Archive for the 'Politics' Category

The Wages of Sin

Grandad April 2nd, 2008

If I were to avoid tax, I would be heavily penalised.

If I were to commit perjury I would probably face a term in prison.

But I’m not Bertie.

Let’s see what his penalties are going to be…….

[These calculations may be slightly wrong, but I don't think so]

First of all, he gets a little golden handshake of one and a half times a TD’s salary - €131,000

A lifetime pension of €128,782 per annum, index linked.  This is 60% of his new salary of €214,637.

In addition he gets €47,680 per annum, index linked.  This is half a TD’s salary of €95,363.

So the reward Bertie gets for perjury and tax avoidance?

A Golden Handshake of €308,000, and  €176,500 a year after that.

Not bad, huh?

Bertie Ahern vs The Mad Cow and Gormless

Grandad March 28th, 2008

Fist there was Bertie Ahern,  Graduate [suma cum laude] of the Haughey School of Economics.  He is an expert on deviousness, obfuscation and outright lying.

Then comes Mary ‘Mad Cow’ Harney.  Desperate for power, she politically distances herself from Ahern, and then crawls up his arse to support him in any way she can.

Finally we have John ‘Gormless’ Gormley.  Also desperate for power he allies himself with Ahern, and [like Mad Cow] decimates his party in the process.

If Ahern is the captain of the Titanic, then Mad Cow is the First Officer, and Gormless is Junior Petty Officer in charge of light bulbs.

Mad Cow and Gormless have finally realised that they have been sailing through the ice pack for some time and maybe it’s time to speak.

Do they ask the Captain to slow down?  No.  Do they ask him to keep a better watch?  No.  They demand in the severest terms [but only if he feels like it] that they would like him [if it's not too much trouble] to just mention [if he has a minute] why they are on the course that is set.

The iceberg they are heading for has half a million Euro written all over it.  But when you see an iceberg, the vast majority is still hidden deep in the murky waters of bank accounts, offshore investments and cash in the mattress.

Bertie is saying he will explain all when the Titanic arrives in New York.

 bertie_bush
..and then I left the cunt to take the flak while I came over here!

Bertie Ahern and mashed potatoes

Grandad February 27th, 2008

There are times, [not often, I grant you] when I am almost at a loss for words.

There is an event taking place tomorrow that I frankly find so bizarre that I feel either I am going insane, or else the rest of the world is.

A “performance artist” is being paid to come to Dublin.  This “performance artist” does things that frankly should have him confined to a nice comfortable well padded secure room for his own good.

Mark McGowan claims he is famous because “he once pushed a peanut along the road with his nose for 7 miles”.  Art?  Insanity?  I’ll let you choose.

Anyway, as I say, he is being paid to come to Dublin.  And what is he going to do tomorrow?  Wait for it…..  This is a classic…..

In an extra ordinary art performance, artist Mark McGowan is to dress up as the An Taoiseach Bertie Ahern and crawl on his hands and knees, while attempting to pull an incredible 300 kilos of potatoes (in a large bulk aggregate bag attached to his leg by a piece of string), along the road for an amazing 4 miles, in Dublin, Ireland. The intention is to show the people of Ireland the difficulties and struggles of being the Irish Leader, he has the weight of Ireland along with his own personal problems, such as the Mahon Inquiry to deal with, and this performance is an attempt to show everyone just how hard it is being Bertie Ahern.

What the fuck?

So this little wanker is going to crawl four miles along a road in support of that lying little toe-rag, and he is being paid out of public money?

I am going to do my own bit of “performance art”.

I have hired myself a small lorry.

earthmover

I shall be driving through Dublin tomorrow.

I will let Mark McGowan do a proper impression of Bertie - as a nasty little stain in the gutters of Drumcondra.

Mashed potatoes, anyone?

Slainte

Grandad February 19th, 2008

So John Gormley Gormless, our dear Minister for the Environment and Limp Lettuce Leaf has spoken yet again.

Forget Al Gore.  Forget the Kyoto Protocol.  Gormless is single handedly saving the world from Global Warming all by himself.

He is taxing high emission vehicles.  He is banning patio heaters.  He is banning incandescent bulbs.

He is now asking us to stop drinking bottled water.

You see, bottled water comes in plastic bottles, and they are causing havoc.  We use too many of them.  We must drink tap water instead because it is just as good.

