When we think of spam, we immediately think of the endless offers of genuine replica [?] Rolex watches and the interminable offers to add an extra couple of inches to our manhood [as if I needed it! Hah!].  However there is a load of stuff out there which really makes good reading.

I have a couple of defences against the thousands of offers of Viagra and the like.  I have a filter thingy on the server which eliminates all the spammy shit destined for my mailbox.  It filters out a lot of genuine mails from friends and relations too which has the added advantage of giving me less to read and to reply to.

I also have a couple of yokes in the back-room of this site.  One [WP-SpamFree ?] just blocks all the really tedious comments, and I never get to see them.  The other is Akismet which lets comments in, but holds them for me to check.  There is some really good stuff in that lot.

Most of the stuff in there is really flattering and any time my self confidence is on the ebb, I have a read just to make myself feel better.

“Some times its a pain in the ass to read what blog owners wrote but this site is very user friendly !” writes a bloke with the unusual name of Reseller Hosting.  I mean to say, who wouldn’t be chuffed reading something like that?

Some of the comments are a little obscure and I’m not really sure what they are trying to say – “This web page leaves a beneficial materials that may ‘t be disregarded primarily it is made up of and displays us one other level of hugely extraordinary impression.” – from Anxiety Disorders for example.  Maybe they are just trying to work through their anxieties?

Others are quite lavish in their praise.  “I simply wanted to thank you again for the amazing web site you have made here. It is full of ideas for those who are seriously interested in this subject, specifically this very post. You’re really all amazingly sweet along with thoughtful of others plus reading your site posts is a superb delight in my experience. And what generous gift! Dan and I are going to have fun making use of your guidelines in what we need to do next week. Our collection of ideas is a mile long so your tips will be put to great use.” writes Gay Webcam [what the fuck were their parents thinking when they christened their kids?].  I have printed that one off and framed it. 

One that I am still working on is “vend cubit peasy cotone marriageable pinched sputum closefisted cartwright” from Free Sexcam [probably a cousin of Gay Webcam?].  That one is even too obscure for Google Translate.

I think my favourite though is a wee contribution from a lovely person called CPanel Reseller Hosting [they have to be related to Reseller Hosting].  It is this comment that I think of as I drift off to sleep at night.  It makes the world seem a nicer friendlier place.  It is short, succinct and enormously flattering…

“You are my inhalation”

I checked the display as always and it told me the number was “withheld”.  Those calls always put me on full alert.

Sure enough, it was some Asian fucker inquiring whether I had a computer.

Of course I knew straight away what this was – the scam of talking me through fixing a non-existent problem that sooner or later would either involve hard cash or a compromised computer.

I gave him a bit of a lecture.  I told him that he was exploiting the innocent and that he really shouldn’t do it.  I told him that telling porkies about computers being faulty was only going to worry the old and vulnerable.  I told him that there was nothing wrong with my computer and that his information was in any case incorrect as I was using Linux and that his little “fixes” wouldn’t work.  I told him that he should really mend the errors of his ways and that he should get himself an honest job.

Actually I didn’t say any of that.

I had more than a sneaking suspicion that he has used some kind of callback device and that I was paying for the call.

So I just told him to go fuck himself, before slamming down the phone.

I’m a little sorry I did that now.

You see, I thought he was just playing a bit of a game.  I mean to say, no one can be serious about the crap he writes? 

I received another mail during the week, and this showed how really deranged the poor chap is.  I now realise I was mocking the afflicted and that is not nice.  The chap needs help, not a bit of slagging.

The paranoid mind is a strange place, as the mail showed.  I really am sorry for mocking him now.  He seriously needs professional help, not derision.

The mail:

this is my last mail to you as you have wasted enough of my

time already.

let me clarify the following. (i have to laugh ever 20 seconds at your naivety:)

1. I am mickey suttle. i am under fbi protection due to 2 assasination attempts by star wars fans who dont like what i have to say at SS.com. (the site is constantly cyber attacked)

   There have been numerous attempts to trace me via the internet so the fbi have set up a number of untracable proxy ip address’s for me wolrdwide using their foxcon31 security system. (this system is used by the Witness protection program here in america)

2. i cannot be found. even if you were to bypass the proxy you would have broken through the most advanced firewall ever created. the CIA would have you assasinated for this as  foxcon31 took 20 years to design. The scandal that it could be hacked could cause a stock market crash.

3.The Ten Commandments particularly state NOT to worship other gods.This means additional gods must exist because God wouldn’t care about the imaginary.

