God: Howya Grandad.

Me:  It’s been a while?

God:  Has it?  I wouldn’t know as time means nothing to me.

Me:  I have a wee question.

God:  Shoot.

Me:  Does it bother you at all if I don’t believe in you?

God:  Not in the slightest.  There are plenty who do.

Me:  I once heard a vicious rumour that any time someone stops believing in you, you consign a cute fluffy kitten to the fires of Hell.

God:  Indeed I do. 

Me:  Aren’t you supposed to be an all loving God?  That doesn’t exactly fit in with chucking cute fluffy kittens into the fire?

God: I’m all loving all right, but  I just don’t like kittens.

Me:   so if I start believing in you again, you will save a cute fluffy kitten from The Eternal Flame?

God:  No chance.  Once those fuckers go in, they stay in.

Me:  What happens if you stop believing in me?

Bright flash.  Loud bang.

Disembodied voice: OY!

Bright flash loud bang.

Me:  That wasn’t funny.

God:  Wasn’t it?  I thought it was.

Me:  that’s the trouble with you – you never play fair.  You can never resist pulling one of your fancy stunts.

God:  I have the power.  It would be a shame not to use it.

Me:  And you wonder why I don’t stop for a chat too often………..

Usually the best I can muster is a grudging indifference.

Yesterday however, as I listened to our esteemed leader Dame Enda giving his speech in the Dail, I found myself [metaphorically] jumping up and down, and shouting “that’s my boy”.

From the time of its foundation this country has been effectively run by the Vatican.  They shaped our constitution and our laws; they ran their “Magdalene Laundries” which were nothing more than slave labour camps and they treated Ireland as a fertile breeding ground for their paedophile priests who raped and buggered their way through our children for decades.  They even dictated what we could read or watch in the cinema.  For many many years the government and the media lived in fear of “the belt of the crozier” where they would be called to the archbishop’s palace and read the riot act for doing something that was displeasing to the Vatican.

No more.

Yesterday Dame Edna marked the Vatican’s cards for once and for all.  He referred to “the dysfunction, disconnection, elitism….the narcissism that dominate the culture of the Vatican to this day.”  He talked about how “the rape and torture of children were downplayed or ‘managed’ to uphold instead, the primacy of the institution, its power, standing and ‘reputation’.”  In essence he told them to go fuck themselves. 

Bearing in mind that this was technically one state talking about another, it was about as far as Dame Enda could go without rolling out the tanks.  I have heard milder declarations of war.

I was raised as a Catholic and was indoctrinated from a very early age as to the standing of the Vatican.  Then I began to think for myself and realised that faith and religion are two entirely separate things.  The faith was Christianity but the religion was Big Business.  And that Big Business revelled it its elitism, its power and its wealth.

It’s time now for Ireland to dump the full cost of the fiasco on the Vatican.  Their carry on has cost this state millions in tribunals and compensation, not to mention the destroyed lives.  Let them bear the cost.  They can fucking well afford it.  No more Mister Nice Guy.  Let’s go the whole hog and issue a warrant for the arrest and extradition of the Pope for aiding and abetting the worlds largest paedophile ring.

Now that would be justice.

We got onto the subject of Heaven and Hell, and quite frankly I ended up more confused than anything.

Assuming one believes in The Afterlife, then things get extremely messy.

Suppose that I go to Heaven [which is more than likely] and all my friends go to Hell [which is even more likely] then who am I to share a pint with Up There?  Drinking on one’s own isn’t much fun, and I would miss my pals, leaving me unhappy which isn’t supposed to happen Up There.

What is the situation regarding smoking?  To me, Heaven would be a place without any Smoking Nazis, but some [well, maybe one or two] may have led otherwise fairly good lives, and may warrant a trip Upwards rather than Downwards.  What happens to them, when they come across me on my wee cloud, plucking my harp and enjoying a lovely pipe-full?  Of course it would be heaven for them to have someone to castigate for all eternity, but it would be hell for me.

What about those people who are afraid of dogs?  Heaven for them would be a canine-free zone, but I would have to have my Sandy with me, so how does that one work out?  

It’s one of those fucking conundrums that gets worse the more you think about it. 

What about climate?  I don’t like things to be too hot, but there are those would would relish temperatures way above my comfort zone.  Nobody ever taught me about these things which are, after all quite important.  I was taught a whole load of shite in religion classes when I was at school, but no one ever told me the real facts about Heaven and Hell.  I was just taught that Heaven was a nice place and Hell was all fire and agony. like having all my teeth extracted every day for all eternity.  For some strange reason the Brothers who taught me seemed to have a much greater insight into Hell.

I think, on the whole it is easier to remain an atheist.

I found this lying on the floor under the letter-box.

It gave me a little turn as my first thought was that it was a suicide note, and I had this uncomfortable feeling that I was going to open the door and find a corpse, either hanging from the gutter, slowly twisting in the wind, or else lying on my lawn with its brains spoiling my nice crop of nettles and thistles.