Let’s wind the clock back to last summer, John.  Do you remember Galway?  Do you remember how Galway city and half of East Galway County had infected water that was undrinkable for months?  You must have forgotten about that.

But do you remember back to more recent times, John?  In fact it was only three weeks ago that you were worried about a report that said that 36% [yes - over a third] of our water supplies were hazardous with cryptosporidium or E.coli.

However, I suppose poisoning a third of the population is a small price to pay so that Gormless can feel he is pushing the green agenda.

So I ask you all to raise a glass to John.

dirty-water

Sláinte.
[which, in case you have forgotten, John, translates as 'Health']

Where is Cavan?

Grandad February 9th, 2008

Dear Bertie Ahern,

I have been following with interest your speeches, which I have read and watched on Damien Mulley’s site.

I’m not sure what the hell those speeches are about because you are rambling around like a whippet on the trail of a rat.

I gather it’s something to do with broadband, foreign companies and the standard of our education?  Quite frankly, your speech and grammar are so bad that I haven’t a clue what the hell you are on about.  Whatever great educational system we have in this country, it is patently obvious that you never availed of it.

As a gesture of good will, I would like to give you a little lesson.

Ireland is a country that consists of 26 counties.  I won’t list them all, because I know that would confuse you.  Northern Ireland [that you talk about so much] has 6 counties.

You are supposed to be the leader of the 26 counties bit.  That is called The Republic.  Got that?  Good.

Now one of the 26 counties [Republic?  Remember?] is Cavan.  Yes.  It is in the Republic.  It is not one of the other 6.

I know this is terribly confusing, but when you’ll find you’ll get the hang of it when you get up to Primary Certificate level.

Now I am going to show you a special picture that’s called a map.  It is a picture of Ireland and it shows you the places that you are supposed to be running.  They are all coloured.  The white bit at the top is Northern Ireland, and you can ignore that for now [like the rest of us do].

map-ireland

Now.  Do you see that bit towards the top that has a red line around it?  Good.  That is CAVAN.  It even says the word inside the red line.  And you can see that it’s not white, so it must be in the Republic of Ireland.  Yes - the country is bigger than you thought.  You must be happy.

This must be very hard on you because of your extremely limited intelligence, but I don’t really want you making a fool of yourself again in front of everyone.

I hope this has been of some help.

Yours,

Grandad

P.S.  Next week we’ll start on grammar.

G

New legislation to reduce personal debt

Grandad February 4th, 2008

The government is becoming increasingly concerned at the level of personal debt in this country.

Borrowing has risen to an unprecedented high, with debt now running at over twice the national income.

The government commissioned a study that showed that the vast majority of this debt was down to the phenomenon known as ‘retail therapy’.  This little understood phenomenon causes women to spend money for no apparent reason other than self gratification.

Mary Hegarty of 15 The Glade, Tipperstown, Co Dublin, who wishes to remain anonymous is quoted as saying “I don’t know what I’m going to do.  I have debts of €247,000 that my husband doesn’t know about.  I have 12,356 pairs of shoes that are all the wrong size, but I have to keep spending.  I am so depressed.”  With that, Mary [which is her real name] headed off to Liffey Valley Shopping Centre with a new credit card to cheer herself up.

A government spokesman has pointed out that should the financial institutions decide to call in the debts, that every man woman and child will have to work for two years, handing over their entire wages to the institutions.  “It is unlikely that many people will survive for two years without food” he said.

To try to limit this excessive spending the Minister for Finance, Brian Cowan is to introduce emergency legislation which will come into effect on the 1st of April this year.  From that date, every woman must be accompanied by her spouse or partner when paying for goods.  All credit cards issued to women are to be withdrawn and cash must be used instead. “If you don’t have it, you can’t spend it,” Mr Cowan said.

When asked about the expected backlash from women he said “They brought it on themselves.  Men are sensible and have a natural aversion to shops.  This ‘retail therapy’ is nothing more than spending for the sake of spending.  It must be stopped.”

The legislation is expected to lead to massive job losses in the fashion and accessory trade.  “That’s their tough shit,” said Cowan. “They are cashing in on the women of Ireland and selling stuff that is priced out of all proportion.  Why have a Gucci handbag when a plastic bag will do the same job?”

No one from beaut.ie was available for comment.

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