Archive for the 'spam' Category

I am not interested

Grandad September 5th, 2009

When will you miserable bastards learn that I am not interested in your precious Viagra?

You keep writing to me from your fucking “VIAGRA ® Official Site” which isn’t a fucking official site and has fuck all to do with Pfizer.

I couldn’t give a flying shite if you are offering me 82% off.  I’m still not interested.

You are NOT a Canadian fucking Pharmacy.  You are a wanker by the name of Edward Seversky, and in case you don’t know it, you live in Izhevsk, which, for your information, is in Russia, you vodka-swilling pig-shagging cretin.

Addressing a mail or letter to “Dear admin@headrambles.com” is not exactly going to endear me to you either, you miserable fuckwit.

I have no need for your “product”.  If I want a stiffy, I’ll just make a quick call to my friend Sharon.  That usually more than does the trick.  In the unlikely event of that failing, all I have to do is peek over the wall to the next house where the Fine Thing there has a habit of bathing in the starkers.  I don’t do that often, as I run the risk of pole-vaulting out of the garden and down the cliff, which wouldn’t be very funny.  What would I want with your miserable offerings?

I see that as well as offering Viagra you also sell Viagra Professional.  What’s this?  Taking a leaf from Microsoft?  Do you also offer Viagra Home Edition and Viagra Server?  Or is the latter for people in long term employment only?

Like a good wanker that you are, I suggest to get a firm grip on yourself.

Go and do something useful.

Like swallow all your precious pills, and then go fuck yourself.

I’ll stick with Sharon, thanks.

An offer of a job

Grandad July 3rd, 2009

I received an offer of a job yesterday!!

Our company offers you an excellent possibility to earn quickly.     
It is a good chance to earn easily 2.000 – 5.000 EUR in a month, 
and it will not take more than 1 hour a day. For this you should 
have one or several bank accounts. More accounts you have more will 
be your gain.

The procedure is following. We make a transfer on your account, 
usually it is around 5.000 – 8.000 EUR. As soon as money comes, you 
withdraw it in cash. For your service you take 20 percent of the amount 
received. Then you send the rest of the money back by Western Union. 
For example, we make a transaction of 5.000 EUR to your account, 
you go to the bank and collect the total amount. Then you take 1.000 EUR 
as your remuneration and send 4.000 EUR back to our receiver via 
Western Union Money Transfer Service. Western Union fee is paid by receiver.

Our company is located in Estonia. We need only bank details 
which are necessary to make the transaction of funds on your account. 
We don’t ask you any supplementary data and there is no risk for your 
privacy. You run the only one risk of becoming undesirable client 
for the bank.

You can email all your questions to the address job@taxvac.com

Looks good, doesn’t it.

They send me their money, and I send it back to them again, and I get paid for it.

Hang on…..

They have a system where they shift their own money out and back again and for each shift they lose 20%?  That seems like an excellent way of losing money?  Are they incredibly bad at mathematics?  Are they just plain stupid?  Are they looking for the job of Irish Minister for Finance?

Or are they going to post me a [dud] cheque, and I send my money back by Western Union, so that they gain my money and lose a dud cheque?

I am going to reply to them and accept their offer.

I will send them some of my details.

I will also insist that they send me their money by Western Union first.

Hah!

Getting to know Irena

Grandad April 4th, 2009

Hello.

Please, do not be surprise – this letter is not a spam one. [Oh, yes it is]

You will probably be amazed of the fact that I am writing you an e-mail. [not really] Yesterday I myself was amazed too, when saw your letter in my e-mail box. The letter was about love and sensations among people. [No. Actually it was about sex]  The motto of the letter was like this «search for love and you’ll become happy». I liked this letter very much. There was a list of e-mails where I found yours. I decided to write you. Maybe you are seeking love too? [Yes, if you are talking about a bit of the other]  Maybe it’s our destiny?

I do not know actually who was the person that had sent me that e-mail and how did he get my e-mail address.

I think it is not important. The most amazing thing is that I can write you. I would like to know more about you. [Eight inches, though I say so myself]  Providing that it is me who is the first to write, I want to say some words of my personality. [Fire away] 

My name is Irina. I am 30 years old. I have never been married and have no children. [Frigid or ugly?] 

