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The cute kitten gets it

Grandad August 9th, 2011

Me: Howya God!

God: Howya Grandad.

Me: It’s been a while?

God: Has it? I wouldn’t know as time means nothing to me.

Me: I have a wee question.

God: Shoot.

Me: Does it bother you at all if I don’t believe in you?

God: Not in the slightest. There are plenty who do.

Me: I once heard a vicious rumour that any time someone stops believing in you, you consign a cute fluffy kitten to the fires of Hell.

God: Indeed I do.

Me: Aren’t you supposed to be an all loving God? That doesn’t exactly fit in with chucking cute fluffy kittens into the fire?

God: I’m all loving all right, but I just don’t like kittens.

Me: so if I start believing in you again, you will save a cute fluffy kitten from The Eternal Flame?

God: No chance. Once those fuckers go in, they stay in.

Me: What happens if you stop believing in me?

Bright flash. Loud bang.

Disembodied voice: OY!

Bright flash loud bang.

Me: That wasn’t funny.

God: Wasn’t it? I thought it was.

Me: that’s the trouble with you – you never play fair. You can never resist pulling one of your fancy stunts.

God: I have the power. It would be a shame not to use it.

Me: And you wonder why I don’t stop for a chat too often………..

Telling it like it is

Grandad July 21st, 2011

It’s not often I have a good word to say about a politician.

Usually the best I can muster is a grudging indifference.

Yesterday however, as I listened to our esteemed leader Dame Enda giving his speech in the Dail, I found myself [metaphorically] jumping up and down, and shouting “that’s my boy”.

From the time of its foundation this country has been effectively run by the Vatican. They shaped our constitution and our laws; they ran their “Magdalene Laundries” which were nothing more than slave labour camps and they treated Ireland as a fertile breeding ground for their paedophile priests who raped and buggered their way through our children for decades. They even dictated what we could read or watch in the cinema. For many many years the government and the media lived in fear of “the belt of the crozier” where they would be called to the archbishop’s palace and read the riot act for doing something that was displeasing to the Vatican.

No more.

Yesterday Dame Edna marked the Vatican’s cards for once and for all. He referred to “the dysfunction, disconnection, elitism….the narcissism that dominate the culture of the Vatican to this day.” He talked about how “the rape and torture of children were downplayed or ‘managed’ to uphold instead, the primacy of the institution, its power, standing and ‘reputation’.” In essence he told them to go fuck themselves.

Bearing in mind that this was technically one state talking about another, it was about as far as Dame Enda could go without rolling out the tanks. I have heard milder declarations of war.

I was raised as a Catholic and was indoctrinated from a very early age as to the standing of the Vatican. Then I began to think for myself and realised that faith and religion are two entirely separate things. The faith was Christianity but the religion was Big Business. And that Big Business revelled it its elitism, its power and its wealth.

It’s time now for Ireland to dump the full cost of the fiasco on the Vatican. Their carry on has cost this state millions in tribunals and compensation, not to mention the destroyed lives. Let them bear the cost. They can fucking well afford it. No more Mister Nice Guy. Let’s go the whole hog and issue a warrant for the arrest and extradition of the Pope for aiding and abetting the worlds largest paedophile ring.

Now that would be justice.

Can you smoke in Heaven?

Grandad September 24th, 2010

Last night I got into a wee debate with a friend.

We got onto the subject of Heaven and Hell, and quite frankly I ended up more confused than anything.

Assuming one believes in The Afterlife, then things get extremely messy.

Suppose that I go to Heaven [which is more than likely] and all my friends go to Hell [which is even more likely] then who am I to share a pint with Up There? Drinking on one’s own isn’t much fun, and I would miss my pals, leaving me unhappy which isn’t supposed to happen Up There.

What is the situation regarding smoking? To me, Heaven would be a place without any Smoking Nazis, but some [well, maybe one or two] may have led otherwise fairly good lives, and may warrant a trip Upwards rather than Downwards. What happens to them, when they come across me on my wee cloud, plucking my harp and enjoying a lovely pipe-full? Of course it would be heaven for them to have someone to castigate for all eternity, but it would be hell for me.

What about those people who are afraid of dogs? Heaven for them would be a canine-free zone, but I would have to have my Sandy with me, so how does that one work out?

It’s one of those fucking conundrums that gets worse the more you think about it.

What about climate? I don’t like things to be too hot, but there are those would would relish temperatures way above my comfort zone. Nobody ever taught me about these things which are, after all quite important. I was taught a whole load of shite in religion classes when I was at school, but no one ever told me the real facts about Heaven and Hell. I was just taught that Heaven was a nice place and Hell was all fire and agony. like having all my teeth extracted every day for all eternity. For some strange reason the Brothers who taught me seemed to have a much greater insight into Hell.

I think, on the whole it is easier to remain an atheist.

Time to end it all

Grandad September 20th, 2010

I had to go out yesterday, but before I got there I had to pass through the front door.

I found this lying on the floor under the letter-box.

suicide_note

It gave me a little turn as my first thought was that it was a suicide note, and I had this uncomfortable feeling that I was going to open the door and find a corpse, either hanging from the gutter, slowly twisting in the wind, or else lying on my lawn with its brains spoiling my nice crop of nettles and thistles.

On closer inspection I realised however that it was a pamphlet from some bunch of God Botherers.

Jayzus but it was miserable reading!

“For thousands of years, the human family has suffered greatly from wars, poverty, disasters, crime, injustice, sickness, and death. The past hundred years have seen more suffering than ever before. Will all of this ever end?”

Their wee missive was a morass of this misery. For a bunch who claim to be so fucking happy, they sound pretty miserable to me.

Their idea of perfection has me a little confused too. Do I really want to spend eternity living with a couple of indeterminate origin but politically correct people? Do I really want a fucking moose shitting all over my lawn? Quite frankly, it looks a bit American to me and I don’t really want to spend eternity listening to American accents and moronic American idioms [doubtless the couple spend their days telling each other how awesome heaven is?].

I have one little problem with these God Botherers. For as long as I can remember they have been telling me that the world is about to end and that I had better mend my ways immediately. It reminds me of the “jam tomorrow, jam yesterday but never jam today” bit from Alice in Wonderland. For sixty years, the world has been ending tomorrow, and it hasn’t happened yet, so they can fuck off. I’m going to carry on having fun.

I have reasonably well defined beliefs of my own. I won’t bother you with my philosophies, as there is nothing worse than someone inflicting their religious zeal on others. It has taken me six decades of soul searching, debate and argument to get to a point where I am content with my own little ‘religion’.

I can’t imagine how they expect a piece of paper to change all that?