Head Rambles

Grandad April 16th, 2008

For as long as I can remember, I have been using lighters rather than matches.  Lighters are cheaper in the long run, less messy and are easier to light in a wind.  They are also less ecologically friendly.

Usually I like BiC lighters.  Lately though they have become ‘child proof’

They have put a little symbol on the side implying that they are child resistant, and then, because children of that age can’t read, they have included a symbol to show how to use the lighter.  That is very thoughtful.

Actually, all they have done is to put in a stronger spring, so I now have RSI in my right thumb.  It’s so bad, I have to get the local children to light my pipe for me.  They can do it with no bother.

Ages ago, I started buying much cheaper lighters in the local shop.  After chucking a few away, I realised I could refill them, so I bought a canister of gas.  That was great as I could use the lighters until the flint ran out, and I have quite a few old spare lighters.

The only problem I have now is I feel a little embarrassed when you consider where I have to stick the spout of the gas can…

• Smoking
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Grandad February 16th, 2008

Smoking hits the news again.

According to the BBC, they are thinking about introducing a £10 [€15] licence to buy tobacco in the U.K.

The Anti-Smoking Fascists are at it again.

What is this obsession with smoking?  Why are governments dedicated to eradicating this lethal habit?  What is so wrong about it that it has to be eradicated from the face of the earth like it were the Ebola Virus?

I read a very interesting document recently, and I would urge you to read it too, particularly if you are a smoker or an Anti-Smoking Fascist.  It is an Adobe document and is quite long but is worth reading in its entirety.

My father smoked cigarettes all his life.  He was a forty or more a day man.  He died many years ago, having reached his normal life expectancy.

My mother was married to this smoker for thirty seven years and was a passive smoker for all that time.  She died in her eighties.

I was a passive smoker for the first sixteen years of my life.  Then I started on cigarettes but switched to a pipe because I preferred it.

I have been smoking ever since. 

Now this is not a rhetorical question.  This is not a facetious question. This is a serious question.

If smoking is such a deadly killer, and passive smoking is so lethal…..

Why am I still alive?

• Smoking
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Grandad January 29th, 2008

I had to go to the village, and of course ended up at the coffee shop.

I may have mentioned this but the Anti Smoking Nazis have declared some of the tables outside to be non smoking, as some of the smoke may get inside.  How fucking moronic can you get!

I did some simple arithmetic.

Approximate volume of shop interior = 64,000 litres.

Capacity of lungs used in normal breathing = .5 litres.

So…  if I took a full lungfull of tobacco smoke and breathed it out in the shop, I would have displaced 1/128,000 of pure air with foul carcinogenic lethal fumes.

BUT

I smoke a pipe, so I only ‘exhale’ a mouthful which can’t be more than about 10ccs, or 1/100 of a litre.

so my displacement has become 1/640,000.

Even that is assuming that my exhale is pure smoke with no air involved.

So, we’ll say a 50/50 mix.  Displacement is now 1/1,280,000.  And that is assuming that 100% of tobacco smoke is carcinogenic, which it isn’t.

Now all that is assuming that I have exhaled indoors, but I’m talking outdoors.  So what percentage of my smoke is accidentally going to blow in the door?  We’ll be generous and say 10%.

So I have to sit in the windy part of the terrace, in case I pollute the air by a factor of less than one in ten million????

It’s no wonder I hate those PC Nazis.

• Smoking
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Grandad January 3rd, 2008

I am beginning to realise that fame has its price.

I am late in writing today, because I have just been interviewed by the lovely Deirdre Walsh on Radio Kerry. 

No.  It was nothing to do with blogging.

They wanted to talk to me because I am an endangered species.  Along with various whales and tigers.

Yes.  Pipe smokers are almost extinct.  I am going to apply to Brussels for a preservation order, but in the meantime, Radio Kerry wanted an archive of an interview with a real live pipe-smoker, before we are overpowered by the cigarette smoking hoards.

Also, my other little sideline has been exposed on the Interweb.

That b*st*rd Dick has blown my cover.  He never got over the Ron thing and has been itching to get his own back ever since. He has discovered the real reason behind Head Rambles and has posted about it.

What’s worse, he was obviously at the New Years Eve party [though I don't remember seeing him there], and the f*ck*r had his camera with him.

Now, we celebrities have our rights.  We have a right to private lives.  We resent media intrusion.  Just ask Paris Hilton or Jane Goody. Look what happened to Diana.  So when Dick starts publishing private photos of me on the Interweb, I get annoyed…..

I’m off to see my solicitor, and buy some pipe tobacco.

• Podcasting , Rambles , Smoking
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Grandad December 31st, 2007

What is special about tomorrow?

Nothing really. It’s just another day. It will be no different from today, except that it will be slightly brighter.

The big significance is that I start writing dud cheques again. I never remember to put in the year correctly.

For some strange reason, it is a time when we are all supposed to make New Year Resolutions. The commercial world are cashing in on this as usual and are pumping out advertisements for slimming clubs and aids for giving up smoking.

One advertisement I saw amused me. It is a patch or something [I wasn't paying that much attention], that helps you give up cigarettes by satisfying your craving for nicotine by giving you therapeutic nicotine. So they replace nicotine with nicotine and you are fine because they have used the word therapeutic? I like it. I’m not going to buy their product, because I’ll continue to smoke my pipe. Only I’ll call it my therapeutic pipe from now on, so I’ll be grand.

I don’t make resolutions because I don’t see the point. I always break them anyway.

Oh, all right then. I’ll make one.

I’ll try to moderate my language a bit in my blogging.

OK?

But if you think I’m going to go on a diet, or take more exercise or give up smoking, you can f*ck off.

Sh*t.

There. You see? I’ve broken my resolution already.

I hope you all have a very happy next 366 days.

• Rambles , Smoking
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Grandad December 10th, 2007

Yesterday started off as a good day.

My mood was good, and what was even better, we had finally shifted the worst of the weather over to America.

It was cold, but the sun was shining.  We decided to go down to the village.

Everything changed.

As soon as we arrived in the village, the mood took a downer.  Bing Crosby was singing Christmas melodies very loudly throughout the place.  I hate Bing Crosby.  Well, I don’t hate Bing Crosby himself, as I don’t know him, but I hate his singing.  And that goes for Sanatra and all that lot as well.  The sound of "White Christmas" and all that sh*te really gets under my skin, so I could feel the kill instinct coming to the fore.

I decided to calm myself with a mug of coffee while Herself went shopping.

Sandy and I wandered over to the coffee shop, where there were a few people sitting out, supping their coffee and giving out stink about Crosby.

Then I saw them…..

The best tables nearest the heater has ‘No Smoking’ signs on them.  And this was outside in the open f*cking air!

I complained very loudly to the owner.  She agreed with me, because she likes a smoke or two herself, but said the health inspector had insisted.

Who are these f*cking Nazis? They have driven us outside, and are still complaining.

At this stage, I was spitting venom and was getting near what my psychiatrist calls ‘explosion point’.

I set fire to the ‘no smoking signs’.  In fairness to them, they didn’t make much smoke.

One of the customers complained when I burned the sign on his table.

He made a LOT of smoke.

• Around the village , Smoking
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