On closer inspection I realised however that it was a pamphlet from some bunch of God Botherers.

Jayzus but it was miserable reading! 

“For thousands of years, the human family has suffered greatly from wars, poverty, disasters, crime, injustice, sickness, and death. The past hundred years have seen more suffering than ever before. Will all of this ever end?”

Their wee missive was a morass of this misery.  For a bunch who claim to be so fucking happy, they sound pretty miserable to me.

Their idea of perfection has me a little confused too.  Do I really want to spend eternity living with a couple of indeterminate origin but politically correct people?  Do I really want a fucking moose shitting all over my lawn?  Quite frankly, it looks a bit American to me and I don’t really want to spend eternity listening to American accents and moronic American idioms [doubtless the couple spend their days telling each other how awesome heaven is?].

I have one little problem with these God Botherers.  For as long as I can remember they have been telling me that the world is about to end and that I had better mend my ways immediately.  It reminds me of the “jam tomorrow, jam yesterday but never jam today” bit from Alice in Wonderland.  For sixty years, the world has been ending tomorrow, and it hasn’t happened yet, so they can fuck off.  I’m going to carry on having fun.

I have reasonably well defined beliefs of my own.  I won’t bother you with my philosophies, as there is nothing worse than someone inflicting their religious zeal on others.  It has taken me six decades of soul searching, debate and argument to get to a point where I am content with my own little ‘religion’.

I can’t imagine how they expect a piece of paper to change all that?

They are fucking welcome to him.

You want to see him?  It’ll cost you a mere £25.  Mind you, you do get a CD, a booklet and a bus ride for your cash.

I see the taxpayer is picking up a large chunk of the tab too.  And what’s £12 million when you are broke?  Sure, ‘tis only loose change?

I’ll tell you what.

Slip me a brown envelope with just one million in it.

I’ll bring him on a trip to the landfill.

Everybody wins.

What the fuck is good about it?

This is a day when Christians commemorate the day that their founder was tortured and executed, and they decide to call the day ‘good’?  That is weird.  Surely from their point of view, it would make more sense to call it Bad Friday or Sad Friday?

I always hated Good Friday.  I don’t know why.  In fact I always hated the word ‘good’ because, as a kid it meant not having fun.  Any time I was really enjoying myself, my mother would pop out from nowhere and tell me to stop.  “Put those matches away and be good,” she’d say, or “Stop playing with that carving knife and be good”.  Good just became synonymous with boring.

Then there was the church bit.  I used to be dragged off to church on a regular basis, and the sermons were always full of creepy stuff about nails through flesh, torture, suffering and blood everywhere.  It’s enough to twist any kid’s mind.  Then to cap it all, all the statues in the churches would be covered in cloth and wrapped up which used to really freak me out.

My mother was a very strict Catholic [my father had more sense but knew when to keep quiet] so Good Friday meant we got nothing to eat which was a pain in the arse.  I discovered years later that my father used to sneak off to less observant neighbours and scrounge a meal there. Cute bastard!  Apart from the lack of food, I wasn’t allowed to enjoy myself in any way.  Good Friday was a day for prayer and that was it.  It was the most boring dreary day in the calendar.

Then of course there is the shit about the pubs.

What the fuck is it with this country that pubs have to close on Good Friday?  I have heard excuses that it provides a day of rest for serious drinkers, which is a load of bollix because any serious drinker worth his salt is going to stock up on the hard tack the day before.  Or is the Catholic Church so unsure of itself that it’s afraid that if pubs are open that no one will attend church?  Why does the Catholic Church have any say in the matter at all?  I know the law stems back to the time when that bastard McQuaid ruled the roost here, but surely times are supposed to have changed?

It’s freezing cold and pissing rain outside.  The spring flowers have enough sense to stay well wrapped up in their buds.  It looks and feels like winter.  Good Friday, my hole.

At least Pullit has the sense to open the pub when he feels like it.

I think it’s a day for the High Stool.

Well fuck me.

This is a day that will be taught about in history lessons to future generations?  This is a day that we will fondly reminisce over in future years?

To those of you abroad who are missing out on this momentous occasion, I feel sorry for you, for we in Ireland are the chosen ones.  You must be devastated.

You see, we have been sent a letter by an 82 year old member of the Hitler Youth!  Wow!  We are truly honoured.

Old Joe Ratzinger himself has written to apologise for the mayhem and chaos that his followers have caused in the past.  Apparently though it isn’t all their fault.  No.  We are to blame.

The cause of all the child abuse, rape, and general carnage was caused by our secularisation.  I can understand where he is coming from here.  If we had stuck with the good old days and if we still treated the clergy with the deference and adoration that they deserved, then none of this would have come to light.  We would still be stepping off the pavement into the gutter to let a priest pass and we would never have dreamt of questioning their little hobbies that involved our sons and daughters, brothers and sisters.  It never would have occurred to us to demand the resignation of the bishops and cardinals who ran one of the most efficient and organised paedophile rings that the world has ever seen.

