Archive for the 'Rants' Category

It’s over but it hasn’t started yet

Grandad July 7th, 2008

I switched on the television last night to watch a programme.

I should have known better.

Fucking tennis.

I used to like watching Wimbledon.  Back in the 60s it was the era of the amateur.  It was the era of Newcombe and Laver.  Billie Jean King ruled supreme.  In 1969 they fucked it up by allowing professionals in.

So now the players are truly remote from the likes of you and me.  They spend their weeks in the gymnasium and training until ultimately they cease to be tennis players, and become tennis playing machines.  They are honed to perfection and are soulless.

I watched it for a bit.  I watched them swap rackets because the Titanium was getting warm or the laser sights needed retuning.  I listened to them grunt as they tried to break the sound barrier with each serve.  I wasn’t impressed with the fancy footwork or the incredibly well placed shots, because I knew they had practiced each shot a million times.

Of course, seeing as it was sport, it took precedence and my programme was cancelled. 

Wankers.

In this digital age there is a clatter of television channels dedicated to sport.  Why the hell can’t they be used? 

At last Wimbledon is over.  The endless football has finished.

Now we have the fucking Olympics breathing down our necks.

Oh God!

Nice

Grandad June 25th, 2008

I distrust people who are nice all the time.  I particularly distrust people who are nice about other people all the time.

Either they are liars or they are naive.

That’s one of the reasons I married Herself.  She is never nice.  Ever.

Nobody is nice all the time, unless they are zonked out on something pharmaceutical.

Today is one of my days for being particularly nasty.

I’m in foul form.  I have a headache, a pain in my arse and I’m tired.  I feel like killing something.

I was going to pick a blog at random and tear it to shreds, but that’s no fun.  Anyway it has been tried before, and all they got was praise.  More people being nice.

Then I toyed with the idea of getting a photo of Brian Cowan and Photoshopping it to make him ugly.  But nature has beaten me to it.

I might go out later to the village.  It’s a few days since I pissed off some tourists.  Maybe that’s what I need?

Or I might go out and hack down some trees [preferably someone else's].

Or I might go into town and help old ladies across the road.  Of course, I’d abandon them half way just as the lights changed.

Anyone got any cute little kittens I can borrow, to tie tin cans to their tails?

I need cheering up.

But if anyone says anything nice….

Mayo Echo keeps up with the times

Grandad June 5th, 2008

The Mayo Echo has bowed to public pressure.

Having succeeded in closing down Castlebar.ie they have decided to revamp their own site.

In a statement yesterday, their editor commented that “if you can’t beat ‘em - join ‘em”.

A preview of their new site can be seen here.

The editor couldn’t be contacted today as it is believed that having discovered homosexuality, he is off cruising the local lakeside car parks in the hope of a bit of perversion.

See also:

Bock

Michele

Jazz Biscuit

Green Ink

Twenty

The Minefield of the Web

Grandad June 3rd, 2008

My browser of choice is Minefield.

minefield

For those of you who haven’t heard of it, it is the new Firefox 3 which is still in development.  It is brilliant.  It has all sorts of nice little features, but the nicest thing about it is its graphics rendering.  It is so much clearer and makes the worst of sites look better.

It is also fully compliant on web standards.

And that is its downfall.

Because there are a lot of sites out there that it can’t read because they aren’t compliant.

Last night I decided to book the ferry to France.  I had booked the holiday a while ago, so I thought it might be a good idea to be able to get there.

But first I had to do some tweaking to my bank account.

I connected to my bank, and up comes a firm but polite screen - “The Internet browser you are using is not supported“.  They then go on to tell me I should be using Internet Explorer [*spit*] or Firefox.  But I am using Firefox!

Luckily, I have a copy of Firefox 2 in my back pocket for such emergencies, so I fire it up and do my banking.

I switch back to Minefield and hook into the ferry site.

They have just redesigned their site at great expense and are very proud of it.

I have an account with them, but I want to use a different credit card.  Lou Kradner of San Francisco is paying for this jolly.  So I go to modify my account.

I click on the ‘Modify Account’ button, and it brings me to the Bookings page, which I don’t want.  I click on the ‘Bookings’ button, and that brings me to the previous page.