I am one of those others. i am revered and hated in equal measure by star wars fans worldwide. my time is coming  and soon you will all realise the chronological folly of your gregorian calender. the world never truly existed before 1977.

4. if you only knew the truth about the world around you.Don’t pray for a Lamborghini or receiving tons of money. Instead you should pray both night and day without ceasing and no stopping that the Imperial overlords continue to only observe our planet.

I am and will always be George Lucas’s only true friend

the fbi have demanded that i close this account so this will be our last communication until the end when you realise i am real and will demand a refund on your existence.yet it will be in vain,

Im ranting on now but for once in my life i want to be wrong about something

yours in star wars,

SS

Pretty scary?  Huh?

However, when they come absolutely begging for it, it is a temptation that is too hard to resist.  Heh!

I have received another mail from my ‘Caring Reader’

i just saw your article. ye all think ye are some kind of celebrity bloggers.

100 years from who will care about ‘headrambles’ or ‘maxicane’

YE ARE NOTHING MORE THAN VIRTUAL SHIPS THAT PASS IN THE NITE.

never to be seen again

supershadow.com gets thousands of hits a day. how many does you and your cabal get?

everybody wants to be me. thats right go in to facebook and search for mickey suttle and you will get loads of imitators. now try the same with ‘headrambles’ or some other obscure member of you blogroll.

people are so jealous of me they post  misinformation, just like this:

http://starwars.wikia.com/wiki/SuperShadow

but you know what grandad –jealousy is greatest form of flattery.

Good day

M E suttle (the magnificent, the great supershadow)

i just saw your article. ye all think ye are some kind of celebrity bloggers.

Me?  A celebrity blogger?  Fuck off.  I’m just a bloke who has a life.

100 years from who will care about ‘headrambles’ or ‘maxicane’

In a hundred years from now, I doubt very much if I will give a flying shit about Headrambles.  Maybe my great great grandchildren will, but I very much doubt it.  I can’t speak for Maxi though.  You’d need to ask him directly. 

YE ARE NOTHING MORE THAN VIRTUAL SHIPS THAT PASS IN THE NITE.

Ah!  Good.  You have discovered the Caps Shift key.  You really ought to use it more often.  Especially at the beginning of sentences.  And that’s not how ‘night’ is spelt.

supershadow.com gets thousands of hits a day. how many does you and your cabal get?

I don’t know why you are concerned about supershadow.com?  It’s not your site.  It’s run by some fucking eejit in the States called Mickey Suttle.  I can’t speak for my ‘cabal’ but my traffic is quite good thanks.  Tens of thousands of hits per day.

Maybe your little friend in the States would like to contact me and I’ll teach him how to increase traffic?

everybody wants to be me. thats right go in to facebook and search for mickey suttle and you will get loads of imitators. now try the same with ‘headrambles’ or some other obscure member of you blogroll.

Oh, sweet lamb of divine Jayzus!  If I did do a search on the web for my name, I would get thousands of results.  But then I don’t search for my name, because I have a life.  And why would anyone want to be you?  Anyone can be a tosser.  All it takes is a right hand.

people are so jealous of me they post  misinformation, just like this:

http://starwars.wikia.com/wiki/SuperShadow

Why in the name of all that’s holy should anyone be jealous of you?  The only people who have heard of you are the people that you and your little pals have annoyed.

but you know what grandad –jealousy is greatest form of flattery.

No. Imitation is the greatest form of flattery.  Please get your facts right.  And while you are at it, could you please learn proper grammar and punctuation?  Or haven’t you come to that stage in school yet?

M E suttle (the magnificent, the great supershadow)

No.  You are not M E suttle [sic].  Mickey Suttle is a wanker in the States.  You are a wanker in Cork.  That is rather naughty of you to be using his name after you moaning about imitators.  And you should learn to be a little less modest.

Now, it’s quite a nice day, and you are on your school holidays, so I suggest you put on your Chewbacca suit and go out and play with your plastic Millennium Falcon, preferably on a main road.

I know he only has my best interests at heart, and I am flattered that he took such a lot of time out of his busy day to write to me.

I received a mail yesterday, in which he pointed out all my errors and the fact that I am quite obviously on the wrong path.  My problem is that I don’t quite know how to respond.  My English isn’t quite as eloquent as his, and I would like to reply to him and apologise for the error of my ways.

Maybe you can help?

Can you help me compose a reply?

