Head Rambles

Grandad May 8th, 2008

I accidentally went into my spam mail yesterday.

I was about to click out of it again, but one mail caught my eye.  I’m not sure why.

“Get a totally wicked wiener”

What the hell does that mean?

I know what ‘totally’ is supposed to mean.  It’s that word that is totally overused and is so totally ignorant sounding in any context nowadays.  I presume it crept into modern parlance through one of those ghastly American comedies like ‘Friends’ or ‘Sex in the city’, so everyone pronounces it as ‘todally’. It has become as ubiquitous as ‘like’ [or 'loike'] and has to be scattered like thistledown through every damned sentence these days. This just makes me want to smash the speakers teeth back through their tonsils.

‘Wicked’ means evil or bad.  We all know that.

But what the hell is a ‘wiener’?  I had to look that one up.

Apparently it is either a hot-dog or a German word for a Viennese.

I presume these people aren’t trying to sell me hot-dogs through the Interweb, so it can only be a Viennese.

Why, in the name of all that is holy, does someone want me to have an evil person from Vienna?  Is this some new European law that we all have to adopt a criminal from another country?  Is it some new fashion statement like a replica Rolex watch?  Is this the new ‘must have’ [another horrendous contemporary cliche!]?

I did send off for the ‘fantastic larger rod’ though.

I believe fishing is a very relaxing pastime.

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Grandad April 25th, 2008

I was in a bad mood yesterday.  I was also tired, which is a dangerous combination.

I was having a quiet doze in my armchair, thinking pleasant thoughts about murdering politicians when the phone rang.

I looked at the display for the number - UNAVAILABLE.

Now that means only one thing - a cold caller.  They are too damned chicken to display their numbers.  But it gave me a chance to work up a nice head of steam.

I let it ring a few times and answered it.

"What?" I barked.

There was a woman on the other end of the line.  Now, there are accents and there are accents.  There are some Irish accents that grate on my nerves, and some English ones too.  But this woman had the worst American accent I have ever heard.  And her voice was like a nail being dragged across glass.  She had a high screechy voice that set my nerves at breaking point.

She started into her waffle by saying that she was from ABC and DEF and that she was doing some market re……

"Oy!" I shouted.

There was a pause.

"I beg your pardon?" she screeched.

"Fuck off" I said.

There was an even longer pause.

"I just wanted to know if you could spare some time to answ…"

"I said fuck off" I said.

"…answer a few questions?" she screeched.

"I hate cold callers" I replied.  I had to admire her thick skin.

"You hate what?"

"Cold callers."

"Cold callers?"

"Yes.  What you are.  You rang me.  I never gave you permission to ring me.  You are a cold caller."

There was another long pause.  I thought she was going to argue the toss.

"Thank you for taking the call." she said in a far less screechy voice, and hung up.

I know she was only doing her job, but by working for whatever shower it was, she was knowingly promoting the spamming of private telephone lines.

It is spam.  And it’s nice to be able to tell a spammer to fuck off.

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Grandad February 20th, 2008

Earlier today, I initiated a bit of anti-spam policy.

I nuked Chicago.

As usual, the Americans overreacted and declared war.

And, as usual, they missed.

My apologies [on behalf of the American people] to the people of Bristol.

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Grandad February 20th, 2008

This is a message to the people of Chicago.

I am very sorry, but you have to go.

I know Chicago quite well, because many years ago I used to play around with Flight Simulator.  I used to take off from Meigs Field and buzz around your fine city before crashing somewhere.  I’m sure you saw me, many times.  But now you have closed that fine air-strip.  Bastards.

But that isn’t the reason you have to go.

I hate spam.  In the normal course of events, I ignore it and let it quietly burn in my various spam traps  and spam filters.

Lately however, I have been inundated with crap from someone who calls themselves Sweetpea.  My blog is inundated.  My e-mail accounts are inundated.  And frankly I’m pissed off.

Sweetpea is trying to pretend they are Canadian, but they’re not.  I have the address of the Chicago Gangsters who are hosting their mail account -

FastServers,  Inc.
175 W. Jackson Blvd
Suite 1770
Chicago
IL
60604
US

So this is the address I have programmed into the ICBM [with 2 Megaton warhead, DVD rewriter, 180Gb HDD with Windows Vista] that I bought on eBay last week.  I shall be launching it shortly.

I know the place well.  I have crashed into it many times.  I shall miss it, and I shall miss Meigs Field.

We had some good times together.

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Grandad February 18th, 2008

I have a very free and easy policy when it comes to comments on this blog.

Essentially, my policy is that anyone can comment, and if I don’t like what they have written, then that is my problem.  I won’t delete or modify their posts because I’m not a censor.

There are exceptions to this though.

If one commenter seriously abuses another and launches a personal attack, I will remove or modify the comment[s].  So far, I have only had to do that once.

Another is when a comment comes in that is irrelevant to the topic and is there purely to push someone’s personal agenda on some other topic.  In my book, that is spam.

I had a comment on a post, and it was addressed to me personally.  It was from my old friend "SuperShadow" or whatever his name is.  He used a false email address so I can’t write to him personally, even if I wanted to.  The first line in the comment was..

"Grandad please let this comment thru. Im under pressure from morm-jordil to keep this campaign going. All your other blogging friends hav no problem with it".

Now, I very much doubt that my blogging friends would like to support this kind of campaign, and even if they did, that is their business.  Their policies may differ from mine.

Actually, the subject he is writing about would be an interesting one for debate, but I’m not going to mention it now, as that would be playing his game.  So here is an open challenge to "SuperShadow" or whatever his name is.

If you want a debate, or to make a point, then write to me directly.  Use a valid email address so I can reply.  I am not going to engage in debate with someone who hasn’t even the courage to use a real address.

Until then, your comments will continue to end up in my spam box, where they will be deleted.

May the force be with you.

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Grandad January 8th, 2008

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Why didn’t you just attach them?

Stupid bitch!

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