I eventually discover how to delete my card, which is good enough, and proceed with the booking.

I select my sailing dates and go through the process of booking cabins.  I am asked for my credit card details and I give them Lou Kradner’s.  Everything is fine.  I click on “Confirm Booking”.  Nothing happens.  Bollix!!

There is a little button on Minefield that normally glows green.  It was glowing red, so I clicked on it - errors all over the place!  It was no wonder it didn’t work.

There was nothing for it but to go back to Firefox 2.

That brought me through the whole process again, but this time it was looking for a lot more detail.  It was like a different site.  But this time all the buttons did what they were supposed to do.  I booked my sailings.  I can even tell you I am in cabin 6229 going over, and 9321 on the way back.

I was about to log off, when I noticed a survey about their new web site, and they are offering a free trip to a winner.  So I did the survey.

In the comments section at the bottom of the survey I told them that their brand new web site was a load of crap.  I told them why.  I told them that I hoped they had updated their ferries beyond the sailing days, because their web site certainly wasn’t up to date.  I told them their website was a load of shite and they should get a decent designer to redo the whole fucking thing.

I don’t think I’ll win that free trip.

Stop the world - Grandad wants to get off

Grandad April 17th, 2008

You all must think I’ve gone a bit soft lately.  Not one grump, grouch or gripe about the government or Dubya.

Apart from being very busy [I never knew retirement could be so hectic], I am just pissed off with giving out about them.

There is Dubya over there getting all cosy with the Pope and talking about the sanctity of human life?  What fucking planet is Dubya from?

Back home, we have Bertie scurrying back under his rock having screwed us all royally and leaving the country in an appalling mess.

Harney is still doing her best to kill people and close hospitals [very successfully, I might add].

Willie O’Dea has saved the country from every imaginable disaster by sending out booklets [I still haven't received mine].

Gormless has managed to insult China [not that they didn't deserve it], and justify selling out the Green Party because he has single handedly saved the planet [that's one up on O'Dea, who only saved the country] by forcing us to use CFL bulbs.

Pat The Plank has managed to confuse us all, and himself, by paying a massive price to his neighbour for a piece of land which he already owns [according to himself].

We are back to unemployment and inflation.  The housing market has collapsed.  Petrol and food prices are soaring. 

It’s no wonder I’m pissed off.

Time for another Prozac, I think.

PC is a computer

Grandad March 20th, 2008

I was browsing around the Interweb thingy as I tend to do while waking up in the morning.

One of my essential ports of call is Primal Sneeze.  I like his style.  I like his attitude.

Today he is on about Met Éireann [Irish Meteorological Service] and their use of the terms Holy Thursday, Good Friday and the like.

He says this is the Catholic Church being rammed down our throats.

“Good on ya!” I shout at Sneezy [as I affectionately call him], because I don’t like any religion being rammed down my throat.

But then I thought of the alternative.

This is perilously close to that ghastly world of the Politically Correct.

I hate that Politically Correct world.  It is bland and colourless.  You have to watch everything you say in case you might offend someone’s sensibilities.  Some poor sensitive little soul might be offended by the word Christmas; so we call it Winter Holiday.  Someone might have a nervous breakdown at the mention of St Patrick’s Day so we call it Green Day.

I feel sorry for these pathetic bastards who are so grossly offended by words [not you, Sneezy] that we have to tiptoe around in case they have a nervous breakdown. Call me a Mick, or a Paddy or a Red Neck Culchie.  Do I shrivel up and die?

Bring back golliwogs and the Lyon’s Tea Minstrels.  Let the building site be ruled by the foreman and not the foreperson.

If a woman chairs a meeting, does it remove her gender if we call her Chairman?

Bring back the Politically Incorrect.  Bring back the colour.  Let’s stop avoiding the cracks in the pavement.

Let’s have an International Politically Incorrect Day, and see what the Politically Correct try to call it.

And if you are offended by any of the above, then fuck off.

You snivelling little cry baby.

-oOo-

I have expanded on this post, as the Politically Correct have jumped on the bandwaggon and are accusing me of thing I never said.  Sad.

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