I really feel honoured that he has written.  As an outsider to his flock, I do feel a little left out, as the letter is not being read to me personally.  That honour is strictly reserved for those few who, despite everything, still believe in Catholic Church Incorporated.

I am delighted to hear that Joe is sending over his minions to visit us all and to apologise in person.

I have it on good authority that they will be bringing with them many thousands of mirrors, because staring at our reflections seems to be the only way out of this mess.

Yes. 

It truly is a very historic day for Ireland.

I went through the whole gamut – convent education up to primary level, and the the Brothers for the rest.  As a result, I had the full works when it came to the brain washing game.  I was taught that the Catholic Church had the only direct line to God, and that everyone else was doomed.  I was taught that the Catholic Church was the only voice of truth, and that religious people were next to God himself.

Then I grew up.

I began to think for myself.  I began to question an organisation that preached poverty, yet lived in sumptuous mansions and whose head lived in one of the most sumptuous palaces on the planet.  Then the simple truth hit me.  It was so simple that it was blindingly obvious – the Catholic Church has absolutely sweet fuck all to do with Christianity.  It is merely a big business whose main objective in life is to dominate and hold power.

That is why I can now watch the likes of Sean Brady without feeling anything other than contempt.

This slimeball is slithering and sliming around denying any wrongdoing despite that fact that he aided and abetted one of Irelands worst rapists and paedophiles.  The deluded cunt actually believes his own lies – that he is a man of God and can therefore do no wrong.  I feel sorry for the people who believe in his lies.  They are deluded too.

I don’t believe in religion.  I don’t believe in a God who demands rituals and praying by rote.  I don’t believe in a God who demands that we dress in certain ways, or chant meaningless words that have been memorised since childhood and have long since lost their meaning.

I believe in faith.  I have my own faith which is personal.  It doesn’t have any organisation behind it, because I don’t believe I should be taught how or what to believe in.

If I were a follower of Richard Dawkins [which I’m not] I would use the argument that the Catholic Church is the greatest proof that God does not exist, for if God existed, would he tolerate such a corrupt, deluded, power crazy mob using His name to further their ends?

Brady is a pathetic immoral nonentity who should be treated with the contempt that he deserves, along with all the rest of the mob who covered up the evils that the Catholic Church bestowed upon our nation, and most other nations on earth.  I couldn’t give a shit whether he resigns or not.  He is no more relevant to me than any other manager in any other big money making corporation on this planet.

Fuck him.

First of all, we had the unedifying spectacle of a group of men dressed in skirts grovelling to an ex member of the Nazi Youth Party.  It was a nauseating sight – grown men kissing the fucking ring of an old fart who thinks he is God Almighty.  And what was the outcome of this meeting?  A torrent of verbal diarrhoea that means sweet fuck all.  There were no expressions of responsibility or real remorse, just the usual platitudes stating that child abuse is a ‘heinous crime’ and a ‘sin’.  Big fucking wow!  So the self appointed guardians of our morals have discovered that child abuse is wrong?  Well, slap me on the face with a wet kipper.

Then we had the case of a government minister who swore an affidavit in the High Court knowing it to be a pack of lies.  He was caught out on his lie, but did he give a shit?  Not at all.  He sat in the Dail with a smirk on his face as our Glorious Leader defended him and claimed that he had made ‘a genuine mistake’.

There is a lot in common in the above two cases.  Whether it was child raping priests, or a government minister committing perjury, both knew they were above the law.  Both knew they can get away with lying, cheating and conniving because their bosses would cover for them.

The Vatican is supposed to be the ultimate authority on matters of morals for Catholics.  The government is supposed to be the ultimate authority on temporal matters.  Both institutions have demonstrated that they are morally bankrupt and are prepared to treat us with utter contempt.

We are on our own.

The crime has never been solved.

The known facts of the case are that a van was seen by several people in the vicinity of the abduction.  That van was owned by the Passionate Order of monks, who had a house in the area.  Suspicion centred on a Father Columba who was a member of the Passionate Order.

Naturally, detectives wanted to interview this Fr Columba, and here is where the mystery begins.

An alibi was provided for Fr Columba by another monk, who said Columba was in Dublin at the time.  Yet an eyewitness said they saw that monk in the van with Columba near the scene of the abduction at the time of the crime.  In the early stages of the investigation, Columba was transferred to Africa.  At every turn, detectives were met with silence and non-cooperation.  Vital evidence, such as Bernadette’s bicycle went missing.    The investigation was eventually stopped at the highest level.

Why did the monastery fail to cooperate?  Why did the Church stop the investigation?

To my mind, there can be only one reason.

We know that the Church are quite willing to shield abusers, paedophiles and rapists.  We know their policy of protecting themselves against any investigation, no matter how guilty they are.

Has the Church sunk so low into the depths of depravity that they will knowingly shield and protect a child murderer?

I thought the Murphy report was bad.

But this just defies all belief.