His email [unedited] -

hello grandad

it has been some time. first let me get this out of the way.

i apologise for what could have been regarded as comment spamming on yours and various blogs last yr. but i dont apoligise for my reasons. mcGregor treachery will be avenged in this life our the next.

the other thing is i still notice your blog is full of anti-establishment ranting.your governent, your green party minister and duncan stewert are true heroes to many of us who  wish to talkle global warming, passive smoking and sustainable energy-all great ideals of many in the jedi religion(which is growing day by day)

the other day i was stopped by a police  officer for doing 35 kph in a 30kph zone.

what did i do? did i complain? no i got out and shook the officers hand and thanked him for saving my life.

i truly believe your lashing out of authority is the result of immaturity and a prolonged mid life crisis.  this could be cured but maybe in your  case its terminal.

either way you can change. you could drive in to town and simply go up and shake a parking attendants hand and tell them what a great job they are doing. you could warn young people of the dangers of smoking and become more civilly responsible.

may the  force be with you

You keep writing to me from your fucking “VIAGRA ® Official Site” which isn’t a fucking official site and has fuck all to do with Pfizer.

I couldn’t give a flying shite if you are offering me 82% off.  I’m still not interested.

You are NOT a Canadian fucking Pharmacy.  You are a wanker by the name of Edward Seversky, and in case you don’t know it, you live in Izhevsk, which, for your information, is in Russia, you vodka-swilling pig-shagging cretin.

Addressing a mail or letter to “Dear admin@headrambles.com” is not exactly going to endear me to you either, you miserable fuckwit.

I have no need for your “product”.  If I want a stiffy, I’ll just make a quick call to my friend Sharon.  That usually more than does the trick.  In the unlikely event of that failing, all I have to do is peek over the wall to the next house where the Fine Thing there has a habit of bathing in the starkers.  I don’t do that often, as I run the risk of pole-vaulting out of the garden and down the cliff, which wouldn’t be very funny.  What would I want with your miserable offerings?

I see that as well as offering Viagra you also sell Viagra Professional.  What’s this?  Taking a leaf from Microsoft?  Do you also offer Viagra Home Edition and Viagra Server?  Or is the latter for people in long term employment only?

Like a good wanker that you are, I suggest to get a firm grip on yourself.

Go and do something useful.

Like swallow all your precious pills, and then go fuck yourself.

I’ll stick with Sharon, thanks.

Our company offers you an excellent possibility to earn quickly.     
It is a good chance to earn easily 2.000 – 5.000 EUR in a month, 
and it will not take more than 1 hour a day. For this you should 
have one or several bank accounts. More accounts you have more will 
be your gain.

The procedure is following. We make a transfer on your account, 
usually it is around 5.000 – 8.000 EUR. As soon as money comes, you 
withdraw it in cash. For your service you take 20 percent of the amount 
received. Then you send the rest of the money back by Western Union. 
For example, we make a transaction of 5.000 EUR to your account, 
you go to the bank and collect the total amount. Then you take 1.000 EUR 
as your remuneration and send 4.000 EUR back to our receiver via 
Western Union Money Transfer Service. Western Union fee is paid by receiver.

Our company is located in Estonia. We need only bank details 
which are necessary to make the transaction of funds on your account. 
We don’t ask you any supplementary data and there is no risk for your 
privacy. You run the only one risk of becoming undesirable client 
for the bank.

You can email all your questions to the address job@taxvac.com

Looks good, doesn’t it.

They send me their money, and I send it back to them again, and I get paid for it.

Hang on…..

They have a system where they shift their own money out and back again and for each shift they lose 20%?  That seems like an excellent way of losing money?  Are they incredibly bad at mathematics?  Are they just plain stupid?  Are they looking for the job of Irish Minister for Finance?

Or are they going to post me a [dud] cheque, and I send my money back by Western Union, so that they gain my money and lose a dud cheque?

I am going to reply to them and accept their offer.

I will send them some of my details.

I will also insist that they send me their money by Western Union first.

Hah!

Please, do not be surprise – this letter is not a spam one. [Oh, yes it is]

You will probably be amazed of the fact that I am writing you an e-mail. [not really] Yesterday I myself was amazed too, when saw your letter in my e-mail box. The letter was about love and sensations among people. [No. Actually it was about sex]  The motto of the letter was like this «search for love and you’ll become happy». I liked this letter very much. There was a list of e-mails where I found yours. I decided to write you. Maybe you are seeking love too? [Yes, if you are talking about a bit of the other]  Maybe it’s our destiny?

I do not know actually who was the person that had sent me that e-mail and how did he get my e-mail address.