I am cute, calm, kind and sociable. [So far, so good] 

I think it is interesting to talk with you and discover new features of yours… [There is only one feature that matters]  Discover you as a person. I am a serious woman and I am looking for serious relations. [Fuck! We were doing well up to now]  For me it means no deception, no double jokes. [Bollox!]  I am looking for a real person who will manage to love and respect me. I hope you are searching for your love, too. [I’m trying to avoid her at the moment] 

I do not think that in love-relations age and appearance have any importance. The chief factor for me is ability to love and respect seriously! [I am very serious about my rumpy pumpy] 

I have lots of hobbies and interests in life. Among them you will find sport, [Oh shit! No.] cooking, books reading and definitely music. I am going crazy about housekeeping and house holding. [You can hold my house any time, Baby]  I like tiding up [I have never tried that?] and general cleaning. I am keen on experimenting in my kitchen. [Yes!! Over the kitchen sink is nice.]  I love changes. [Have you ever tried it on a combine harvester?  Brilliant!] 

I am fond of animals and prefer to lead a healthy lifestyle, thus, I do not smoke or use alcohol. [But surely you have a cigarette afterwards?] 

Hey, my new pen-friend. What can you tell me about yourself? I want to learn more about you. [I told you – eight inches.  But by now it’s nearer twelve.] 

In my future letter I will describe my character and my personality more precisely. [Ah! Who gives a fuck about them?] 

Definitely, I will send you some of my photographs. It will help you to understand who I am and where I live. My photos will reveal all parts of my life [Make that ‘body’, if you please]  – my happiness, my pensiveness and sometimes melancholy.

Please reply only to my personal e-mail

I am looking forward to your reply. I am really interested in knowing you better. [You shall ‘know’ me intimately] 

Remember of me.
Your new friend,
Irina.

Irina
Holy FUCK!!!!

Geronimo!!!!

To the people of Tver

Grandad March 17th, 2009

Do you live in Tver?

Never heard of it?  Nor had I until today.

It is a city in Russia with a population of around half a million.

I am interested in Tver, because there is a street in it called Sovetskaya.  And the reason I am interested in Sovetskaya is because there is a sneaky fucking bollix by the name of Alexander Goganov living there.

Alexander Goganov is dead meat.  He has about thirty nine minutes left to live before a 28 Megaton eBay special eradicates him, and all who live around him.

I am sorry for the other people of Tver.  I mean them no harm but as the old cliché goes: you can’t make an omelette without breaking eggs.

You see, I have just wasted that last twenty four hours repairing a few of my sites.  That little fucker managed to hack a little file on my server that caused Google to think it was spidering my site, when it was in fact spidering that little fuckers site.  And his site is full of warez and shit like that, so Google now thinks my site is full of warez and shit like that.

I had plans for today.

I was going to celebrate the official opening of the Tourist Season by going on a little rampage with the lads, and then end up in the pub and get hammered.  They have gone off without me now because I was too busy to go.  I can hear the sound of distant gunfire, and I really resent being stuck here undoing all Alexander Goganov’s handywork.

You now have around thirty two minutes left, Alexander.  Say your prayers to try to redeem your sad little life.

I’m off to the pub now.

At least all the day won’t be wasted.

I will raise a glass to the other 499,999 people of Tver and say a silent apology.

But shit happens.

Being uncharitable

Grandad November 11th, 2008

Charities do a wonderful job, in the main. 

I like to think that I do my little bit for various organisations, so my conscience is clear.

HOWEVER……..

I do get a little pissed off when a reputable charity spams me.

I received a mail from Signal Communications via Pragmatica asking me to support Childline.

Childline are a wonderful charity, and they do great work.  I know a lot about them, because from the age of four, our K8 used to ring them several times a week for some reason.

On the other hand, I don’t know anything about Signal Communications or Pragmatica, and nor do I want to. 

They were obviously engaged by Childline to do promotion.

I have three searing objections to this mail.

Firstly, they wrote to an address that I rarely use, though it is commonly used by spammers.  I have never heard of them before, so this is an unsolicited mail [i.e. SPAM].

My second objection is that at the bottom of their mail they urge me to “Forward This Mail: To as many of your contacts as possible”.  This is again promoting unwanted mail.

My final, but no means least objection is that I have received more than one of these mails to the same email address from the same company.

My message to Signal Communications and Pragmatica: Fuck off, and stop spamming.  It is illegal.

My message to Childline: Please be very careful who you ask to do your promotions.  [And by the way, you should grammar check you front page!]

Next »