.  It was very pretty.

You’re more than welcome.  We’re arranging a bit of sunshine now as you’ll be going to the village later.

Will I?

Yup.  Is there a message I can pass on?

Yes.  Could you just tell God that that was a brilliant piece of marksmanship yesterday.  A moving target and all..

Ha ha! We all had a great laugh at that one.  It made Bertie crap himself, but you won’t hear about that on the news.

Great stuff!  It’ll teach him to go by train next time.

I’ll pass on your congratulations anyway.  He’ll be delighted.

Not half as delighted as we were.

Big Brother - Just Imagine

Grandad April 6th, 2008

Big Brother is alive and well.

And I’m not talking about some crappy television program.

I’m talking George Orwell and 1984.  He was 24 years out.

I checked a friend’s blog at Rantings Diversified.

Apparently, he has been blocked by Imagine.ie, so none of their clients can reach it without disabling a filter

bbrother

I have a couple of questions I would like answered.

  • Who gave Imagine permission to dictate what is appropriate on the Internet?
  • What are their criteria for deeming a site inappropriate?
  • Who gave them permission to block a site without the client’s consent?

I know the site that was blocked, and I know the bloke who writes it.  He can be outspoken in his writings, but so can a lot of us.  He was barred for this. [and I'm not taking the risk of being banned as well!!]

Is Imagine doing the American Government’s dirty work for them?

The Wages of Sin

Grandad April 2nd, 2008

If I were to avoid tax, I would be heavily penalised.

If I were to commit perjury I would probably face a term in prison.

But I’m not Bertie.

Let’s see what his penalties are going to be…….

[These calculations may be slightly wrong, but I don't think so]

First of all, he gets a little golden handshake of one and a half times a TD’s salary - €131,000

A lifetime pension of €128,782 per annum, index linked.  This is 60% of his new salary of €214,637.

In addition he gets €47,680 per annum, index linked.  This is half a TD’s salary of €95,363.

So the reward Bertie gets for perjury and tax avoidance?

A Golden Handshake of €308,000, and  €176,500 a year after that.

Not bad, huh?

Bertie Ahern vs The Mad Cow and Gormless

Grandad March 28th, 2008

Fist there was Bertie Ahern,  Graduate [suma cum laude] of the Haughey School of Economics.  He is an expert on deviousness, obfuscation and outright lying.

Then comes Mary ‘Mad Cow’ Harney.  Desperate for power, she politically distances herself from Ahern, and then crawls up his arse to support him in any way she can.

Finally we have John ‘Gormless’ Gormley.  Also desperate for power he allies himself with Ahern, and [like Mad Cow] decimates his party in the process.

If Ahern is the captain of the Titanic, then Mad Cow is the First Officer, and Gormless is Junior Petty Officer in charge of light bulbs.

Mad Cow and Gormless have finally realised that they have been sailing through the ice pack for some time and maybe it’s time to speak.

Do they ask the Captain to slow down?  No.  Do they ask him to keep a better watch?  No.  They demand in the severest terms [but only if he feels like it] that they would like him [if it's not too much trouble] to just mention [if he has a minute] why they are on the course that is set.

The iceberg they are heading for has half a million Euro written all over it.  But when you see an iceberg, the vast majority is still hidden deep in the murky waters of bank accounts, offshore investments and cash in the mattress.

Bertie is saying he will explain all when the Titanic arrives in New York.

 bertie_bush
..and then I left the cunt to take the flak while I came over here!

Bertie Ahern and mashed potatoes

Grandad February 27th, 2008

There are times, [not often, I grant you] when I am almost at a loss for words.

There is an event taking place tomorrow that I frankly find so bizarre that I feel either I am going insane, or else the rest of the world is.

A “performance artist” is being paid to come to Dublin.  This “performance artist” does things that frankly should have him confined to a nice comfortable well padded secure room for his own good.

Mark McGowan claims he is famous because “he once pushed a peanut along the road with his nose for 7 miles”.  Art?  Insanity?  I’ll let you choose.

Anyway, as I say, he is being paid to come to Dublin.  And what is he going to do tomorrow?  Wait for it…..  This is a classic…..

In an extra ordinary art performance, artist Mark McGowan is to dress up as the An Taoiseach Bertie Ahern and crawl on his hands and knees, while attempting to pull an incredible 300 kilos of potatoes (in a large bulk aggregate bag attached to his leg by a piece of string), along the road for an amazing 4 miles, in Dublin, Ireland. The intention is to show the people of Ireland the difficulties and struggles of being the Irish Leader, he has the weight of Ireland along with his own personal problems, such as the Mahon Inquiry to deal with, and this performance is an attempt to show everyone just how hard it is being Bertie Ahern.

What the fuck?

So this little wanker is going to crawl four miles along a road in support of that lying little toe-rag, and he is being paid out of public money?

I am going to do my own bit of “performance art”.

I have hired myself a small lorry.

earthmover

I shall be driving through Dublin tomorrow.

I will let Mark McGowan do a proper impression of Bertie - as a nasty little stain in the gutters of Drumcondra.

Mashed potatoes, anyone?

Slainte

Grandad February 19th, 2008

So John Gormley Gormless, our dear Minister for the Environment and Limp Lettuce Leaf has spoken yet again.

Forget Al Gore.  Forget the Kyoto Protocol.  Gormless is single handedly saving the world from Global Warming all by himself.

He is taxing high emission vehicles.  He is banning patio heaters.  He is banning incandescent bulbs.

He is now asking us to stop drinking bottled water.

You see, bottled water comes in plastic bottles, and they are causing havoc.  We use too many of them.  We must drink tap water instead because it is just as good.

Let’s wind the clock back to last summer, John.  Do you remember Galway?  Do you remember how Galway city and half of East Galway County had infected water that was undrinkable for months?  You must have forgotten about that.

But do you remember back to more recent times, John?  In fact it was only three weeks ago that you were worried about a report that said that 36% [yes - over a third] of our water supplies were hazardous with cryptosporidium or E.coli.

However, I suppose poisoning a third of the population is a small price to pay so that Gormless can feel he is pushing the green agenda.

So I ask you all to raise a glass to John.

dirty-water

Sláinte.
[which, in case you have forgotten, John, translates as 'Health']

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