Head Rambles

Grandad March 10th, 2008

Bless me father, for I have sinned.

It is forty five years since my last confession.

What?

Yes.  I did say forty five years.  Stop whining.  You lucky I’m here now.  Now, where was I?  Oh yes…….

I have partaken of genetically modified food by eating seedless grapes. 

What?

White ones.  Stop fucking interrupting me.

I have lit countless bonfires, thereby destroying the environment.  I suppose you can add the fact that I own a car to that.

I have conducted a morally debatable scientific experiment by ramming a firework up a tourist’s arse. 

?

He asked for it.  I told you to stop interrupting.

Last week I aided a drug user by giving them a light outside the Alexander Hotel. 

In mitigation though, I don’t have a fortune of billions in the bank.  Nor have I buggered any children in the last few years.

?

No.  I don’t repent.  Do you?

Feck off then. 

See you in another forty five years….. 

• Religion?
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Grandad December 2nd, 2007

Now that December is here, I can talk about Christmas.

The big news is that it has been moved.

December the 25^th is no longer Christmas Day.

Starting from this year [so that we can conveniently ignore the upcoming one] Christmas Day now falls on September 11^th.

Why?

For a start, December 25^th has nothing whatsoever to do with the birth of Christ. Analysis of the bible and of astronomy [not astrology] shows that the most accurate estimate of the birth of Christ is between September 3^rd and September 11^th. The only reason it is celebrated in December is that the early Christians were jealous of the success of the Roman feast of Saturnalia, and the Pagan feast of Midwinter. So they decided to plonk Christmas in there, just to hi-jack it.

In fact, there is almost nothing Christian about Christmas. Christmas tree? Pagan. Holly and ivy? Pagan. Santa Claus? Coca Cola! You name it, it is probably Pagan in origin.

So let’s call Christmas for what it really is - a brash orgy of consumerism to celebrate mid-winter. I have no problem with that. I love December 21^st because it means the days are going to get longer, and spring is on it’s way.

Why pick September 11^th?

Why not? It is a hell of a lot more accurate than December, and it will have the added bonus of distracting the Americans from whinging about the World Trade Centre. [Get over it, lads - it was six years ago and other countries have suffered far worse atrocities].

I say it is a damn good idea.

What say you?

• Religion?
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Grandad November 11th, 2007

Our K8 has come up with a new meme.

And, bless her little cotton socks, she has passed it on to me.

She wants me to write a post that uses every tag. It’s all very well for her - she only has a few. I have loads. The cow!

Now I may be getting old but I find these difficult. I had a hard days blogging yesterday, as I had a good rant on a podcast to America. That was after I did my post on Cully and Sully.

So today I went for a ramble around the garden, trying to think of a topic. No go. There was no inspiration around the house either, and I’m damned if I’m going around the village or around the town for something so trivial.

Back in the 70’s life was a lot simpler. There were no computers or Internet, or even television so there were no memes. I had no irritating daughter in the family either. We found our pleasures in simple things. I remember learning to drive so we could go on holidays touring in the West, with no worries about flying and Global Warming. We had such simple sports as children in times past, like watching spiders spin their webs, and the designs they’d make. We’d go for rambles through the woods and have picnics of tea and spam sandwiches. We were a lot healthier for it.

Nowadays, work is the new religion and people have lost the use of their imagination. People only get worked up over celebrities and smoking out corrupt politicians. They panic over property prices and have lost sight of the soul of life.

No.

I can’t think of anything.

I elect not to do it.

I’m going to file this under Uncatagorised.

Maybe Sixty should have a bash at this?

Or how about Kirk at Just Thinkin’? I haven’t tagged him before.

And it’s a while since I annoyed Grannymar!!

F*cking memes….

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Grandad October 8th, 2007

In an unprecedented move, God is to sue America under international anti-trust and copyright legislation.

Head Rambles contacted the Heaven Press Office and arranged an interview with their spokesangel Gabriel.

HR: Thank you for speaking to us, Gay. Can you tell us what this is all about?