I think it is not important. The most amazing thing is that I can write you. I would like to know more about you. [Eight inches, though I say so myself]  Providing that it is me who is the first to write, I want to say some words of my personality. [Fire away] 

My name is Irina. I am 30 years old. I have never been married and have no children. [Frigid or ugly?] 

I am cute, calm, kind and sociable. [So far, so good] 

I think it is interesting to talk with you and discover new features of yours… [There is only one feature that matters]  Discover you as a person. I am a serious woman and I am looking for serious relations. [Fuck! We were doing well up to now]  For me it means no deception, no double jokes. [Bollox!]  I am looking for a real person who will manage to love and respect me. I hope you are searching for your love, too. [I’m trying to avoid her at the moment] 

I do not think that in love-relations age and appearance have any importance. The chief factor for me is ability to love and respect seriously! [I am very serious about my rumpy pumpy] 

I have lots of hobbies and interests in life. Among them you will find sport, [Oh shit! No.] cooking, books reading and definitely music. I am going crazy about housekeeping and house holding. [You can hold my house any time, Baby]  I like tiding up [I have never tried that?] and general cleaning. I am keen on experimenting in my kitchen. [Yes!! Over the kitchen sink is nice.]  I love changes. [Have you ever tried it on a combine harvester?  Brilliant!] 

I am fond of animals and prefer to lead a healthy lifestyle, thus, I do not smoke or use alcohol. [But surely you have a cigarette afterwards?] 

Hey, my new pen-friend. What can you tell me about yourself? I want to learn more about you. [I told you – eight inches.  But by now it’s nearer twelve.] 

In my future letter I will describe my character and my personality more precisely. [Ah! Who gives a fuck about them?] 

Definitely, I will send you some of my photographs. It will help you to understand who I am and where I live. My photos will reveal all parts of my life [Make that ‘body’, if you please]  – my happiness, my pensiveness and sometimes melancholy.

Please reply only to my personal e-mail

I am looking forward to your reply. I am really interested in knowing you better. [You shall ‘know’ me intimately] 

Remember of me.
Your new friend,
Irina.

Holy FUCK!!!!

Geronimo!!!!

Never heard of it?  Nor had I until today.

It is a city in Russia with a population of around half a million.

I am interested in Tver, because there is a street in it called Sovetskaya.  And the reason I am interested in Sovetskaya is because there is a sneaky fucking bollix by the name of Alexander Goganov living there.

Alexander Goganov is dead meat.  He has about thirty nine minutes left to live before a 28 Megaton eBay special eradicates him, and all who live around him.

I am sorry for the other people of Tver.  I mean them no harm but as the old cliché goes: you can’t make an omelette without breaking eggs.

You see, I have just wasted that last twenty four hours repairing a few of my sites.  That little fucker managed to hack a little file on my server that caused Google to think it was spidering my site, when it was in fact spidering that little fuckers site.  And his site is full of warez and shit like that, so Google now thinks my site is full of warez and shit like that.

I had plans for today.

I was going to celebrate the official opening of the Tourist Season by going on a little rampage with the lads, and then end up in the pub and get hammered.  They have gone off without me now because I was too busy to go.  I can hear the sound of distant gunfire, and I really resent being stuck here undoing all Alexander Goganov’s handywork.

You now have around thirty two minutes left, Alexander.  Say your prayers to try to redeem your sad little life.

I’m off to the pub now.

At least all the day won’t be wasted.

I will raise a glass to the other 499,999 people of Tver and say a silent apology.

But shit happens.

I like to think that I do my little bit for various organisations, so my conscience is clear.

HOWEVER……..

I do get a little pissed off when a reputable charity spams me.

I received a mail from Signal Communications via Pragmatica asking me to support Childline.

Childline are a wonderful charity, and they do great work.  I know a lot about them, because from the age of four, our K8 used to ring them several times a week for some reason.

On the other hand, I don’t know anything about Signal Communications or Pragmatica, and nor do I want to. 

They were obviously engaged by Childline to do promotion.

I have three searing objections to this mail.

Firstly, they wrote to an address that I rarely use, though it is commonly used by spammers.  I have never heard of them before, so this is an unsolicited mail [i.e. SPAM].

My second objection is that at the bottom of their mail they urge me to “Forward This Mail: To as many of your contacts as possible”.  This is again promoting unwanted mail.

My final, but no means least objection is that I have received more than one of these mails to the same email address from the same company.

My message to Signal Communications and Pragmatica: Fuck off, and stop spamming.  It is illegal.

My message to Childline: Please be very careful who you ask to do your promotions.  [And by the way, you should grammar check you front page!]