Archive for the 'Politics' Category

Where is Cavan?

Grandad February 9th, 2008

Dear Bertie Ahern,

I have been following with interest your speeches, which I have read and watched on Damien Mulley’s site.

I’m not sure what the hell those speeches are about because you are rambling around like a whippet on the trail of a rat.

I gather it’s something to do with broadband, foreign companies and the standard of our education?  Quite frankly, your speech and grammar are so bad that I haven’t a clue what the hell you are on about.  Whatever great educational system we have in this country, it is patently obvious that you never availed of it.

As a gesture of good will, I would like to give you a little lesson.

Ireland is a country that consists of 26 counties.  I won’t list them all, because I know that would confuse you.  Northern Ireland [that you talk about so much] has 6 counties.

You are supposed to be the leader of the 26 counties bit.  That is called The Republic.  Got that?  Good.

Now one of the 26 counties [Republic?  Remember?] is Cavan.  Yes.  It is in the Republic.  It is not one of the other 6.

I know this is terribly confusing, but when you’ll find you’ll get the hang of it when you get up to Primary Certificate level.

Now I am going to show you a special picture that’s called a map.  It is a picture of Ireland and it shows you the places that you are supposed to be running.  They are all coloured.  The white bit at the top is Northern Ireland, and you can ignore that for now [like the rest of us do].

map-ireland

Now.  Do you see that bit towards the top that has a red line around it?  Good.  That is CAVAN.  It even says the word inside the red line.  And you can see that it’s not white, so it must be in the Republic of Ireland.  Yes - the country is bigger than you thought.  You must be happy.

This must be very hard on you because of your extremely limited intelligence, but I don’t really want you making a fool of yourself again in front of everyone.

I hope this has been of some help.

Yours,

Grandad

P.S.  Next week we’ll start on grammar.

G

New legislation to reduce personal debt

Grandad February 4th, 2008

The government is becoming increasingly concerned at the level of personal debt in this country.

Borrowing has risen to an unprecedented high, with debt now running at over twice the national income.

The government commissioned a study that showed that the vast majority of this debt was down to the phenomenon known as ‘retail therapy’.  This little understood phenomenon causes women to spend money for no apparent reason other than self gratification.

Mary Hegarty of 15 The Glade, Tipperstown, Co Dublin, who wishes to remain anonymous is quoted as saying “I don’t know what I’m going to do.  I have debts of €247,000 that my husband doesn’t know about.  I have 12,356 pairs of shoes that are all the wrong size, but I have to keep spending.  I am so depressed.”  With that, Mary [which is her real name] headed off to Liffey Valley Shopping Centre with a new credit card to cheer herself up.

A government spokesman has pointed out that should the financial institutions decide to call in the debts, that every man woman and child will have to work for two years, handing over their entire wages to the institutions.  “It is unlikely that many people will survive for two years without food” he said.

To try to limit this excessive spending the Minister for Finance, Brian Cowan is to introduce emergency legislation which will come into effect on the 1st of April this year.  From that date, every woman must be accompanied by her spouse or partner when paying for goods.  All credit cards issued to women are to be withdrawn and cash must be used instead. “If you don’t have it, you can’t spend it,” Mr Cowan said.

When asked about the expected backlash from women he said “They brought it on themselves.  Men are sensible and have a natural aversion to shops.  This ‘retail therapy’ is nothing more than spending for the sake of spending.  It must be stopped.”

The legislation is expected to lead to massive job losses in the fashion and accessory trade.  “That’s their tough shit,” said Cowan. “They are cashing in on the women of Ireland and selling stuff that is priced out of all proportion.  Why have a Gucci handbag when a plastic bag will do the same job?”

No one from beaut.ie was available for comment.

The Pinocchio syndrome

Grandad January 18th, 2008

I watched a bit of the news last night.

There was an article on about our Great Leader, who is over in Africa single-handedly saving the place, and doubtless picking up some backhanders in the process.

Normally I don’t look too closely at Bertie.  I find his pudgy face singularly unattractive.  His piggy eyes and artificial smile annoy me.  Of all our past leaders, himself and Charles J had the least trustworthy faces.

But I couldn’t help but notice something.

Now, I’m not joking.  I’m not making this up for the sake of something to write about.  But has anyone noticed his nose?

I swear it’s getting bigger.  Longer?

Has it anything to do with the Mahon Tribunal?

berties_nose

Roadmap for Bertie

Grandad December 19th, 2007

Dubya is always on about roadmaps.

He has his roadmap for Israel and his roadmap for Iraq.

I thought it was about time Bertie had a roadmap.  Because we don’t want him to feel left out.  And it might help him find out where he’s going.

So I made him one.

  roadmap  
Click to enlarge

I hope he can use it to find his way.

He seems to be lost now.

Read this Harney

Grandad December 12th, 2007

Nearly a year ago, I wrote about the appalling state of our health service.

What has changed since?

Actually quite a lot has happened.

A few hospitals have closed.  MRSA is rampant in the remaining hospitals. They had the mighty cock up where women who had been given the all clear had to be recalled to be told they had breast cancer.  A few more people have died.  Seventeen billion has been pumped into the system and vanished.

And Mary Harney has congratulated herself and accepted a massive pay hike.

I have been following an unfolding story for the last couple of months over at Avoiding Life One Post at a Time.  I have been reading it with mounting horror and disgust.

The story starts in October - Girl Trouble and the Irish Health System.  Note that this is October the 24th - Nearly two months ago.

We move on a couple of weeks to Health Update.  Here is a young woman who urgently need tests and so far has gotten nowhere.

By December the 1st she is Still Waiting.  At this stage she still hasn’t even got an appointment.

By yesterday [December the 11th] she says There seems to be a bit of interest…  But not from the health service.

Today she writes I am Overwhelmed…  She is overwhelmed by the response from the blogging community; not the health service.

Harney keeps saying that there is no crisis.  She keeps blaming the Health Services Executive.  The HSE blames the consultants.  The consultants blame lack of funds and bad management.

The health service is in a state of crisis.  It used to work.  It was inefficient, but it worked.  Harney has ripped it asunder, and now it hardly works at all.  As "Minister for Health" she is ultimately responsible for the state of the health service, whether she likes it or not.  If she were running a business in this manner, she would have been fired years ago.  She is a disgrace to herself, her country and her gender.

I will leave this rant by quoting a couple of extracts from the blog..

"…..I am still waiting for an appointment with the breast people. I’m still bleeding and still have some other stuff going on. No one cares."

"If Mary Harney found a lump in her breast would she be waiting this long? I think not.  I am angry and frustrated and I don’t know where to go from here.   Shit…"

All smoke and daggers

Grandad December 12th, 2007

no_u_turn u-turn
November December

 

So the duplicitous hypocritical little fuck has discovered that the finances aren’t in as good a shape as he thought.

Or so he says.

This has nothing to do with the uproar when he granted himself a pay rise that was greater than most people’s annual salaries.

It might have to do with granting himself a 17% pay rise and then urging pay restraint though, and the negotiations happen to be just around the corner.

He’s clapping himself on the back and saying how magnanimous he is. But all he is doing is putting off the day for a mere nine months.

That little shit is only interested in money. He is nicely building up his pension to top up the back-handers and the cash stolen from party funds.

He claims he is entitled to it because an independent commission recommended it. Isn’t it strange how many pay rises have been recommended for others, but he has refused them on the grounds that the country can’t afford it?

If he had any shred of decency he would refuse the increase outright, as others have done.

But he hasn’t an iota of integrity. He doesn’t know the meaning of decency.

He is a money grubbing little gangster, just like his predecessor.

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