G: You’re welcome, Grandad. Yes. This move was taken because God has decided that enough is enough and the use of His name has to be protected.

HR: But I thought anyone is free to use the name of God?

G: Yes. But there are limits. America has breached the anti-trust legislation by claiming God as their own to the exclusion of all others.

HR: Can you elaborate?

G: Where do I start? The American insistence that they are “God’s own Country”? Their everyday naming of God in their war promoting anthem? The constant “God bless America”? They even have His name on their currency, which is a bit ironic considering His Son’s attitude to moneylenders in the Temple. He is sick and tired of it. The final straw came when that idiot leader of theirs started to claim he was starting wars because God told him to.

HR: But doesn’t every country claim that God is on their side?

G: Yes. But the Americans do it to extreme. They have breached copyright by appropriating God for themselves.

HR: Have you sought the opinion of the Pope on this matter?

G: Who?

HR: The Pope? The bloke in the Vatican?

G: Oh, him. He has nothing to do with us. You are confusing faith and religion. A common mistake. God gave you faith. You invented religion for yourselves. That has nothing to do with God.

HR: Do you not think this is a bit unfair? I mean God could have given them some indication that He was not happy with the situation.

G: Don’t make me laugh. They have had enough warnings. Mount Saint Helens volcano? Tornados? Hurricanes? The Oakland’s Earthquake? Drought? Floods? Blizzards? Hailstorms? What more do they want? San Francisco is next to go.

HR: But lots of counties suffer these disasters?

G: True. But how many countries suffer from all of them? That should have given the Americans a hint. We even concentrated on their so call “Bible Belt” but they still wouldn’t shut up. If anything, it made them worse.

HR: But other people commit atrocities in the name of religion?

G: Here you go with the ‘religion’ thing again. That has nothing to do with us.

HR: What do you think your chances are of success?

G: We know the outcome. We will win. Don’t forget - we can see the future.

HR: Well, thank you for your time, Gay. You have been very candid.

G: My pleasure, Grandad. You know God is a great fan of yours? You are on the top of His Feed Reader.

HR: Wow! I’m honoured. One last question though?

G: Fire away.

HR: How does God intend to take the oath if He is called to give evidence?

G: Good question! We’re still working on that one.

• America , Religion?
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Grandad September 9th, 2007

Apparently the Pope has blasted us for not having more children.

Why? What business is it of his?

He has also, in a surprise statement, slammed abortion.

In the same speech he reaffirms religious celibacy.

He seems to be a little confused.

From what I have seen in the past, the Church has been very vociferous in its anti-abortion stance, yet has been remarkably absent in providing any kind of support for unwanted children. Maybe if they removed their celibacy rule, they might find that bringing up a child in this day and age is not as easy as they might suppose.

If they want more children, why not remove their celibacy rule, and let the priests breed like rabbits [not that they do their best anyway, in a lot of cases]?

The Church has been criminal in the past with its treatment of the results of clerical abuse. They have ignored the victims, and have piled emotional trauma on top of physical and sexual abuse.

So why does the Pope want us to have more children?

Are they running out of supplies?

The Pope chooses his main course
from the a la carte menu

• Religion?
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Grandad August 10th, 2007

I mentioned the other day that I needed help with designing a website.

I was desparate.

That night, I gathered a list of all the deities I could find on Google.

I prayed like I never prayed before. I prayed to them all. Every God that had ever been invented. I’ll try anything once.

And it worked! I woke in the morning and things were a lot clearer. Suddenly all those weird thing you see when you view a web page’s source made a sort of sense. Amen to the power of prayer!

Then yesterday, I was happily programming away, and there was a ‘ping’ and a mail arrived in my inbox.

Nobody ever told me about this. I didn’t know you are billed by the minute? I know everyone calls themselves ‘consultants’ these days, but this is ridiculous.

You may think I am kidding; that I touched up the image above? I didn’t [apart from a bit of smudging].

I swear to God.

No I don’t.

I don’t want to be billed for that too.

• Religion? , Web design
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